Not Drinking, but Stinking Drunk

For two years, a 50-year-old Canadian woman, desperate for help, trekked to emergency rooms because she felt drunk even though she hadn’t touched a drop.

And during all those visits, ER doctors sent her away with a diagnosis of intoxication.

Turns out, they weren’t wrong. She was drunk. But not because she was imbibing.

On her last trip, according to a report in the Canadian Medical Association Journal, she was finally diagnosed with “auto-brewery syndrome.” It’s a rare condition where fungi in the gut literally brew alcohol from carbohydrates.

Turns out, she had been taking antibiotics for years because of urinary tract infections. Doctors surmise the antibiotics wiped out the healthy microbes in her GI tract and in their absence a weird fungus took root turning her gut into a brewery.

They put her on anti-fungal medication, had her switch to a low carb diet, and eventually prescribed a course of probiotics to restore her microbiome.

She’s fine now.

Saved by Junk Jewelry

A Colorado man narrowly escaped death when a necklace he was wearing stopped a bullet, police said.

The .22 caliber bullet was fired during an argument between two people in Commerce City. It smacked into the metal necklace around one of the men’s necks and became lodged in the chain-link jewelry.

What likely would have been a fatal injury resulted in a small puncture wound. His assailant has been charged with attempted homicide.

Police said the necklace looked like silver but was a cheap knockoff of some other metal. Good thing. Silver is soft and might not have stopped the round.

Who do You Trust? Robots over People

Turns out kids have more faith in robots than people, which, of course, shows excellent judgment on their part.

In a study of 111 kids aged 3-6, they were given the chance to choose who to believe when shown presentations from people and robots. Both the humans and the robots showed them objects (think plates, spoons, and such) and both misrepresented some of the objects.

A majority of the kids were more forgiving of the robots. Why? Robots aren’t mean on purpose, but people can be.

Now We Know How the Pyramids Were Built

The question has lingered for centuries: How did the ancient Egyptians transport those huge stones to the construction sites of the pyramids?

Turns out, it could have been by barge using a long-buried branch of the Nile River that once flowed nearby. This would explain why 31 pyramids were built in a long chain — they followed the path of the long-gone river.

Beethoven Had Lead Poisoning, but That’s not What Killed Him

The famous composer lost his hearing and suffered from extreme gastrointestinal ailments, all likely caused by heavy metal poisoning — mainly lead but also mercury and arsenic. The culprit: Beethoven liked his wine and he drank it — prodigiously — from vessels containing lead.

We now know this because of analysis of his hair samples that had been preserved. But, it turns out, the lead in his system might have wrecked his hearing, but it wasn’t enough to kill him.

No, what did him in was hepatitis.

J.C. Bruce is a journalist and author of The Strange Files series of mysterious adventures. He holds dual citizenship in the United States of America and Florida. He was recently awarded a doctorate degree from the Lightgate Institute of Extranormal Studies, a Miami institution he totally made up for his award-winning novel Strange Timing.

Sponsored by TROPIC PRESS, publisher of The Strange Files Series of Mysterious Adventures.

How far can the human eye see? While the majority of us wouldn’t consider our vision to be extraordinary, the human eye can see much farther than most of us realize. On a clear night most of us are able to make out the faint haze of the Andromeda Galaxy some 2.6 million light-years into space. Cool, right?

A huge study of half a million people has suggested that severe viral infections like encephalitis and pneumonia increase the risk of neurodegenerative diseases like Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s. Read more here.

Human hearts have a big job: moving oxygen and nutrients throughout our bodies. But as much credit as the heart gets, it doesn’t work alone — the adult human circulatory system includes arteries, veins, and capillaries in a network that’s more than 60,000 miles long.  Read more here.

Does it make sense to describe asteroids as being equivalent in size to penguins? Um, probably not. But more and more science writers are comparing inanimate space objects to animals. Shouldn’t happen. See essay here.

Can caffeine improve exercise performance? Well, coffee lovers, the good news is yes, according to the International Society of Sports Medicine. See report here.

Six minutes of high-intensity exercise is enough to produce a key protein in the brain, one that’s important in brain formation, function, and memory, and which has been implicated in the progress of neurodegenerative disorders such as Alzheimer’s disease.

The specialized protein in question is called brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF), and it promotes both the growth and survival of neuron cells in the brain, as well as facilitating the development of new links and signaling pathways.

A Tucson woman returned home after a four-day trip and said she was "looking forward to using my own restroom in peace."

Instead, she discovered a snake curled up in her toilet bowl.

"Everybody has the same reaction," she said. "Oh, my god, that's my worst nightmare."

The woman, Michelle Lespron, asked her dad to remove the snake, but the slippery critter was hard to catch. So, she called an outfit named Rattlesnake Solutions, and one of their wrangers snagged it -- one handed, no less.

Couple of additional points to note:

Let's pause for a moment to consider living in an area where there is a need for a company named Rattlesnake Solutions. Just saying.

Also, the actual snake was not a rattler but -- get this -- a black and pink coachwhip snake. How's that for a name!

The sea lamprey, a fish with an eel-like shape and an appetite for blood, is making a comeback in the Great Lakes.

Nicknamed the "vampire fish," the lamprey has a terrifying circular row of teeth which it uses to latch onto its prey.

They aren't supposed to be there. Lamprey are native to the Atlantic Ocean but somehow slithered into the Great Lakes, and now they are multiplying. Besides being terrifying, they are devastating the population of native fishes, including lake trout in the upper Great Lakes.

For years, scientists have labored to keep the lamprey population under control -- with success -- but during the COVID pandemic, those efforts were curtailed and now the vampires are growing in numbers.

Most states have some weird laws on the books, but this one from Kentucky is one of the strangest:

Every elected official in the Bluegrass State must, as part of their oath of office, swear they have never participated in a duel.

That includes U.S. Sen. Rand Paul who, when accused of plagiarizing his speeches, once told ABC News: "If they keep it up, it'd be a duel challenge, but I can't do that because I can't hold office in Kentucky then."

Dueling as a way to settle political differences goes way back. As one historian noted: "Abraham Lincoln once was challenged to a duel and accepted it, but he chose as a weapon cow pies at ten paces."

Perhaps the most famous pistol duel in American history -- certainly political history -- was the death of Alexander Hamilton at the hands of the third vice president of the United States, Aaron Burr. Both men had been involved in duels before, Hamilton more than a dozen.

Historians say Kentucky wanted to put a stop to this, although the ban turned out to be ineffective. But it's still on the books.

Giant African land snails have been spotted on Florida's east coast prompting officials to place a quarantine on Broward County. The snails can grow up to eight inches in length, have pointy edges that can puncture tires and carry a parasite that can give people meningitis. This news arrived during the same week that malaria was reported on the state's west coast. Welcome to Florida.

Mystery writers are always looking for new ways to kill off characters. So, I was fascinated to discover this story.

An unnamed Australian woman was bitten multiple times by a blue-ringed octopus and lived to tell about it. Which, apparently, is a big deal because the toxin released by the tiny cephalopod -- tetrodotoxin -- frequently leads to respiratory arrest and death.

Scientists have no idea why she survived the ordeal.

The blue-ringed octopus is small enough to fit in the palm of your hand (not advised), and gets its name because of the tiny rings on its surface that flash iridescent blue when the critter is frightened.

I've used this fascinating trivia in the sixth book of The Strange Files series, Strange Timing.

Naples author's 'Mister Manners' receives national recognition

The Annual 2022 Florida Authors and Publishers Association President’s Book Awards recognized Mister Manners by J.C. Bruce in the category of Mysteries/ Suspense as a Silver medal winner. Hosted by the Florida Authors and Publishers Association, this prestigious national award is open to books published between 2020 and 2022. The judges for this national competition are librarians, educators, and publishing professionals. “The FAPA President’s Book Award exists to promote excellence in the publishing industry by recognizing talented contemporary authors who put both heart and soul into their work. FAPA is proud to be a champion of authors and publishers going the extra mile to produce books of excellence in every aspect,” said Pat Stanford, a past president of FAPA. Mister Manners is a 373-page novel available as a trade paperback, hardcover, eBook and audiobook published by Tropic Press, an online news service and book publishing company based in Naples. It is the fifth in the series of Strange Files mysteries, which recount the adventures of America’s only fulltime reporter of news of the weird, Alexander Strange. The book previously was honored in the Royal Palm Literary Awards where it also earned the Silver Medal. Another book in the series, Strange Currents, won the Gold Medal.

“We are proud to announce this year’s winners who truly embody the excellence this award was created to celebrate. Their works are representative of creative storytelling, bold concepts, and innovative ideas which make the President’s Book Awards so well respected by librarians and those in the publishing industry. We salute all our winners for their fine work.” said FAPA’s Immediate Past President Renee Garrison. The Florida Authors and Publishers Association is an organization for authors, publishers, illustrators, editors, printers, and other professionals involved in the publishing industry. It focuses on providing the highest quality of information, resources, and professional development to members min and others interested in the writing and publishing profession. Mr. Bruce’s career includes journalist-in-residence at Wright State University in Dayton, Ohio, and, earlier in his newspaper career, he served as an editor, managing editor, or reporter at, among other places, the Naples Daily News, the Dayton Daily News, thee Austin American-Statesman, the Longview News-Journal, the Mesa Tribune, the Miami Herald, the Palm Beach Post, the St. Petersburg Times (now the Tampa Bay Times) and the Tampa Times (now deceased). He even served as the press secretary in Washington, D.C. for a congressman who ended up getting indicted and sent to prison. For more about J.C. Bruce and his books, visit www.jcbruce.com. ¦  

Local author, J.C. Bruce, wins prestigious Florida Literary Award

The Florida Writers Association, the state’s largest and most prestigious literary organization, has announced that Naples journalist and author J.C. Bruce has won both gold and silver medals in the 2021 Royal Palm Literary Awards. “Strange Currents: A Story From the Files of Alexander Strange” won first place in the category honoring the best-published mysteries in Florida. Strange Currents is the fourth of a fivebook series authored by J.C. Bruce and published by Tropic Press. Mr. Bruce’s draft of “Mister Manners,” which at contest deadline had yet to be printed, won the silver medal for best unpublished manuscript, also in the mystery category. Mister Manners has now been published and is available as an ebook, paperback, hardback and audiobook. The awards were announced at the Florida Writers Association’s recent remote awards ceremony. The annual competition, in its 20th year, received 577 submissions. “Even in these difficult times, writers are writing — and marvelously,” said Chris Coward, Royal Palm Literary Awards chairperson. In all, the competition covered 27 adult genres and 5 Youth genres, with published and unpublished entries considered separately. J.C. Bruce is a journalist-turned-author living in Naples. During his newspaper career he served as a reporter, editor, and columnist at a variety of publications including the Miami Herald, The Palm Beach Post, the St. Petersburg Times (now the Tampa Bay Times), the Dayton Daily News, the Austin American Statesman, and the Naples Daily News. The five books in The Strange Files series, in addition to Strange Currents and Mister Manners include The Strange Files, Get Strange, and Florida Man: A Story from the Files of Alexander Strange. Alexander Strange, the protagonist in this series, is the world’s only full-time reporter of news of the weird living aboard his converted fishing trawler in Goodland, Florida. The Florida Writers Association, 1,600 members strong and growing, is a nonprofit 501(c)(6) organization that supports the state’s established and emerging writers. Membership is open to the public. The Royal Palm Literary Awards competition is a service of the Florida Writers Association established to recognize excellence in its members’ published and unpublished works while providing objective and constructive written assessments for all entrants. For additional information, visit the FWA website at floridawriters.org, where you’ll also find more about the RPLA and the complete list of 2021 winners. J.C. Bruce may be contacted at jcb@jcbruce.com. ¦

Second Acts

Artists are loners of sorts, simply by the nature of the work: Fine photography or great writing, for example, are not team sports. So now Jeff Bruce works alone in the relative silence of his study after a career spent mostly in the cacophony of once-upon-a-time newsrooms. There, the crescendo of clattering, clicking, conversing, exchanging and shouting, seasoned with epithets, raucous laughter or sometimes dead silence broken by escaped tears or a muffled sob reached marching band levels of noise on any given afternoon before press time. Reporters can see a lot of bad news up close and personal, and he has. In his study, working on the sixth in a series of popular and award-winning novels, he’s now completed his third in a series of retirements. Mr. Bruce retired twice from the newspaper business and once from a three-year stint as a journalism teacher at a university, leading him to this conclusion about the standard American event: “I’m a miserable failure when it comes to retirement.” His careers, begun at age 19 as a reporter, include teaching journalism at Wright State University in Dayton, Ohio, after his first stint in newspapers, then returning to news and adding to his impressive list of employers in that business, before stepping out forever. Unless he returns someday. Ultimately, he had worked “as an editor, managing editor, or reporter at, among other places, the Naples Daily News, the Dayton Daily News, the Austin American-Statesman, the Longview News-Journal, the Mesa Tribune, the Miami Herald, The Palm Beach Post, the St. Petersburg Times (now the Tampa Bay Times) and The Tampa Times (now deceased),” says his friend, Eric Strachan. Mr. Strachan was senior managing editor at the Naples Daily News when Mr. Bruce was a managing editor, and now serves as editor of the Naples Florida Weekly. In retirement, 1,000 words a day is Mr. Bruce’s self-imposed deadline requirement while writing the first draft of one of his 90,000-word novels in the “Strange Files” books, a series that has proven both popular and award winning, in part because they give his readers a place of refuge and learning. He knows a lot, according to his friends. Ernest Hemingway claimed he did 500 words a day and never missed a sunrise in his writing years — which, given his level of drinking, may or may not have been true. Jeff Bruce’s level of fitness and work discipline, on the other hand, leads no one to doubt his ability to put out. Every morning he and his wife, Sandy, go for a long walk; they also belong to a gym where they work out regularly. “If I don’t do that, I can’t sit down for four or five hours and write,” he acknowledges. He feels fortunate to be able to work that hard in retirement. “I’ve told people this for years: For most, retirement is a death sentence. If you don’t have something you’re engaged in, what’s the point? “But to say something like that means you’re privileged. If you were pounding nails into a roof all your life, you’d be worn out.” For the work of books to be solid, or journalism, you have to have great editors. Mr. Bruce has three, he says: his wife, Sandy, “who knows where and when to kill my darlings” in the fiction, and their children, Logan and Kacey. Logan is copy editor on all his books, and artist and designer Kacey helps the finished products shine for readers. In the 70 to 90 age range of American living, Mr. Bruce concludes, “you have fewer days ahead of you than behind, so what are you going to leave that’s valuable for others?” He offers this sage three-retirements-going-on-four advice: “Re-engage and be good citizens. The most important job is the job of being a citizen. “If you’ve lived as long as we have, especially if we’re honest with ourselves, we’ve made tons of mistakes. The benefit of them is you can learn from them and share what you know with others. Retirement doesn’t mean you have to disengage from the community.” Instead, he says, “It’s a chance.”

An item in the news today underscores why this is vitally important advice for all moms and dads. Before we get to that news event, here are the two reasons why you need to set a firm foot down with your kids: If you tell your children not to read comics, that they are bad for them, that superheroes aren’t real, that they are a waste of money and time, that your offspring need to spend their time more productively, like maybe reading the Bible or doing their homework, you can be virtually guaranteed that they will, drumroll please: Defy you. And this bit of reverse psychology is exactly what you are aiming for. First of all, they will be learning to read. Secondly, as they accumulate and secretly hoard their comic book collection, they will unknowingly be building their retirement savings. Proof? Here’s that news item, this from the Associated Press:

DALLAS — A single page of artwork from a 1984 Spider-Man comic book sold at auction Thursday for a record $3.36 million.

At that same four-day comics auction, Superman’s debut in Action Comics, one of the few copies known to still exist, sold for $3.18 million. I used to think my parents were such a pain, the way they harrangued me about my comic book obsession (my faves were Green Lantern, Batman, and the Flash). But maybe that was all part of a devious plot on their part to encourage me to read. Which explains the six-foot tall stack of comics in my closet. And it also explains how Mike Yokum and I basically skipped a chunk of seventh grade hiding out in the gym equipment locker reading comics while pretending we were organizing a science fair (it was a disaster—mostly because, well, we were reading comics and not actually doing any science). Do I have a million-dollar issue buried somewhere in that collection? It would have to be a special issue, so it might be unlikely. But there’s no question that comics helped stimulate my interest in reading—and, ultimately, a career in writing. Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad. Thanks Hal, Bruce, and Barry.

A new study shows that cats like it when their humans smile at them, but you have to do it the right way, and that means not baring your teeth, but, rather, squinting your eyes with a pleasurable expression on your face.

Fido Did It

A driver in Colorado tried to avoid a DUI arrest by swapping seats with his dog after being pulled over.The man was stopped for allegedly driving 52 mph in a 30-mph zone.

“The driver attempted to switch places with his dog who was in the passenger seat, as the SPD (Springfield Police Department) officer approached and watched the entire process,” the police posted on Facebook. “The male party then exited the passenger side of the vehicle and claimed he was not driving.”

A Better Mouse Trap?

Scientists have blasted the brains of mice and rats with ultrasound to knock them into a hibernation-like state, and researchers say the technique could one day be used on injured humans in critical care or on astronauts taking long-haul spaceflights.Or perhaps a better mousetrap?

Wyoming: Bring 'Em Young

Wyoming Republicans were on a rampage over a bill they claimed would interfere with parental rights and religious liberty. The proposal would raise the state's legal marriage age to 16. Republicans, opposing the age increase, called it an "arbitrary" limit on child marriage.

When You Gotta Go...

We've all been there: Rushing to the airport to catch a flight. But a Carbondale, Illinois, man added a new twist. He stole a backhoe and drove it ten miles to catch his plane at Veterans Airport of Southern Illinois.

Surfing Penguins?

A study published in the journal Nature Communication finds that global warming is increasing the chances of gigantic underwater mudslides in Antarctica, and that enormous tsunamis could result. No word on whether the penguins will take up surfing.

By Harriet Howard Heithaus

NAPLES DAILY NEWS

Alex Strange generally is nobody's darling among his fictional milieu. He has the wit of a paint thinner martini and the curiosity of a cat missing part of its tail from the last investigation it undertook: He doesn't really want to do this again, but he can't help himself. Worst of all, Alex is the Jim Cantore of the crime world: When he shows up, disaster is imminent. Yet Naples author J.C. Bruce loves him. That may be because the droll danger magnet is his creation. And for Bruce, when his hero is around, good things happen, such as winning the 2022 Royal Palm Literary Awards from the Florida Writers Association. His "Get Strange" is the fourth in a series of five books of The Strange Files series, all starring his favorite character. Bruce also may love the tropics-trotting Alex Strange because he has taken on a life of his own. "I'm a big fan of the Lee Child ("Killing Floor," "Gone Tomorrow") theory of how to write a mystery. Let your characters tell the story," he said. "And that happens. I never know what they're going to do next. It's more fun writing them as opposed to reading them." One thing his characters often do is spend their leisure moments on the waterfront of Goodland, where Alex's home, the Miss Demeanor, is permanently docked. "Get Strange" is liberally salted with local landmarks, offering any gift recipient who gets this book an incentive to explore the nether reaches of Collier County. Bruce is a former editor for the Naples Daily News, and his newspaper career has likely been a good incubator for the acid-toned repartee between law enforcement and Alex, a columnist for the spunky little Tropic Press. Alex's penchant for bizarre mysteries could have been absorbed by his author while working at the Dayton, Ohio, Daily News, where an employee killed his wife and cemented her body into a column in the building. Employees worked around the victim, unaware of her presence until detectives sleuthed it out. Bruce intersperses an occasional column from Alex with chapters of his book, head-shaker tales of Florida, which may or may not be true. But those of us who live here are inclined to think: Sure, that could happen. Those have doubtlessly strengthened reader affection for Alex Strange and his mute housemates: Fred, a bequeathed mop of a dog; Mona, department store mannequin in pirate garb and a life-size cutout of Mr. Spock, the Vulcan from "Star Trek." It's kept Bruce busy, but also kept a few new lead characters in his head from making an appearance. "I don't want to say I get deluged, but I get a lot of feedback saying, 'When's the next book coming out? I want to read more about Alex,'" he said. "So every time I sit down and think about writing something different, it's like 'Wait a minute. I've got an audience here who wants the next Alexander Strange book.' I'm going to have to make some time for the other ideas," he conceded. In the meantime, yes, another story for The Strange Files is in the works. "Get Strange" (358 pages; Tropic Press LLC, 2021) and "Mr. Manners" (384 pages; Tropic Press LLC; 2021) are available online at their author's website, jcbruce.com. Those who sign up for his newsletter before Black Friday will receive an email message offering them a free e-edition of "Mr. Manners."

It looks kind of cute, harmless, fuzzy. If you encounter it, you may be tempted to pick it up, maybe even pet it.

Don’t.

Even though it may appear similar to a lucky rabbit’s foot, the puss caterpillar is one of the most poisonous insects in America, and you will instantly regret handling it.

Just ask Bri Oteri of Dade City, Florida. Here’s what she said in her Facebook post about her encounter:

“Saturday I came in contact with the most venomous caterpillar in the US., the puss caterpillar. Who would’ve thought. I was leaning on this wooden fence and immediately felt my wrist burning. I started screaming for my brother to get it off me. He had no clue what was happening.

“It felt like fire ants in that moment. I looked down and saw this fuzzy thing moving across the wood…

“I was watching my son practice and all of a sudden I couldn’t breathe. I thought I was going to pass out, and then came the pain. In my chest,  in my entire right arm, radiating from my wrist all throughout my arm and shoulder.

“I looked at my husband and said we need to go to the ER right now. I was scared. The pain was so excruciating I was hysterically crying in the hospital pleading for the doctors and nurses to help me. Morphine didn’t even touch the pain. I cried and pleaded with God for hours to make it stop. I’ve had 2 c-sections, other surgeries, and nothing came close to the pain. It felt like someone was drilling into my bones.”

The cause of Bri’s agony are sharp spines hidden beneath the innocent-looking fur filled with poison.

So don’t touch them. And beware in the spring and fall when they tend to make their annual visit to Florida.

If you do come into contact with the caterpillar, apply ice packs and cover it with a paste of baking soda and water.

It may not make you feel better, but it will keep you busy until the bone-crunching pain subsides

Eventually.

STRANGE FACT: The most poisonous insect in the world is the sea wasp, found off the coast of Australia, whose venom is so powerful it can kill a human in less than three minutes.

A new paper suggests the famous British pile of stones wasn't a prehistoric calendar after all, just a memorial to the dead.

The study, published in the journal Antiquity disputes claims made earlier that the stones are arranged to function as a 356-day calendar. As we all know, it takes Earth 365 days to orbit the Sun, so this new study says, nope, can't be a calendar. Wouldn't work.

This is a test.

There are two images accompanying this article. One is a photograph of an iguana, a kind of lizard. The other is not. Can you tell the difference?

If so, your powers of observation are keener than some. Specifically, better than a woman in Poland who called the authorities when she saw an unusual object in a lilac tree outside her home.

The object had been there for a few days, and the longer she looked at it, the more she became convinced it might be an iguana.

Why someone would sound the alarm when they spied a lizard in a tree is another question entirely, although they are considered invasive species in some locales. Not sure about Krakow.

Anyway, when wildlife officers arrived, ready to do battle with this mystery animal clinging to the limbs of the woman’s tree, they found something they concluded definitely was not a lizard.

It was a croissant.

Now, here at Tropic Press we do not hold people up to ridicule. Unless it’s funny. But, really, do you see any similarity? One is a bakery product. The other a reptile.

In all fairness, both are edible. Some people call iguanas the “chicken of the trees.” Sources tell me that iguanas taste remarkably like poultry, then again chicken itself is almost flavorless, which is why everything tastes like chicken.

But, we cannot imagine it tasting anything like a croissant or a Danish, or a donut, or other breakfast treat. After all, it’s scaly, not crusty. But who knows? Maybe roll that critter in dough and deep fry it? Let us know if you give it a try.

But, for sure, they don’t look anything alike. Can  we all agree on that?

The Krakow Animal Welfare Society reported that officers were able to capture the tree-borne creature “bread-handed.” They speculate that someone threw the croissant out a window in a half-baked effort to feed the birds. And they assured the woman she did the right thing by calling.

We can only imagine the phone conversation if this had happened in the States, say here in Florida where I live:

911 Operator: 911. What's the emergency?

Concerned Citizen: I'm looking out my window and I think I see a lizard.

911 Operator: I'd be surprised if you didn't. What's the issue?

Concerned Citizen: Well, it's been there for three days.

911 Operator: Probably dead. Let us know if it really tastes like chicken.

STRANGER THAN FICTION: You shouldn’t feed bread—or croissants—to birds, according to the never-wrong internet. Bread has low nutritional value and moldy bread can kill our avian friends.

We now have additional evidence that the Loch Ness Monster may be real.

Not eyewitness evidence, mind you, in the sense that somebody actually saw Nessie. Let’s instead call it circumstantial evidence, maybe not admissible in court, certainly not beyond a reasonable doubt, but absolutely justifying further inquiry.

We take you now to a nature reserve north of London, an arrow-shot from Nottingham in nearby Rutland County.

While doing routine maintenance at the reservoir there, the skeleton of an enormous “sea dragon” was recently unearthed.

The beast’s remains are remarkably preserved and measure 32 feet in length. This swimming reptile’s six-foot head, alone, weighs in at one ton. Its total length is about three times larger than the average North American male alligator, which you definitely do not want to encounter on a dark night in the Everglades. Daylight, either, for that matter.

Scientifically, it is known as an ichthyosaur, although everyone calls them sea dragons. They were formidable predators who lived 160 million years ago before an earlier version of the Don’t Look Up asteroid hit, rendering T-Rexes, Velociraptors, and the rest of the Jurassic Park party animals extinct.Dean Lomax, the scientist in charge of the excavation, said, “During this time period, it would have been right at the top of the food chain. It’s an ultimate apex predator, perhaps one of the biggest animals in the sea worldwide.”

Of the find, he added: “It’s the most complete and larger than any dinosaur skeleton ever found here, so it’s a mega-find for so many reasons.”

One of those reasons, as far as I am concerned, is that this further substantiates the possibility of the Loch Ness Monster.

The 22-mile long lake known as Loch Ness is not in Merry Olde England, but further north in Scotland, way up in the Highlands, about 140 miles north of where the heroic forces of King Robert the Bruce defeated England’s King Edward II in the year 1314, thus setting the stage for Scotland’s liberation.

And while that history is not in dispute, there are those who still doubt the existence of a terrifying water monster in the loch, but is the idea really so outrageous?

Who’s to say that a sea dragon might not have escaped the worst of the asteroid strike and continue making little sea dragons who, quite understandably, don’t want to poke their heads above water. I mean, last time one of their kind looked up, the earth was on fire.

This notion certainly is not as offensive as other theories circulating in our “choose your own reality” culture.

After all, if people believe Hillary Clinton is running a child sex ring in the basement of a basement-less pizza parlor, or if voters elect a loon who thinks Jewish financiers are setting forest fires with space lasers, or an American president can suggest shoving ultraviolet tubes up our nether regions to cure COVID, is believing in dragons really that much further around the bend?

Honestly, I’d rather have a world with dragons than all those people. Wouldn’t you?

But that delight was dampened when after a little online sleuthing I realized they are Brazilian pepper trees, and, while attractive, they’re also toxic. A brush against the plant’s leaves can result in a rash similar to poison ivy and the berries are poisonous.

I live in Florida. These plants don’t belong here. Their home is South America but they somehow migrated past that wall Mexico was supposed to pay for and have taken root all over the Sunshine State infesting more than 700,000 acres. They are considered among the Florida’s most problematic invasive plant species.

Which got me thinking about other invasive species (apart from tourists), the most talked about of late being the massive Burmese python infestation of the Florida Everglades where the snakes appear to have decimated the small mammal population in the River of Grass.

And while contemplating that, I had an epiphany: There’s a funny word that rhymes with species. Which led me to wonder:

Do snakes poop?

Because if snakes defecate, then the Everglades must be awash in python poop by now. So wouldn’t that make python do-do—wait for it—invasive feces?

(I can’t hear you groaning so you might as well stop it.)

Well, snakes do poop. And so do worms.

I discovered this by Googling “invasive feces”—just to see if it’s a thing—and up popped an article about scientists who study earthworm excrement.

Yes, there are highly trained scientists, working diligently at taxpayer funded institutions of higher learning, studying the bowel movements of worms.

And as it turns out, not only are we plagued by invasive snakes, there are invasive worms, too, specifically a breed known as—and I would not lie about a matter as serious as this—jumping earthworms.

According to the authoritative website ScienceNews, they are also known as crazy worms, Alabama jumpers, and snake worms. Originally from eastern Asia, the worms have been spreading across America’s heartland and their poop is actually changing the composition of the soil—a matter of no small import to farmers—and they are voracious fallen-leaf eaters whose appetites are adversely impacting forests.

So while the expression “invasive feces” might make for a funny (if juvenile) pun, jumping worms are no laughing matter to mature adult scientists.

But, really, can you imagine? And do they really jump?

Well, yes they do, in a manner of speaking. When you pester them, they coil up like a rattlesnake and lunge, which, technically, is not the same thing as jumping—you need legs and Air Jordans to properly jump, after all, but let’s not get hung up on technicalities.

Jumping worms leave behind little balls of feces, which is normal for worms, I learned. Indeed, one of the scientists quoted in the ScienceNews article confessed that “a lot of soil I look at is worm poop.”

Something to consider the next time you’re tempted to cavort outdoors in your bare feet.

The problem with jumping worms is that their poop tends to concentrate all manner of undesirable elements, such as heavy metals, and as these worms spread (they are called invasive for a reason) they are changing the chemistry of the soil in which we grow our food.

So, yeah, maybe it’s not such an outlandish idea that we study these little wrigglies.

The big problem with all invasives is that they tend to crowd out native inhabitants, both plants and animals, altering our ecology, usually not for the better.

All too often, we have only ourselves to blame. Another invasive species—poisonous cane toads—were  imported to Florida by sugar farmers to eat bugs. Now they’ve spread throughout the state and the secretions on their warty hides are toxic, the victims of that poison often curious household pets who end up at the vet—and many do not survive.

Brazilian peppertrees, too, were smuggled here as decorative shrubs because they are so pretty. Then things got out of hand, as they often do when you mess with Mother Nature.

And like most invasives, they are hard to kill.

Florida now hosts annual python hunts in an effort to trim the snake population, a foredoomed exercise akin to equipping hunters with flyswatters to eradicate mosquitos.

That’s the problem with invasions: There are limited defenses and victory is often not defined by defeating them but by trying to limit their damage.

My neighborhood homeowners association recently paid professional frog hunters (yes, it’s a thing) to prowl our streets in an effort to cut back on the cane toads, which breed in our (manmade) ponds and can be found squished on our streets, fresh kills appearing nightly.

The frog hunters claimed to have killed hundreds. But in short order the toads were back, croaking and threatening neighborhood pets.

One of my neighbors, a non-native species, herself, from New Jersey, has turned this threat into a nightly pastime. She and a handful of other neighborhood women venture out after dark with gloves and plastic bags and capture cane toads, then religiously follow the recommended euthanasia procedure:

• Carefully pick up toad, taking precautions not to allow the toxic goo they secret to get on your skin.

• Place them in sealable plastic bags.

• Walk them back to your kitchen and stuff them in the freezer.

Yep. That’s how we do it here in Florida. If you’re a cane toad unlucky enough to get captured by one of the neighborhood bounty hunters, your last memories will be of a freezer light going off and a sudden chill falling over your amphibious hide, goose bumps suddenly joining all those warts.

This is supposed to be humane.

Personally, I think we’re missing an opportunity here. Why not host a massive frog roundup, let them loose in the Glades, and see what happens when the pythons chow down on them?

What could go wrong?

The kid was playing the robot during a chess tournament and apparently reached for a piece out of turn. The robotic arm grabbed his finger and crushed it.

In case it's been a while since you read Asimov's I Robot, the First Law of Robotics states: "A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm."

Not sure if Asimov specified what sort of penalty a robot would face for violation of the law. And could it get a fair trial? What would constitute a jury of its peers? Perhaps this calls for the creation of a new organization to represent the rights of robots. I propose PETA -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Androids.

A Polish scientific institute has added house cats to a list of "invasive alien species."

Not that they are otherwordly, but because cats damage biodiversity by hunting and killing birds and mammals.

Biologists at the Polish Academy of Sciences, which maintains the list, were stunned by the reaction of cat lovers, who are furious.

Maybe a certain group of Polish biologists needs to be added to another list: Endangered Species.