Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. If we get enough paid subscribers, we may actually start reimbursing her for her efforts.

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DEAR MISS MINGO:

I read somewhere, maybe on Tropic Press, that you were under the weather last week, and that you were having panic attacks or something about Cuba bombing Key West. You OK?

Worried in Winter Garden

Dear Worried:

It’s true. I had to get my blood pressure medication adjusted, and was out for a few days. Back in action. Although my doctor tells me that Cuba Libres and my meds may not mix too well, so I’m debating whether those meds are really worth it.

And, yes, a contributing factor to my rising anxiety is all of Donald Trump’s rhetoric about Cuba. I’m not worried about the Cubans flying drones to bomb Key West just out of a clear blue Caribbean sky. That’s ridiculous. They may be Communists, but they’re not stupid—unlike some other governmental leaders I could name.

But if Trump gets desperate for a new distraction to keep us from thinking about the Epstein Files, or his ballroom, or that outrageous $1.8 billion slush fund he and his stooge, Todd Blanche, cooked up, well, yeah, who knows what might happen?

It definitely got my feathers ruffled.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I heard a rumor that a short governor in Florida has requested a law requiring all men’s restroom urinals be the little boy height. I’m guessing it’s so he doesn’t have to wear high heels in public all the time?

Fast Charlie

Dear Fast:

Isn’t it just terrible how people engage in height shaming? We should make it a hate crime, but, of course, that would never happen in Florida, not even for DeSantis, because, you know, it would amount to cancel culture, the same excuse the Legislature uses for not repealing our state holidays for Robert E. Lee, Jefferson Davis, and the Confederacy.

Now, I don’t know how tall DeSantis is or isn’t, although I am aware that some so-called boot experts say he must be wearing lifts. Here’s my question: Since, being a lady, I’ve never actually used a men’s urinal, I would imagine there could be balance issues wearing high heels?

Try it sometime and let me know.

DEAR MISS MINGO

Great article in Tropic Press on hurricane season. Little Marco made the list (of hurricane names) this year! I do have a question. The Gulf Stream is getting weaker and is forecast to collapse in the near future. Do you think that may influence the storms we may get in the future? Thanks.

Janet

Dear Janet:

That’s actually a serious question, and I appreciate it. In fact, it should be a major news story.

Here’s what I found during a quick search on the never-wrong internet:

Yes, a collapsing Gulf Stream would significantly impact Atlantic hurricanes by creating a “clot” of stagnant, intensely warm water in the tropical Atlantic and Gulf of Mexico, fueling more powerful and rapidly intensifying storms.

Because the Gulf Stream is a core component of the Atlantic Meridional Overturning Circulation (AMOC), its collapse would stop the normal northward transport of tropical heat toward Europe.

Which strikes me as a strong argument for Florida’s political leaders to take climate change more seriously than they have. If any state in the nation has a vested interest in reversing global warming, it would be ours.

What is wrong with these people with their heads in the sand?

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Is that why your blood pressure spikes? The way you get so worked up about little things like climate change?

Doctor in Deland

Dear Doctor:

You’re asking me? You’re the doctor. Actually, it runs in the family. Everyone one of us Mingos seems to suffer from it.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

What are you talking about? It says right here in your column that your last name is Obregon, not Mingo. Are you trying to trick us into thinking you’re a real flamingo?

Skeptical in Sarasota

Dear Skeptical:

I love how you assume I’m real at all. Charming. Wouldn’t you be surprised if I told you that I’m just an imaginary friend of a powerful AI intent on world domination?

Just kidding. (Or am I?)

That should probably be my last Cuba Libre of the night.

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

ASK MISS MINGO

Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

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“Thank you, thank you, thank you Miss Mingo! You are Florida's Andy Borowitz!”

— Barbara Brownell

Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. If we get enough paid subscribers, we may actually start reimbursing her for her efforts.

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DEAR MISS MINGO:

I’m curious about this slush fund that Donald Trump has created. If I read news reports correctly, Trump was mad that his tax returns were leaked by the IRS while he, himself, as president was in charge of the IRS. So, now in his second term, he’s suing the agency he ran for its misconduct, and he appointed the acting attorney general, Todd Blanche, who would defend the government against his lawsuit, a guy who used to be Trump’s lawyer, who then folded like a soggy tortilla and said, in essence: “Whatever you say, boss, here’s $1.8 billion and a promise never to audit your taxes again.” This seems a little fishy to me.

Legally Curious in Lakeland

Dear Legally:

Nothing to see here. It’s all on the up-and-up. And with this as precedent, we can now all file lawsuits against ourselves and settle those lawsuits with ourselves, and award ourselves any amount of money we want.

The only difference is that we would have to raid our own bank accounts because, unlike the Orange Trouser Stain, we don’t have the keys to the U.S. Treasury.

If this is allowed to stand, we can expect more of the same. For instance:

Trump could issue tariffs, driving up the cost of everything in the United States, then sue the Treasury Department for enacting illegal tariffs and causing the cost of his imported golf balls to rise.

Trump could deport all of Florida’s undocumented immigrants, then sue ICE because there’s nobody left to cut the grass at Mar-a-Lago.

Trump could launch a war in Iran, which might cause his popularity to sink faster than the Titanic, then sue the Department of War for following illegal orders that hurt his chances of running for an illegal third term so he could continue to grift the American taxpayers.

And so forth.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

First, I love your column. I look forward to it.

Question:

I read about all the redistricting the Republicans are doing, even in our own Free State of Florida. Do you think it’s fair to non-Republicans? Why are Republicans afraid of losing?

Thank you, Miss Mingo. Carry on with your awesome column. And yes, this is an audition in case you want to take a week-long vacation! Just joking!

Scared in Florida (will not disclose my location)

Dear Scared:

There’s nothing wrong with being scared. The fight-or-flight instinct is built into our DNA.

Why are Republicans afraid of losing? For the same reason Democrats fear losing. The question is: What’s the price of winning and is it worth it?

The G.O.P. is no longer the political party of Reagan or Goldwater or even the Bushes. It has become a cult of personality, with only one guiding principle: If you want to keep your phony-baloney elected position you do what the mob boss says. His word—not the Constitution—is law.

So, yeah, we have a lot of Republican officeholders who have sold their souls.

But…

And I know some of you will laugh at me for being naive, but I believe (I have to believe) there are still reasonable people out there, even in the Republican Party, who can see with their own eyes that the emperor has no clothes.

You won’t see me berating Republicans simply because they have been deceived. But I have no love in my heart for members of Congress who have the actual power to stop this madness but, instead, put their own political futures over what’s best for the country.

Liz Cheney and I could not be further apart in our political leanings, but I admire her courage and agreed with her when she said:

“I say this to my Republican colleagues who are defending the indefensible: There will come a day when Donald Trump is gone, but your dishonor will remain.”

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Is my memory failing me, or was last week’s column the first time that you published your priceless works of award-winning American journalism in which there was no representation of yourself in the image that always accompanies your articles?

Artistic in Alachua

Dear Artistic:

Due to a mix-up on the Tropic Press copydesk (editors, despite what we writers may think, are only human) the wrong graphic was used.

This is what you had emailed to you. It’s pretty funny, but it lacks a certain something—namely, me!

This is what the website shows, now that it has been updated with the more recent illustration:

Maybe it’s just me, but I think it is sooooo much better with me in it. Well, obviously, it’s not just me. You noticed, too. Good catch.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I know you prefer to have Florida stuff, but here’s a certified short video you can appreciate. The subject is guardianship for the United States by our friends just north of us.

https://youtube.com/shorts/RaE7X7LBos8?si=bLJNNaL32eHK279y

Ray Sullivan

Dear Ray:

Thanks for the contribution. I’m having a Molson’s in honor of this splendid suggestion.

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

ASK MISS MINGO

Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

Leave a comment

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Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. If we get enough paid subscribers, we may actually start reimbursing her for her efforts.

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DEAR MISS MINGO:

Gov. Ron D. Santis says Alligator Alcatraz was a great savings for taxpayers, even though it seems to have been a total boondoggle with the Trump regime saying it costs too much and is ineffective, which is why it is being shut down after less than a year of operation.

Who’s telling the truth?

Concerned in Cedar Key

Dear Concerned:

Ferreting out the truth is challenging given how secretive the DeSantis government has been throughout this shameful experience.

And I would caution you, dear readers, that the three things you should never ask me to do are add and subtract.

That said, here are the numbers I am looking at:

It cost about $600 million to construct the Everglades concentration camp, and news reports repeatedly say it operates on a more than a million-dollar-a-day budget. If it is shut down by the end of this month, it will have only been operational for 11 months.

Add all that up, and you have a sunk cost of about $1 billion. Yes, that’s billion with a B. And that does not include the cost of dismantling it, assuming DeSantis does not leave this mess to continue polluting the environment.

During its brief and disgraceful run, the best estimate I can find is that about 20,000 prisoners were run through the facility.

Which comes to about $50,000 a prisoner.

Compare that to the federal government’s daily reimbursement rate of about $88 per inmate.

Even if you cut the cost in half and factor in what expenses would have been if these detainees had been held elsewhere, it sure looks like there is no way on God’s green Earth that this can be justified as a taxpayer savings.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

You may have heard that Trump signed an executive order to remove all bison from federal lands. With all his other interests, I have no idea why he interrupted his golf games for that. Also, where will they be placed?

I’ve not been able to confirm the rumor that he plans to rename the San Andreas fault the Joe Biden fault. Could you please confirm or deny that rumor?

Curious in Sarasota

Dear Curious:

I wish I had read your letter before answering the previous question, and I am loath to go back and redo my work as I am not paid by the hour (in fact, I can’t recall ever getting paid by this outfit at all).

So, assuming your question was in jest, I was just going to be snarky and suggest the buffalo be relocated to Alligator Alcatraz and that the detention center could be renamed the Bison Brig.

But then I peeked on the internet and — HOLY BOVINE! — you weren’t kidding. The Bureau of Land Management is actually relocating 900 to 950 bison from federal lands in Montana.

Why?

To make room for cattle ranchers and their herds.

Mind blown!

Just when we think there is nothing more outrageously stupid the Trump cabal could do to shoot themselves in the foot, they pull this stunt? Like they need more votes from Montana, a state with less than a third of one percent of the nation’s population?

So, you appease a couple of cattle barons and enrage the rest of the country, which, you know, thinks buffalo are cool?

Well, at the rate Trump chokes down cheeseburgers, maybe he figures he’s got to keep the cattle numbers up. But I gotta say this is so mind-numbingly idiotic it’s enough to drive a bird to drink.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

You didn’t actually answer the second part of my question.

Curious in Sarasota (again)

Dear Curious:

Oh, good catch. Is Trump renaming the San Andreas Fault the Joe Biden Fault?

Yes.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

In an internet video of the shooting at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner that even you might have overlooked, a Secret Service agent is heard to call out, “Donald, duck.” Disney Enterprises, Inc. claims that the posting of this video violates its copyright that protects the creative expression, “Donald Duck.” Disney has filed suit against the Trump administration asking that all videos using this expression be either muted or removed from the internet and seeking punitive damages. The Department of Justice has not responded to a request for reaction to this suit. However, a spokesperson who is not authorized to comment said that in the verbal use of this expression, an implied comma and lower case “d” in “duck” mean that the phrase is different from the Disney phrase. The spokesperson asserts that the suit has no merit but is it just the filing of a quack lawyer. Miss Mingo, what say you?

William

Dear William:

Sounds like a Mickey Mouse lawsuit to me.

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

ASK MISS MINGO

Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

Leave a comment

And now, some shameless advertising…

The official Tropic Press Store is now open and ready for business. You can order your very own Miss Mingo merch online. All sales are final. Check out the store here:

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Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.

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DEAR MISS MINGO:

I am distressed.

I have spent a lot of time and trouble assembling my grocery shopping ensemble so I would fit in with all the open-carry customers at Publix. Now the grocery chain has changed its mind and has posted notices that it would “kindly” prefer customers not show up dressed for gunfights.

All this, after I special-ordered Publix-green Jimmy Choos with matching holster and ammo belt.

Now what am I supposed to do?

Six-Gun from Sarasota

Dear Six-Gun:

I feel your pain. Well, actually, I don’t, but I’m working on how to fake empathy.

Anyway, it’s not a total loss. Just save all your gear for the next St. Patrick’s Day. You’ll fit right in.

One word of caution, though: If you get the hankering for green beer, you’ll have to hang up your pistols before entering a bar in Florida, one of the few places where firearms are outlawed. (Also, courthouses, although judges are more than happy for you to open carry elsewhere, so long as it isn’t near where they work.)

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Seems to me that we must adopt a new term for the recent redistricting action in our state. Gerrymandering doesn’t rise to the level of shameful political vote-stealing the governor engineered. Ronmandering or RonMarauding should be used as the new benchmark for un-American theft of scared voting rights.

William E. “Bill” Thompson

Dear Bill:

Oooooooh. I like that.

And I take your broader point. After all, to the victors belong the spoils in politics, so we expect a certain amount of shenanigans on the part of the party in power when it comes to creating legislative and congressional districts.

But really? This map?

Are you kidding this bird? My assumption is that the only reason there are even four tiny blue dots on this monstrosity is because it was impossible for Ron DeSantis to completely wipe the Democrats off the map—literally.

If he could have, he would have.

Which is why Florida voters, way back in 2010, by a margin of 63 percent, approved the Fair Districts amendments to the state Constitution. The intent of voters was obvious—to prevent just this kind of chicanery.

And just to be clear, while I, myself, do not belong to any political party—I am an impartial journalist, after all—if Democrats tried to pull a malodorous stunt like this, I’d be just as mad at them as I am at the Republicans.

How dare any party spit in the eyes of the voters like this! We are supposed to be a democracy, not a dictatorship. Ronnie may prance around in his elevator boots, but this is the act of a small, cynical man.

Can you tell my feathers are ruffled?

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Since we’re talking about gerrymandering—and since you claim to be fair-minded—isn’t it true that the Democratic Party had a chance to fix the root cause of this in 2024, but actually chose to side with Republicans to keep the political status quo that allows this criminal defiance of the voters’ will to continue?

Perturbed in Pinellas Park

Dear Perturbed:

Fair point.

One of the reasons that Republican legislators felt comfortable approving DeSantis’ atrocious map is because they knew there would be no political fallout that would damage them.

Why?

Because the state’s legislative districts are already so gerrymandered that very few of the 160 House and Senate members ever face any serious opposition from the opposing party.

There was a ballot initiative in 2024 that could have taken steps to fix that. It was called All Voters Vote, and it would have forced both the Republicans and Democrats to open their primary elections to everyone. Current rules mean that people who are not registered to one of the major parties are voiceless in primary elections.

And we’re talking about millions and millions of voters. To be more precise, there are 3.3 million Florida voters with no party affiliation whatsoever and another half million belonging to one of about a dozen minor parties.

All Voters Vote would have opened up primary elections to everyone, which would force Democrats and Republicans to stop catering to just the extremes of their own parties.

But it fell short.

In Florida, for ballot initiatives like this to be enacted, 60 percent of the voters must approve them. It only got 57 percent—a clear majority, to be sure, but just short.

And here’s the kicker—and to your point:

Among those opposing passage of that amendment was the actual Florida Democratic Party, which had everything to gain from it. It’s hard to see how they had anything to lose given what’s just transpired.

So, yeah, when we see where all this leads—to a nearly all-red Ronmandering map—Democrats have a lot to answer for. They had a chance to do SOMETHING, but they did nothing.

Then, again, they’re famous for forming up circular firing squads.

See! I can be critical of everyone.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

On an unrelated note, you took a crack at DeSantis earlier for his “elevator boots.” The only boots I’ve ever noticed him wearing were those Nancy Sinatra knockoffs. You sure about this?

Boot Curious in Bradenton

Dear Boot:

Well, I don’t think anyone actually knows for sure, but there was this Politico article in which a couple of boot experts said they were certain he had lifts in his boots that raise his height by about an inch and a half.

He denies this, of course.

And, yeah, he wears boots all the time. This is the picture you were referring to:

I dig the look, actually. Always loved Gogo boots. Have a pair myself. Mine are, of course, pink.

It’s unclear whether DeSantis wore lifts when this photo was taken, but, hey, I always say: You be you. And if it helps elevate his self-esteem, whatever bloats your float. Or something.

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

ASK MISS MINGO

Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

Leave a comment

And now, some shameless advertising…

The official Tropic Press Store is now open and ready for business. You can order your very own Miss Mingo merch online. All sales are final. Check out the store here:

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Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.

Subscribe now

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Ever since former FBI director James Comey was indicted, I have been concerned about my seashell collection and fearful that federal agents may be breaking down my patio door at any moment.

It’s the weirdest thing, kinda like the way hoses and ropes manage to get tangled all by themselves, my shells have—all on their own, I swear—started spelling things where I have them laid out on my poolside table.

Here’s a picture I took just this morning:

I am now concerned that my seashells may be possessed and are doing this just to get me in trouble. So, here’s my question:

Do seashells get mad at us when we collect them from the beach? And could this be their revenge?

Creeped Out in Coral Gables

Dear Creeped:

Just because you may possess seashells, that does not mean they are possessed. Two different things.

However, it has been my experience that if the shells still contain their critters, those mollusks may try to escape, and I suppose it is within the realm of the possible that given an infinite number of mollusks over an infinite period of time, they might spell out something.

For instance, just the other day, when I was in Palm Beach, I saw some conchs on the beach near Mar-a-Lago crawling around, and for a brief moment, I thought I noticed a pattern. Here’s a picture I shot with my iPhone:

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I truly can’t believe the Dumpster Fire administration is going to court over seashell art.....I mean it generally sucks, but it’s not sedition. I feel it deserves a little tongue twister:

She sells seashells by the seashore,

but Comey’s shells made forty-seven sore.

8-6, 4-7 scratched in the sand one fine day,

and the big baby cried till his hair turned gray.

Seashells! Sedition! The tantrum was grand,

the most powerful man... can’t stand the hot sand.

He bellowed and bawled and bleated and stewed …

while Comey just walked and enjoyed the view.

So, she sells seashells by the seashore still,

and 47’s lawyers are trying again until

some judge takes a look at this whole sorry case

and tosses the shells right back in his face.

Petty in Pinellas

Dear Petty:

Further evidence that some of the most creative writing here on Tropic Press comes from our readers. Thanks.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

So, the Florida legislature has gerrymandered the hell out of the state’s congressional districts, and the U.S. Supreme Court just shot the Voting Rights Act in the head. What does that mean for the upcoming midterm elections?

Apoplectic in Apalachicola

Dear Apoplectic:

Nothing good.

The decision in Tallahassee was bad enough, but now the Roberts Court has decided that any protections minorities had against being excluded from equal representation in Congress is out the window.

If you draw political boundaries that allow Blacks to have a voice, then you are automatically discriminating against poor, beleaguered white people. Or so the court seems to be reasoning, which is exactly what Gov. Ron DeSantis argued the other day, too.

Maybe they’re all possessed. By something. Racism, maybe?

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

ASK MISS MINGO

Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

Leave a comment

And now, some shameless advertising…

The official Tropic Press Store is now open and ready for business. You can order your very own Miss Mingo merch online. All sales are final. Check out the store here:

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Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.

Subscribe now

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I am wondering about the rumor that is spreading that Donald J. Trump has directed his Secretary of Health and Human Services, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., to negotiate a menu expansion at his favorite restaurant, McDonald’s. The iconic menu item at the restaurant is currently the “Big Mac” known to consist of “two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame bun.”

Proposals to date have determined that the new item will be eponymously called the “Mac Donald.” Ingredients will be “two all liver patties, orange sauce, wilted lettuce, moldy cheese, and a golden bun embossed with an image of Mr. Trump.” The liver-based Mac Donald is designed to be a cheaper alternative to the Big Mac for those people who cannot afford ground beef. The orange sauce is really excellent in covering the grey tones that can emerge when liver is not cooked properly. The wilted lettuce will be naturally wilted, not wilted through cooking measures, as lettuce past its prime can be purchased cheaply. The moldy cheese will serve as a health benefit serving as an antibiotic and health enhancer that replaces the need for vaccines. There will be no pickles or onions on the Mac Donald as there is no way to ensure that these items have been picked only by documented individuals. The golden brown bun will be toasted on the top using a branding iron with a profile of Mr. Trump.

This sounds like an effort by the president to expand his brand recognition so that he will not have to rely on having his name only on buildings, airports, apparel, skin care products, home goods, pickleball paddles and various other sundries. It would also provide another excuse for nausea in regard to all things Trump.

Is this rumor on the level?

William

Dear William:

I think you and I need to get something straight:

I’m supposed to be the comedian here. When letter writers like you submit questions that are funnier than anything I could possibly come up with, my boss may start wondering: Maybe I should hire this guy and ditch the bird.

I’m having a hard enough time paying my bar tab as it is.

(Just kidding, this is a GREAT question and, besides, I’m not only a protected class, I’m also an endangered species (Journalista americana), so no way would the Tropic Press H.R. Department let me get sacked.)

Now, is there any truth to this? Perhaps asked another way, is it beyond the imagination that Donald Trump would use his power and influence to have yet one more thing named for himself?

No, it is absolutely not beyond our imaginations, is it? After all, you just imagined it. And if we can imagine it, it can happen.

And since we are publishing this out to hundreds of thousands of loyal readers, we can be certain it is now grist for the rumor mill.

Is it on the level? What is these days?

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Speaking of Trump and food, I heard that Dr. Mehmet Oz was on Donald Trump Jr.’s podcast, Triggered, and he said the president has a fondness for orange Fanta, which he jokingly refers to as “freshly squeezed.”

Oz evidently said he was on Air Force One and spotted the soft drink on Trump’s desk and that when he asked His Majesty about the soda, Trump made that “fresh squeezed” quip, presumably as a joke.

Trump also apparently suggested that diet sodas are beneficial because they “kill grass” if spilled, and therefore might “kill cancer cells.”

This raises a question in my mind:

Do diet soft drinks really kill grass, and can I use them instead of commercial weed killers?

Curious in Coral Gables

Dear Curious:

To test this out, I wandered over to my neighbor’s yard and “accidentally” spilled some Diet Coke on his lawn.

I went back the next day and saw no noticeable damage to the grass.

Which is a good thing, because when I returned to the scene of the crime, I noticed for the first time that my neighbor has a pair of cameras pointing to his front yard, and he could have caught me in the act

Lucky break there was no harm done.

Too bad in one sense, though, because wouldn’t it be nice if we had something more effective than cancer-causing weed killers to tend to our gardens?

As for Fanta Orange Zero Sugar’s health benefits, here are the ingredients I found on the never-wrong internet, so you can judge for yourself. I am not a chemist, so for all I know this might be the cure for cancer, Covid, or maybe even armpit fungus.

Carbonated water, critic acid, Aspartame and Acesulfame Potassium, natural orange flavoring, Potassium Benzoate, modified food starch, Glycerol Ester of Rosin, Sucrose Acetate Isobutyrate, medium chain triglycerides, and potassium citrate.

Yum.

I live in Florida (so does the president), so when I have a hankering for orange soda, I just take some fresh orange juice, which, despite citrus greening, is still in plentiful supply, and splash in some club soda.

If the sun is past the yardarm, a dash of Tito’s can give it a nice kick.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Admit it. You can’t possibly write such brilliant prose if you’re swilling orange juice, club soda, and vodka for lunch. Not even Hemingway could do that!

Skeptical in Sarasota.

Dear Skeptical:

Well, you caught me. I usually skip the club soda.

Just kidding. The truth is, a few snorts and it’s bedtime for me, so I’ve learned to pace myself.

But don’t underestimate Hemingway. He made me look like an amateur. And he died young for it at the tender age of 61. I won’t say I’ve already beaten him in the longevity department, but that’s because a lady never reveals her age.

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

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Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

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Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.

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DEAR MISS MINGO:

I’m a little confused.

I know Florida has a very short (two months, is it?) annual legislative session, so it’s not a big surprise that our representatives don’t get much done other than serving the interests of their lobbyist and special-interest masters.

So, sure, there have to be special sessions, which I guess the governor gets to call, when they don’t finish their required business, like drafting the state’s annual budget.

But now (Gov. Ron) DeSantis has delayed the special session because nobody was ready, and added another one to take up, among other things, his obsession about eliminating vaccination requirements for school children? And another topic will be redrawing congressional districts so his buddy, Donald Trump, won’t lose control of Congress?

While there’s still no budget?

This is causing me to lose faith in our government. Help!

Crestfallen in Crestview

Dear Crestfallen:

And they didn’t name the flamingo the state bird, either, and where’s the special session for that?

But, seriously, yeah, this is a clown fiesta of the first order.

They say they want to eliminate property taxes, but have no clear plan on how to replace the money those taxes raise for essential services.

They want to eliminate vaccinations in the middle of a measles outbreak—measles being the “canary in the coal mine” of infectious diseases, meaning the more we cut back on vaccinations, the more infectious diseases we will be exposed to.

And even though the state’s congressional districts already overwhelmingly favor Republicans (20 out of 28 seats), that’s not enough?

It is crazy.

But don’t lose hope.

Democracy is designed to be self-correcting. And assuming the would-be monarch in the White House doesn’t declare a national emergency or some other bit of hockeypock, we’ll have the opportunity in November to fix this.

But it does require us to actually get out of our easy chairs, and VOTE!

The Washington Post has a motto that so far has survived Jeff Bezos. It reads: “Democracy Dies in Darkness.” True that. But, more to the point, democracy dies from complacency.

We can’t afford to be complacent this year of all years.

Sorry if this isn’t particularly amusing, but we are in the middle of an existential crisis.

God, I need another drink.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Marks Brothers is a siding manufacturer in Oregon and some kind of musical group in Pennsylvania. So, last week, when you wrote Marks Brothers Central Casting, I assume you meant Marx Brothers, right?

Thank you for letting me pretend for a moment that the world's not on fire and small-time typos in the news are still worth correcting.

Hope life in the Keys is still more Jimmy Buffett than bullshit,

Alice

Dear Alice:

Ooops!

Good catch. While I was writing that column last week, I was also corresponding with a guy whose last name is Marks. Honestly, I wouldn’t lie about a thing like that. And I assume that’s how I got those mixed up.

Or maybe it was the martini?

Who knows?

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

ASK MISS MINGO

Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

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Time to take back our state

The upcoming midterm elections provide a generational opportunity to change the complexion of Florida’s political makeup. But for that to happen, Republican incumbents in the Legislature must face Democrats on the ballot. Currently, there are far too many seats where Republicans stand to run unopposed. Here’s how we can fix that:

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Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.

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DEAR MISS MINGO:

If you cannot vote because you don’t have the proper paperwork to prove your citizenship and/or your identity in the eyes of the current occupant of the Oval Office and his minions, do you have to pay taxes, serve on jury duty, sign up for the draft, get a driver’s license?

Just wondering.

Barb Harrington

Dear Barb:

Your question reminds me of one of the rallying cries of the American Revolution, you know, the war we fought to ensure that our country wasn’t ruled by kings or wannabes.

It went:

“No taxation without representation!”

Given that, I would say you would be perfectly within your rights to stop paying taxes, fail to register for the draft, serve on juries, etc.

In principle.

As it turns out, just because you’re right, doesn’t mean you’re legal. For instance, even undocumented immigrants living in our country are required to pay taxes and register for the draft. Even though they can’t vote.

(And, for the record, they DON’T vote despite all the deranged yammering by some losers about stolen elections.)

But someone—and it could be YOU—could stand on principle and make a visible public statement of defiance to underscore how stupid and immoral all these voter suppression laws are.

Good luck with that!

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Speaking of the draft, is it true that President Trump wants to reinstitute the draft even though he famously was a Vietnam War draft dodger?

Mad at MacDill

Dear Mad:

Why the Trump administration would bring up the draft while we are in the middle of a terrifying and unconstitutional war in Iran is a real puzzler.

But, in all fairness, the Selective Service System for years has been talking about how inefficient its draft sign-up process is, how it has no teeth, and how easily it can be avoided.

Their plan is to scour all the federal databases to find young men who have failed to register and put them on the list. Hopefully, that’s the end of it and that the senile lunatic at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue doesn’t have any plans to start calling people up.

In fact, it would take an act of Congress to do so, and for a president to attempt it unilaterally would be illegal.

Not that considerations of law and constitutionality have ever hindered the Orange Trouser Stain before.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I think that the Democrats have missed out on the use of the word “trumpery” in their anti-Trump postings.

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, Trumpery refers to something showy or attractive yet ultimately worthless, deceptive, or nonsensical.

Check it out and make use of it.

Enjoy your weekly column!

Bill Dolbier

Dear Bill:

I pondered how to make use of it and decided the best way was simply to publish your letter. Thanks.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Here's a great reporter’s scoop for ya! We've all been diligently searching for where the people in the Trump administration came from. We all thought it was from Trump watching TV all day and picking the craziest people he could find. Silly us! Here's the real reason:

No One at Waffle House Remembers FEMA Official Who Says he Teleported In

Fulfilled in Venice

Dear Fulfilled:

Oh, to be fulfilled in Venice. Gondolas on the canals, St. Mark’s Basilica, Doge’s Palace… Oh, wait, you mean Venice, Florida. Well, it is very nice too.

Thanks for the link to that hilarious New York Times story.

Yeah, Trump seems to be filling his top administration posts from Marx Brothers Central Casting, and with the sacking of Kristi Noem and Pam Bondi, it looks like an encore performance from his first term, more purging to come.

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

ASK MISS MINGO

Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

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Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.

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DEAR MISS MINGO:

I get the impression that Florida Attorney General James Uthmeier’s new push to arm “non-dangerous” felons is solely for the purpose of allowing Donald J. Trump to carry heat since he is a convicted felon, and he wants to get on his good side.

I’d like to hear what you think.

Pondering in Pembroke Pines

Dear Pondering:

Who needs trained journalists? The best questions come from readers, and this one hits the bullseye.

Yes, it is entirely possible—indeed, it’s nearly guaranteed that Uthmeier’s every deed is designed to curry favor with the MAGA crowd.

Remember, this is what Trump said about firearms during his first presidential campaign:

“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn't lose any voters, OK? It's, like, incredible."

That was years before Trump was convicted of 34 felony counts. If he tried that today, he could be arrested because felons are not allowed to possess guns in New York. (Of course, they’re not allowed to shoot people, either.)

It’s conceivable that Uthmeier may be signaling Trump that in Florida, he can get away with anything he wants. After all, as Trump also infamously said:

“When you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything...”

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I just returned from domestic travel. In Los Angeles and Washington, D.C., my restaurant tabs have included a strange new 10 percent to 15 percent charge. When I inquired if this was a mandatory waiter’s tip, I was informed, no, this was a fee for the benefit of the kitchen staff.

When I suggested that maybe it was the owner’s responsibility to see the help is paid a living wage, not mine, a manager was soon summoned, and it was suggested I was being disrespectful.

So, Miss Mingo, is there a way to head off this new restaurant charge before it hits Southern Florida?

Expecting the worst in Florida,

Richard Tenewitz

Dear Richard:

Yes, this appears to be a growing and annoying trend, and you’re not wrong that these fees are being levied so restaurant owners don’t have to build the extra labor costs into their menu prices.

In other parts of the world, restaurant workers are paid a living wage and don’t rely on the so-called “social contract” of tipping to supplement their wages.

Florida law is a little interesting on this front, according to my research on the never-wrong internet:

As of September 30, 2025, Florida's minimum wage for non-tipped employees is $14.00 per hour. For tipped restaurant employees, employers must pay a direct cash wage of at least $10.98 per hour. If tips plus the direct wage do not equal at least $14.00 per hour, the employer must make up the difference.

I also read that these “back-of-the-house” or “kitchen appreciation” fees are getting pushback, so you’re not alone. Some places are passing laws requiring restaurants to disclose these charges on menus and receipts beforehand.

If calorie counts are on the menu, why not the actual price? Seems fair to me.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

So, I’ve been reading about trumpet symbolism in history. There’s the trumpet of the elephant to signal its presence. The trumpets in religions symbolizing the times to come. It got me to wondering, do you think “Trump” is also a symbol?

Thank you, Miss Mingo!!

Karrie Ford

Dear Karrie:

According to some accounts, the original family name of Trump’s grandfather was Drumpf, which was later anglicized to Trump.

The name is, as you suggest, was associated with a “trumpet blast” in the 16th century.

Trump’s critics, of which there are legions, use this to make fun of the would-be-monarch. It was really popularized by John Oliver on his Last Week Tonight show.

So, is it a symbol? Yes. It symbolizes loud, annoying noises, as in: “I have to turn my hearing aid down, Martha, to block out all the president’s damned drumpf!”

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Hey Girl….Enjoy your incisive insights with your charming mix of humor!

Heard recently on the news there had been another murderous strike on a small boat, killing four accused without trial or so much as mention of a jury, of being illicit drug couriers, and that the justification was a declared “war on drugs”.

But isn’t it only Congress that is allowed to declare war?

It was also mentioned that this was the eleventh such small boat decimation with a total around 44 or so summarily blown to smithereens. But again, back in school days we were taught those accused were considered “innocent, until proven guilty by a jury of their peers…”!

Would love you to do a check in your inimitable style and report who authorized this “war”, by what authority it proceeds forward; is it in breach of U.S. or international or even moral law? Reminds me of that Russian & Israeli guy with poison or precise, exact deadly hits, unfettered, decisive, killing whoever they please. Seems inappropriate for the U.S., said to be Land of the Free and Home of the Brave!

Roy Webster

Dear Roy:

Isn’t it interesting how we play games with people’s lives while fiddling with semantics?

When is a war a war? When Congress says so. But it doesn’t make anyone less dead, does it, if Congress decides to turn a blind eye as it has with our non-war in Iran?

Seems as though we are increasingly taking pages from Vladimir Putin’s playbook, who, to this day, insists Russia isn’t at “war” with Ukraine, it’s just a “special military operation.”

A distinction without a difference that reinforces George Orwell’s reputation as a prophet for our times.

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

ASK MISS MINGO

Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

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Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.

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DEAR MISS MINGO:

I see that the Florida Legislature hatefully failed to make the flamingo the state bird. Is there some kind of prejudice involved with this decision? I mean, they’re mostly Republicans, right, and mostly men? Do they just detest the color pink because it’s unmanly or something? And are you personally offended by that?

Flamingo Fan in Flagler

Dear Fan:

Just to be clear, I’m not an actual talking/writing flamingo, you know, right? It’s just my nickname. That said, among the many things I love about Florida are its exotic birds, none more so than the flamingo. I mean, I got the nickname because I always wear pink, so, yeah, I’m a fan, too.

Now to your questions.

Yes, it is certainly true that men outnumber women in the state House and Senate. Current count is 93 males to 67 females. If there are any elected officeholders there who identify as nonbinary, they aren’t talking about it.

And, yes, you are correct that most members of the Florida Legislature are Republicans. Overwhelmingly so: 116-44.

There’s a reason for this. It’s called gerrymandering, and, if Gov. Ron DeSantis gets his way, more gerrymandering will be on the way. But I digress.

About this whole business of men avoiding pink: I did a little research, and I think that whole blue-is-for-boys and pink-is-for-girls thing is changing. That said, pink is associated with Breast Cancer Awareness Month, women’s rights, and LGBTQ+ causes, so, yeah, maybe some Republicans steer clear of the color for fear they could be misidentified as thoughtful.

But doesn’t everyone love flamingos?

For all practical purposes, it IS the state bird already. After all, it’s the symbol of the lottery, and what could say “Florida” more than a game for the mathematically impaired? It is the iconic bird of our great state.

When people think of Florida, do you really imagine that images of the northern mockingbird come to mind? Northern?? It’s enough to make a flamingo lover shed pink tears.

I mean, why do you think Florida’s abbreviation is FLA instead of FLO? Flamingo, of course.

And isn’t it what Florida was called before all the Spanish conquistadores arrived to share smallpox with the natives? That’s right! Flamingo is a rough translation of “Land of the One-Legged Pink Birds” in Calusa, said nobody ever (until now).

But, back on track, no, I don’t think the Legislature failed to change the state bird to the flamingo because of any sort of prejudice. In fact, it seemed to have widespread support in both political parties.

Not prejudice. Simply incompetence.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Some time ago, you wrote a column addressing the question of matching shoes and holsters for Florida women who open-carry their pistols. I try to keep up with fashion trends. Any updates?

Packing in Pinellas

Dear Packing:

First off, I wrote that piece, tongue-in-beak, as a way to poke a little well-deserved sarcasm at the whole open-carry phenom in Florida.

Since I don’t own a gun, nor would I go around like Annie Oakley displaying it even if I did, I might not be the best person to consult on this. Also, there are some people—like the bartender pouring me a drink right now at the Hard Rock—who have accused me of being obsessed with the color pink, as we just discussed in the item above.

So, were I to pack heat, it would definitely have to be a pink holster with pink shoes. But the bigger question is: Does anyone make a pink sidearm?

I looked that up, and, as it turns out, there are several gun makers who do just that as a marketing ploy to get more women to buy guns. Kinda like making candy-flavored cigarettes to lure children into smoking, I suppose. Could marketers be more craven? Oh, sure. There are no boundaries when it comes to merchandising.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Isn’t that a little cynical? Historically, hasn’t advertising, on balance, been a good thing?

Marlboro Man in Manatee

Dear Marlboro:

Hahahahahaha.

You mean like this?

Or this?

Or this?

I’ll stop now. Bartender, pour me another….

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

ASK MISS MINGO

Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

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Today, millions of Americans will take to the streets for the latest No Kings Day rally. You can find the one nearest to you here.

Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.

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DEAR MISS MINGO:

I heard on the Dave Elliott radio show yesterday that it was Alien Abduction Day. Does this refer to space aliens abducting innocent Earthlings or the activities of ICE agents abducting and incarcerating undocumented immigrants at concentration camps like Alligator Alcatraz? Or both?

Curious in Clewiston

Dear Curious:

Neither, although I can see how this would easily become confusing.

It actually refers to an incident that occurred over the skies of Roswell, New Mexico, in 1947 when American fighter aircraft shot down a flying saucer.

Of course, there was a huge cover-up, and the Pentagon claimed it was just a weather balloon (it’s always a weather balloon, right?).

But, in truth, a pair of space aliens were captured (abducted) and hauled off to a secret bunker at Wright Patterson Air Force Base in Dayton, Ohio, where, sources tell me, they are still alive today.

Interestingly, they love pasta, so I have to wonder if it is a coincidence that, in addition to Alien Abduction Day, it was also Ravioli Day.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I see that Florida’s former attorney general — and now U.S. Attorney General — Pam Bondi has been subpoenaed to testify before the House Oversight Committee to defend herself over her failure to fully release the Epstein Files as required by a law passed by Congress and signed by Donald Trump. What happens if she refuses?

Legally Blonde in Bradenton

Dear Legally:

The last time Bondi showed up for a congressional hearing, she went Full Karen and was widely ridiculed. So, it wouldn’t surprise me if she snubbed this latest attempt to force the truth out of her.

The committee could move to hold her in contempt, which requires a full vote of the House of Representatives, although she could argue about the validity of the subpoena.

Another problem: A contempt charge against Bondi would be prosecuted by the Justice Department, which she heads, so the odds of that happening approach zero.

Congress could also file suit in federal court, but where that would lead seems murky as red tide.

Ultimately, she could be impeached, and articles of impeachment have been filed, but so far, haven’t gained any traction.

So, my answer, even though I am not an attorney, is that the consequences would be more political than legal. Her failure to show up would hand Democrats a wonderful gift. “What’s Pam Hiding?” I can see the memes now.

So, I’m personally hoping she gets all stubborn and petulant about it and falls into that trap.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Full Karen? Isn’t that a little unfair to all the women out there who, through no fault of their own, were named Karen by their parents? And should the actual Karens of the world be entitled to sue their mothers and fathers for naming them that?

@ Real Karen in Clearwater

Dear Karen:

Hey, I didn’t invent the whole Karen-as-an-entitled-white-woman-throwing-her-priviledged-weight-around thing, so don’t blame (or sue) me.

Could a real Karen such as yourself sue your parents?

Of course.

But in so doing, I think you’d prove the point of the meme.

Think about that. If you can.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

OK. But can we change it to going Full Bondi?

@ Real Karen (again)

Dear Karen:

Works for me.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Will you be attending one of the No Kings Day rallies on March 28? Just curious whether as a registered journalist, you are allowed to participate in such things.

Ethically Minded in Marathon

Dear Ethically Minded:

Were I a news reporter, like I was in the good old days, it would be considered unethical for me to be an active participant in any political activity like that. Reporters are entitled to their own feelings and can belong to political parties (although I never did) and vote (I certainly do), but are expected to conduct themselves objectively, showing no favoritism to any side in a political debate.

That said, I’m not a reporter anymore. I’m a columnist, and the editors at Tropic Press actually pay me to have an opinion.

So, yeah, you can count on it. In fact, just as soon as I finish typing this (and finishing my drink), I’m painting my sign.

See you there!

DEAR MISS MINGO:

In your first item today, you referred to the Dave Elliott show, a talk radio program in Southwest Florida. Wasn’t that just a shameless plug since your boss, J.C. Bruce, is on the show every Friday at 8:10 a.m.?

Radiohead in Reddington Beach

Dear Radiohead:

Totally a coincidence. Although, since you mention it, here’s a link for more information:

The Dave Elliott Show

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

ASK MISS MINGO

Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

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The official Tropic Press Store is now open and ready for business. You can order your very own Miss Mingo tee shirts and coffee mugs online. All sales are final. Check out the store here:

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Coming Tomorrow:

The U.S. government took a half century to build a vaccination system that shielded children from deadly diseases. Its success depended on two fundamental pillars: parents trusting in vaccines and children having access to them. Both are now in peril, especially here in Florida. Coming Sunday: A special report from ProPublica.

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Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.

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DEAR MISS MINGO:

What did Trump mean when he said on TV that we are winning so much people are getting sick of winning? Unemployment is up. Job creation is down. The stock market is plummeting. I can’t afford to fill my car with gas now. His illegal tariffs are driving up the price of everything. And we’re at war. This doesn’t seem like winning to me.

Disturbed in Dunedin

Dear Disturbed:

You are referring, of course, to this oft-quoted diatribe from Dear Leader:

We are winning so much, that we really don't know what to do about it. People are asking me, ‘please, please, please Mr. President, we are winning too much, we can't take it anymore. We're not used to winning in our country.’

To fully understand this quote, you have to realize that Trump wasn’t talking about America.

When he said, “We’re not used to winning in our country,” he clearly couldn’t have been referring to the United States of America unless he’s completely delusional. America is the most successful country in the history of the world by almost any “winning” measure—as long as you’re not talking about health care or the Miami Dolphins.

What country, then?

Has to be Russia. Trump seems to be dedicating the bulk of his presidency to denying the Epstein files evidence and bailing out his boy crush Vladimir Putin.

Consider:

Trump’s grand plan to end the war in Ukraine, which is killing the Russian economy, was a proposed treaty that basically called for Ukraine’s surrender.

When that went over like a lead zeppelin, he started a war with Iran, which, predictably, resulted in a huge spike in oil prices. And then this week, he dropped the embargo on Russian oil, creating a huge financial windfall for Putin, which he can use to finance his war effort in Ukraine.

Who’s the winner? Gotta be Russia. Certainly not the United States with all the chaos and rising prices he’s created here at home.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

You’re sounding a little paranoid there, aren’t you? Suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome are we?

John Barron in Palm Beach

Dear John:

It’s not paranoia when everywhere you turn, your government seems to be conspiring against you. It’s gotten so bad that I’m afraid to wear a surgical mask in crowded places for fear people will think I’m an ICE agent.

And there’s only one person on Earth suffering from TDS, and that’s DJT.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Since you seem to have succumbed to conspiracy theories about government heavy-handedness, what are your thoughts about the Florida Legislature passing that bill making it harder for people to register to vote?

Cynical in Clearwater

Dear Cynical:

First off, the Florida Constitution already forbids anyone who is not a citizen from voting. And there is no meaningful voter fraud in Florida. In the last election, there were fewer than 200 questionable ballots cast out of the hundreds of thousands of votes. Even the sponsors of the legislation conceded that.

This is Jim Crow all over again.

Remember the bad old days of poll taxes?

Well, of course you don’t, you’re entirely too young. But there was a time when Southern racists charged a fee on Black people who wanted to vote. It was, perfectly obviously, a way to keep poor people away from the voting booth.

That’s all this new legislation is, another form of poll tax, this time wrapped around the guise of election integrity. Want to register to vote? Well, when this new law takes effect—thankfully not until after the midterm elections—you’ll need to show your papers.

Cue footage from World War II movies of German Gestapo demanding everyone on the street to cough up their IDs or head straight to the nearest concentration camp.

What kind of papers? Oh, things like birth certificates, passports—you know, the ordinary documents we all carry around with us.

Not.

It’s enough to drive a woman (who, thankfully, never married and changed her last name) to drink.

Which is where I’m off to now.

Have a great weekend. And register to vote while you still can.

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

ASK MISS MINGO

Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

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Time to take back our state

The upcoming midterm elections provide a generational opportunity to change the complexion of Florida’s political makeup. But for that to happen, Republican incumbents in the Legislature must face Democrats on the ballot. Currently, there are far too many seats where Republicans stand to run unopposed. Here’s how we can fix that:

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Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.

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DEAR MISS MINGO:

Is there any truth to a rumor I heard that the Florida House of Representatives has decided not to take up a bill that would drop vaccination requirements for school children even though it passed in the Senate? And isn’t this a win for science and sanity?

Relieved in Riverview

Dear Relieved:

We need to take our wins where we can find them, so yes. But there are a few caveats we should be aware of.

Here’s the situation:

Gov. Ron DeSantis and his surgeon general, Joe Ladapo, have made a big deal about “medical freedom” and how forcing kids to take life-saving shots is tantamount to “slavery.”

As if taking proven precautions to prevent another polio pandemic were a bad thing.

So, dutifully, Republicans in the Legislature introduced bills to make it easier for parents to exempt their school-age children from vaccine mandates.

Scientists, doctors, other health experts, and anyone with an ounce of gray matter between their ears screamed out in protest, but the state Senate rarely lets facts get in the way of pandering to the delusional MAGA and MAHA cults.

In the House, though, Speaker Daniel Perez has said the bill is dead this session. It hasn’t been moved out of committees and won’t be considered before this year’s regular session of the Legislature ends this month.

The fact that Florida now has the third-highest number of measles outbreaks in the country certainly didn’t make that decision more difficult. Measles is a highly infectious disease and is kind of like the canary in the coal mine when it comes to pandemics: First comes measles, then comes polio—that’s the thinking. It happens when people stop getting vaccinated and herd immunity is weakened.

So, it’s all good that this madness has been stopped in the House.

But this is the Florida Legislature, and this is politics, so never say never.

There is at least one special session of the Legislature planned for later to redraw the boundaries of congressional districts to help Republican candidates, and this session could be extended or another special session added to finish working on the budget. The point being that anything can — and often does — happen whenever the Legislature is meeting.

So, to quote the immortal words that Thomas Jefferson should have said: “Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty.”

DEAR MISS MINGO:

What do you mean by “should have said?” You mean Thomas Jefferson never actually said those words? That’s not what I learned in school.

Troubled in Tallahassee

Dear Troubled:

Yeah, that quote is frequently attributed to Jefferson, and he did, indeed, say many clever things. But not that.

According to historians, there are several people who did say it, though, notably the liberal activist and abolitionist Wendell Phillips speaking to the Massachusetts Anti-Slavery Society in 1852, to wit:

“Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty; power is ever stealing from the many to the few…”

Even Jefferson, ever modest, declined to take credit. As he posted on Facebook:

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Oh, come on. You’re just being silly. We all know Facebook wasn’t around when Jefferson was alive. You’re just testing us, trying to make sure we’re paying attention, admit it.

Cynical in Clearwater.

Dear Cynical:

Well, you caught me. As Abraham Lincoln once said:

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I just heard on the Dave Elliot radio show that Waffle House has banned James Fishback, one of the Republicans running for governor. What’s that about?

Laughing in Largo

Dear Laughing:

Yes, Fishback has posted on Twitter, the social media site that is currently — and ridiculously — calling itself “X,” that he had a deal to visit every Waffle House in Florida as part of his campaign. But they backed out.

We’ve only heard his side of the story as this was written, so details on what prompted Waffle House to change its mind are unclear.

Clever idea, though, on Fishback’s part. It reminded me of how “Walkin’ Lawton” Chiles in 1970 literally traveled the state on foot during his U.S. Senate campaign from Pensacola to Key Largo—a whopping 1,033 miles.

And it worked. He won.

I thought the Waffle House idea was brilliant. But I get why the restaurant chain might have second thoughts about it. Who in their right mind wants to get tangled up in that? Next thing you know, every politician in the state with their hordes of supporters would be showing up at Waffle Houses. How would they ever keep enough batter in stock?

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

ASK MISS MINGO

Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

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Meet J.C. Bruce in Fort Myers

The annual Southwest Florida Reading Festival is today, and Tropic Press founder and author J.C. Bruce will be there autographing copies of the books in his Strange Files series of mysterious adventures, most of them set right here in the Gunshine State. If you’re in the neighborhood, stop by.

Reading Festival Details

Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.

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DEAR MISS MINGO:

I have heard that there is a move afoot to insert $2 million of funding into the Florida “veggie libel” bill for the Florida Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services. The purpose of this funding is to develop a new citrus product to be known as the “Trump Orange.” The sole criterion for the development of this orange is that its fruit color must match that of the president’s skin tone. There are no other qualities to be specified for the fruit. Indeed, the funding statement even states specifically that brown discolorations from various diseases will not disqualify this product from commercialization.

I am wondering if this proposal is meant to make it illegal to mock the president’s skin color by permitting prosecution of those who would do so using the provisions of the “veggie libel” bill.

Thank you for your wisdom.

William

Dear William:

This reminds me of the spelling bee contestant who, when asked to spell “orange,” asked whether it was the fruit or the color.

In this case, both.

The color orange is very much associated with Trump, as in nicknames such as Orange-a-Lago, the Orange Menace, the Orange Oligarch, and the Orange Trouser Stain.

But, of course, orange coloration is not restricted to that particular fruit or vegetable. There’s the Tangerine Tantrum, the Mango Mussolini, the Pumpkin Populist, and so forth.

Wait! Or mangos orange? Well, never let facts get in the way of a good joke.

But, yes, if that amendment passes, any insult to Trump’s orange skin could fall under the jurisdiction of the state’s Veggie Libel Law, and perpetrators could be sued for billions of dollars.

Even more frightening, another bill before the Legislature would create a new anti-terrorism unit in the Florida Department of Law Enforcement charged with tracking down anyone whose words are viewed as “a threat or are inimical to the interests of this state.”

And who gets to decide who Florida’s new Thought Police would prosecute? Were it a reality today, that would be the current attorney general, not elected by the people but appointed by Gov. Ron DeSantis, who has shown no hesitancy in doing whatever his dear leader Trump demands.

Sleep well.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Hey! I like the idea of having all our airports named “The Current Occupant of the White House International Airport.” We pay low, mass produced prices for hundreds of airport signs and never have to replace them.

KJ

Dear KJ:

Yes! Florida Phoenix columnist Diane Roberts used that line in a recent column, and it was brilliant.

Renaming the Palm Beach International Airport in Trump’s honor is estimated to cost $5 million that otherwise could have been spent on—oh, I don’t know—the welfare of the state’s citizens? Just a thought.

Should the Democrats regain control of Congress, which seems likely after the midterm elections, would they insist on legislation reversing all these sycophantic Trump renamings around the country? And, if so, would that cost us yet another $5 million to reverse the damage?

This idea would fix that costly crisis. On the other hand, I kinda fancy the idea of renaming the airport the John F. Kennedy Memorial International Airport just to stick it to the Orange Mango Menace.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

In last week’s column, you mentioned you were writing while sitting at the outdoor bar at the Hard Rock Cafe on Duval Street. Then I noticed this week in one of Ted Lund’s reports from Key West that it’s going to be closed down. Is it possible yours will have been the last Cuba Libre ordered there?

Misty from Marathon

Dear Misty:

I did notice that business seemed a little slow at the Hard Rock while bars right across Duval were hopping. I will miss the place. It was always a great spot to hang out during Fantasy Fest to watch the parade.

So, who will, indeed, be the last person to order a Cuba Libre before they turn out the lights?

I shall make that my quest!

Oh, by the way, if you look closely at the photograph that ran with Ted Lund’s story on this, you can just barely see me at the bar!

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

ASK MISS MINGO

Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

Get Your Mingo Merch

The official Tropic Press Store is now open and ready for business. You can order your very own Miss Mingo tee shirts and coffee mugs online. All sales are final. Check out the store here:

Tropic Press Store

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Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.

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DEAR MISS MINGO:

Why is a person running for governor called a gubernatorial candidate? Shouldn’t they be called a governornatorial candidate? OK, maybe that sounds a little weird, now that I’ve said it. Maybe we should just refer to governors as gubernors? That would certainly simplify things. Here in Florida, we have a history of electing gubers. What do you think?

Bewildered in Bradenton,

Jack

Dear Jack:

I have long wondered the same thing, and it certainly is true that we have a history of electing gubers here in Florida, although I believed, until a moment ago, that the correct spelling was goober.

But I decided to check, and this is what I learned while sipping a delicious Cuba Libre at the Hard Rock Cafe’s outdoor bar on Duval Street. (Normally I do my typing indoors, but it’s a pretty day and Irish Kevin’s is so loud and crowded today with the cruise ship tourists, I couldn’t hear myself think in there.)

If you look up the word “goober,” you’ll see that among the definitions available online is “an unsophisticated goofy person,” which absolutely fits many of our elected leaders here in the open-carry Gunshine State.

I also learned to my surprise that there is, in fact, a standalone word “guber.” It’s pronounced just like goober, and it was coined in Nigeria.

Here’s the story:

While “gubernatorial” is an American term, Nigerian headline writers invented the shortened form “guber,” which has migrated into common everyday political discourse in Nigeria, as in “Joe Below Zero is running for guber.” And in 2020, the Oxford English Dictionary began including it as well as several other Nigerian English words.

So, the word “guber” may be an invasive term, but it seems it is here to stay, just like all those annoying frozen green iguanas falling out of the palm trees.

So, back to your original point:

My reading of this is that it would be mangling Nigerian (and now Oxford) English to use the expression Gubernor DeSantis. The correct form would be Guber DeSantis. And I suppose the abbreviated form would be Gub. DeSantis.

I rather like that, and I believe I will now adopt it as an entry in my personal, official style book. As you can see, I even talked our headline writer at Tropic Press to use it on this column.

Thanks!

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I read that President tRump is trademarking his name and initials so that when they rename the Palm Beach County airport for him, he can get a cut of the action at all the trinket shops.

Is there a word for this kind of crass, lowlife, snake-oilish behavior?

Disgusted (formerly from) Dunedin,

Ron

Dear Gub:

This seems like a day for hitting the dictionary. My first impulse was the word “cheesy,” but that seems inadequate as it merely means “cheap, unpleasant and blatantly inauthentic.”

Since any merch bearing trademarked Trump naming rights would, by definition, be an “authentic Trump tchotchke,” cheesy may not be the right word we’re looking for here.

Other words that come to mind could include, but not limited to:

Unseemly.

Tacky.

Tawdry.

Vulgar.

Schlocky.

Unbecoming.

Crass.

Opportunistic.

Shameless.

Embarrassing.

I could go on, but feel free to add your own in the comments below.

Leave a comment

DEAR MISS MINGO:

That previous question? Was that really who I think it was from?

Amazed in Alachua

Dear Amazed:

What, you think I make this stuff up?

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I heard a rumor that once the State Legislature eliminates the use of property taxes to fund police departments in the state that, maybe, Kristi Noem will send ICE agents down here to enforce law and order. Any truth to this?

Troubled in Temple Terrace,

Pam

Dear Pam:

Don’t be silly. ICE agents are not trained to keep the peace. Their job is to create so much chaos that Donald Trump can declare martial law and eliminate the midterm elections because he knows if the Democrats take over the House and Senate, his next stop is Alligator Alcatraz.

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

ASK MISS MINGO

Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

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Note to readers: The Tropic Press Store is now open, but I have been testing merchandise with the various vendors and I am not yet satisfied with the quality of the Miss Mingo tee shirts. I know many of you have been waiting for the store to open, but please bear with me as I work through this. Thanks. Oh, the coffee mugs, though, are the bomb.

J.C. Bruce

Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.

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DEAR MISS MINGO:

I’m confused about those lasers the Border Patrol used in El Paso to shoot down that party balloon that drifted across the Rio Grande into Texas. Was it really worth shutting down the airport there and disrupting all those flights? Did the government think it was full of nerve gas or something?

Chilling in Cape Canaveral

Dear Chilling:

Let me deflate one of your questions first. No, there was no nerve gas involved. How do we know this? Because nerve gases such as Tabun, Sarin and VX are heavier than air, and a balloon inflated with them would not rise in the atmosphere and into the sights of our highly trained laser operatives.

No, they know that a party balloon flitting about the sky has to be inflated with lighter-than-air helium.

If so, why did they shoot it down?

That is subject to some speculation. One theory goes that the Border Patrol agents manning the laser are by nature party poopers and they see their mission as ensuring that nobody anywhere at any moment is having a fun time.

It is also possible that the Border Patrol has not yet been trained to distinguish the radar signature of a child’s balloon from, say, a stealth bomber. That does seem a little concerning, no?

But there is a much larger issue.

Why are we using ground-based energy weapons along our southern border in the first place when we know, because former U.S. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene told us, that we have platoons of orbiting lasers in space?

Sure, they were shot into orbit by Jewish financiers, but haven’t we since taken them over to prevent them from being used to set more forest fires along our West Coast?

In that case, why not point them down and blast those pesky balloons before they can even reach the city limits of El Paso?

There are a couple of problems, according to a well-placed source at the Pentagon (Pete Hegseth’s bartender):

First off, even if the space laser is in geosynchronous orbit 22,000 miles above the Earth and not darting around the planet like low-Earth satellites, it’s still tough to hit a balloon erratically bobbing in the breeze. Sure, lasers shoot at the speed of light, but there’s a 120 millisecond lag at that distance, and that’s enough to make hitting a small moving target challenging.

Also — and this is clearly only a minor concern for Border Patrol agents — there might be a kid under the balloon.

Which is why shooting lasers upwards into the sky is better than shooting down toward the Earth’s surface. Unless you miss and hit the aforementioned Jewish space laser, which could launch World War III when Skynet thinks it’s being attacked.

I hope this clears up your anxiety and concerns.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Key up the old Nancy Sinatra song, “These Boots Were Made for Walking”, as that is what I heard in my head with the picture of Ron DeSantis in those white boots. I think you missed one transformation: starting/volunteering Alligator Alcatraz to gain Trump’s notice so the Justice Department would not investigate his improper transfer of Medicare funds …

Thanks!

Kirk

Dear Kirk:

You are, of course, referring to my earlier column: If Ron DeSantis were a real Transformer, who would he be? And the fund transfers were when millions of dollars from a Medicaid overcharge settlement that were rerouted to help pay for campaigns opposing a pair of citizen ballot initiatives, one regarding the legalization of cannabis and the other to overturn the state’s onerous six-week abortion ban.

And, yes, my sources tell me (different sources from Pete Hegseth’s bartender) that a state grand jury looking into all that is the least of the governor’s problems. Apparently, Nancy Sinatra is preparing to sue him for giving go-go boots a bad name and, thus, diluting her brand.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Since DeSantis is stepping down as governor because, thankfully, term limits, I wonder if he could appoint himself Pope of Florida? The various pope hats might attract Ron to the position as they would offer him that extra height he has been seeking.

MPT

Dear MPT:

There have been a lot of rumors and jokes about our governor’s elevator boots, although he swears he doesn’t wear lifts and that Bootgate is a hoax. He says he is actually five feet eleven inches tall, although some say his actual elevation is more likely in the five-foot-eight-inch to five-foot-nine-inch range.

In any event. a Pope’s mitre would certainly add to his vertical profile.

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

ASK MISS MINGO

Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

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Parting Shot

More online

Thank you for reading today’s Miss Mingo column. You can catch up with previous installments and our weekday newsletter at the Tropic Press website where you will also find occasional guest commentaries, and information about The Strange Files series of mysterious adventures and other books.

Tropic Press Online

Thanks to our sponsor

Today’s report is brought to you by Tropic Press Books, home of The Strange Files. Interested in sponsoring these reports? Contact: Advertising@Tropic.Press

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Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.

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DEAR MISS MINGO:

Is it true that the new movie, Melania, is the worst film ever made? I hear critics calling it nothing more than a propaganda piece, and that watching it was a “living hell,” causing some people to lose their will to live. I also heard it got just a 6 percent Rotten Tomatoes score. Could it really be all that terrible?

Movie Fan in Manatee

Dear Movie:

Here’s what Slate had to say about how narcissistically insipid it is:

Melania Trump’s relative scarcity from her husband’s second term has not gone unnoticed. The first lady had an implicit excuse for her absence though: She’s been busy working on other things, like the documentary she was making, for which Amazon paid her (an insane) $40 million. She couldn’t possibly be expected to serve as first lady in the traditional sense, because she was dedicating all her time to playing the first lady in a movie, a movie that tells the story of a first lady who is bravely making a movie about herself.

All of which has made people long for the good old days when Michelle Obama was the First Lady, which explains why her 2020 Netflix documentary, Becoming, is now enjoying a major resurgence in popularity with a—get this!—13,000 percent increase in viewership so far this month.

Now, I should note that I am not a film critic, but I do have doubts it can be the very worst film ever made. I think that standard was set by Plan 9 From Outer Space by Ed Wood, but I’m willing to be corrected if I’m mistaken.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Since the Constitution contains the “Guarantee of Separation of Church and State,” why is Christmas, a decidedly Christian holiday, a federal holiday?

Don Squire

Dear Don:

Thanks for this question. It arises in response to a story published in Tropic Press last week, the headline of which read:

Florida public schools and religion are increasingly entwined and moving further in that direction.

A few years ago, a federal judge in Ohio—Susan Dlott—was asked the same question in a lawsuit challenging the legitimacy of Christmas as a federal holiday. This was her actual, I kid you not, court ruling, written in verse, which I think you will agree settles the issue:

The court will address

Plaintiff’s seasonal confusion

Erroneously believing Christmas

MERELY a religious intrusion.

Whatever the reason

Constitutional or other

Christmas IS NOT

An act of Big Brother!

Christmas is about joy

And giving and sharing

It is about the child within us

It is mostly about caring!

One is never jailed

For not having a tree

For not going to church

For not spreading glee!

The court will uphold

Seemingly contradictory causes

Decreeing “The establishment” AND “Santa”

Both worthwhile “CLAUS(es)!”

We are all better for Santa

The Easter Bunny too

And maybe the Great Pumpkin

To name just a few!

An extra day off

Is hardly high treason

It may be spent as you wish

Regardless of reason.

The court having read

The lessons of “Lynch”*

Refuses to play

The role of the Grinch!

There is room in this country

And in all our hearts too

For different convictions

And a day off, too!

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Uh, that was weird, but since you mentioned the Easter Bunny, what about the other bunny, Bad Bunny, who is doing the Super Bowl halftime show? Is it true that Republicans are boycotting it? And, if so, why?

Bunny Fan in Bradenton

Dear Bunny Fan:

So, a just-released poll from the University of North Florida shows that 89 percent of Democrats and 77 percent of independents say they plan to watch the halftime show. Contrast that with only 40 percent of Republicans.

Why don’t Republicans like Bad Bunny?

Is it because they don’t dig rap? Or they’re boycotting music from “foreign countries” like Puerto Rico? Or maybe, I don’t know, is it because Bad Bunny endorsed Kamala Harris and he thinks Trump sucks? These all could be factors.

But even so, why miss the rest of the halftime show with that great patriotic band Green Day whose hit song, American Idiot, was written just for Trump?

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I read that something like 8,000 green iguanas, stunned into comas by the cold spell, were gathered up in South Florida and hauled off after they fell out of trees there. What happened to them after that?

Ron in Kettering

Dear Ron:

We love all our wildlife here in Florida, and we have a special place in our hearts for invasive species like iguanas, never mind that they spread Salmonella and dig under our foundations. Lots of local critters are playful like that.

So, yes, specially trained iguana transport teams carefully collected the stunned creatures and safely transported them to a handful of designated facilities around the southern part of the state where Florida Iguana Rescue volunteers gently ensured they would continue to sleep peacefully. Forever.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

As a former ink-stained wretch, I was looking for some part-time jobs to keep my skills sharp and I came across this job listing to work for Megyn Kelly. After I stopped laughing at the idea of trying to maintain her “tone,” I wondered what possibly she could offer that would possibly attract anyone with a sound mind? Then I wondered if it was really a ruse to find young people whose blood she can drink to try and keep her Mar-a-Lago face looking like it’s in its late 40’s.

Beware the job listings, I guess.

Petrified in Pinellas

Dear Petrified:

Thanks for the warning!

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

ASK MISS MINGO

Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

Coming Soon: Miss Mingo Merch

You asked for it. You got it! The Miss Mingo merch store has been set up and all we’re waiting for is the arrival of a few shirts and coffee mugs to make sure they meet our exacting standards. Stay tuned.

More online

Thank you for reading today’s Miss Mingo column. You can catch up with previous installments and our weekday newsletter at the Tropic Press website where you will also find occasional guest commentaries, and information about The Strange Files series of mysterious adventures and other books.

Tropic Press Online

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Today’s report is brought to you by Tropic Press Books, home of The Strange Files. Interested in sponsoring these reports? Contact: Advertising@Tropic.Press

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Tropic Press is a reader-supported publication. Here’s a big shout-out to all our loyal subscribers. Feel free to forward this email to your friends so they can enjoy it too. The more people we reach, the greater community of like-minded people we build. This is your chance to be part of all that. Thank you.

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Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.

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DEAR MISS MINGO:

My friend and I are having an argument, and we were hoping you could settle this for us. If I win, she owes me a beer. If she wins, I owe her a gin and tonic. First off, the bet is inherently unfair since G&Ts cost more. So, I guess no matter how you rule, I’m the dummy here. But here’s the question:

Who is—how to put this delicately—the dimmer bulb in the chandelier? Sarah Palin or Kristi Noem?

Betting in Bradenton

Dear Betting:

I’m going to narrow my answer to your question since I do not believe there are any available IQ test scores for either of them. But best I can tell, neither is a member of Mensa, the high IQ society.

Palin attended multiple institutions over five or six years after high school, including Hawaii Pacific University, North Idaho College, and Matanuska-Susitna College in Alaska, before finishing her bachelor’s degree at the University of Idaho.

Noem began her congressional career while she was still a student, finally getting her bachelor’s degree at South Dakota State University in 2012.

So, both are college grads. We’ll call that a tie.

I won’t beat to death all the stupid things both of them have said. Really, there isn’t time in a normal human lifespan for that. I’ll call that a draw, too, because that category would be entirely subjective.

But here’s an objective measurement:

During her term as governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin executed zero people. Of course, that record was helped by the fact that Alaska doesn’t have the death penalty. But she also didn’t order armed thugs into the streets of her state resulting in needless deaths, either.

Noem’s federal agents whom she has dispatched around the country wreaking havoc, have, so far, been involved in at least 30 shooting incidents that have resulted in at least eight deaths. In addition to that, 53 people have died while in custody.

So, while I can’t actually answer who may be the dullest knife in the drawer, it is clear that between them, Noem certainly has more blood on her hands.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

We watched the interview of Trump by Katie Pavlich to see what all the hoopla was about. All I have to say is Barbara Walters must have been turning over in her grave. It seems that News Nation hired Pavlich to help bring in more MAGA types into their so-called fair and even broadcasting scenario. Evidently … they needed to bring in an on-air reporter that meets (Trump’s) female “type” so she can help him answer her questions. What do you think?

Fred and Kris

Dear Fred and Kris:

I hadn’t seen the interview you referred to until you wrote, so I found it on YouTube. I watched as much as I could stomach, then headed over to the Green Parrot for a drink to clear my mind.

I don’t begrudge News Nation or Fox or any other TV network for hiring attractive people. It’s a visual medium, after all, and I can tell you that most of the pretty people in J-schools gravitate to TV.

That doesn’t make them stupid. I, like most ink-stained wretches of my generation, spent much of my career dissing the blow-dried airheads of TV. Until I was asked to do a nightly stand-up in the newsroom for a local station and I realized it was harder than it looks.

But I will say, too, that being pretty doesn’t make you any smarter, either—or more moral or objective—and watching this interview made me want to barf. This is not “news for all Americans.” It’s not even journalism. It’s blatant propaganda for MAGA idiots.

Yeah, Barbara Walters would be spinning in her grave. But Joseph Goebbels would dig it.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I was wondering what might happen if everyday citizens were to have a moratorium on protesting against the presence of icemen and start donning ice costumes so as to roam the streets more anonymously and perhaps then more safely?

What do you think?

Diane

Dear Diane:

So, cosplay as an ICE agent?

I mean, that’s a creative idea. Kudos to you for your imagination. But I would think it might carry some risks.

One thing I’ve noticed, ICE agents don’t seem to travel alone. They are pack animals and behave like it. I would fear the more you camo-ed up, the more they might recognize you as a potential threat. And, as we have seen, that can make you unalive.

There’s another No Kings rally planned nationwide in March. Maybe do that instead. Carry a sign, not body armor.

And isn’t it a shame that we are having to endure this right now, seeing Americans being gunned down by other Americans in fatigues and helmets and masks?

Some days there just isn’t much to laugh at, it seems.

It’s enough to drive a woman to drink. And I think I will now have another.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Before you leave, if your drink happens to be a Bloody Mary with, say, celery, and you don’t like the celery and spit it out and, maybe, say something derogatory about it, is it true that Florida’s Veggie Libel Law would allow the bartender to sue you? Are you worried?

Dumbfounded in Dunedin

Dear Dumbfounded:

As you know, our esteemed state solons (that’s a very old-fashioned word meaning legislators, but I love the alliteration) are even as we correspond beefing up the state’s ability to make dissing agricultural products a hate crime. (See Florida Legislature may expand its Veggie Libel Law.)

That said, I’m on pretty good terms with the barkeeps here in the Conch Republic, so I don’t carrot all.

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

ASK MISS MINGO

Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

Coming Soon: Miss Mingo Merch

You asked for it. You got it! The Miss Mingo merch store will be opening very soon with tee shirts, coffee mugs and maybe some other stuff. Watch this space.

More online

Thank you for reading today’s Miss Mingo column. You can catch up with previous installments and our weekday newsletter at the Tropic Press website where you will also find occasional guest commentaries, and information about The Strange Files series of mysterious adventures and other books.

Tropic Press Online

Thanks to our sponsor

Today’s report is brought to you by Tropic Press Books, home of The Strange Files. Interested in sponsoring these reports? Contact: Advertising@Tropic.Press

Advertising at Tropic Press

It’s good to share

Tropic Press is a reader-supported publication. Here’s a big shout-out to all our loyal subscribers. Feel free to forward this email to your friends so they can enjoy it too. The more people we reach, the greater community of like-minded people we build. This is your chance to be part of all that. Thank you.

Share

Subscribe now

Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.

Subscribe now

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I was struck by a Tropic Press meme depicting the Trump Trophy Drop-Off Center. It occurred to me that, in fact, it might be a useful protest if people would dig out trophies, medals, or other “awards” that are simply gathering dust or are hidden away in a closet and mail them to Mr. Trump. Would there be a problem with that?

Sincerely,

William

Dear William:

I have shortened your question and withheld your last name lest the White House sic its goons upon you.

You were, of course, referring to this meme that made fun of Trump’s sick obsession with the Nobel Peace Prize and how he covets it.

He’s also infamous for harvesting trophies at his various golf clubs by sweeping all the in-house tournaments, and how he once decorated those clubs with fake Time magazines with his mug plastered on the covers. Like this:

If you think about it, it’s surprising he had room for all those classified documents he hid in his ballroom and bathroom at Mar-a-Lago, what with the storage demands for his many fabulous trophies.

I can’t even imagine how he would have had room for the Nobel Peace Prize even if he had done anything worthy of the honor.

But back to your question: Would he like your kid’s soccer trophy, too? You bet.

Should you organize some kind of protest centered around encouraging people to pack the White House mailroom with this junk?

Let me be clear in my answer to this question: First off, I am not an attorney. Were I a lawyer, I’d be busy writing unintelligible briefs in Century Schoolbook font, not these lucid and illuminating examples of American journalism at its finest.

But I believe that any officer of the court would advise you against doing this.

My cursory reading of the law as regards to what may or may not be mailed to the President of the United States is that it is a very quick way to get into trouble, especially if the mailed items could be in even the slightest way be deemed a threat.

Moreover, any effort designed to disrupt the delivery of mail to any government building, including the White House, could be a crime.

So, no, my advice is to drop it.

And remember, ICE agents are out there right now filming protestors and anyone with a cell phone taking their pictures. They’re building a database of possible “domestic terrorists.” This is no time to land on that list with (admittedly a funny and very clever) prank.

On the other hand, were you to set up a trophy collection center apart from the White House—say, somewhere in Palm Beach County, Florida—and invite people to contribute their old trophies for reuse by the very needy, I don’t see what harm there would be in that.

Might be fun to stake it out and see if a certain public official showed up in disguise to scoop them up and run off with them.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Trump has gained enough weight to make him technically transformed, so I think, re your column last week, that he should have his own Transformer name. I liked the ones you suggested, but I have another suggestion:

MAGAdon.

Respectfully,

Joan in Jacksonville

Dear Joan:

OK, I think we have a winner. Thank you.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I see that Gov. Ron DeSantis is having some trouble with disgruntled troops in his private Florida Guard army. Which I think begs the question: Why does the governor need his own private goons?

Curious in Clewiston

Dear Curious:

It’s just one of those trendy things. Trump got his private storm troopers, also known as ICE, and now other Republicans are jealous.

Think of it like a lot of other passing fads, you know, like goldfish swallowing, Volkswagen stuffing, and white go-go boots.

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

ASK MISS MINGO

Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

Coming Soon: Miss Mingo Merch

You asked for it. You got it! The Miss Mingo merch store will be opening soon with tee shirts, coffee mugs and maybe some other stuff. It’s still in development, but watch this space for an exciting announcement any day now. Or maybe any week now. Sometime soon, anyway.

More online

Thank you for reading today’s Miss Mingo column. You can catch up with previous installments and our weekday newsletter at the Tropic Press website where you will also find occasional guest commentaries, and information about The Strange Files series of mysterious adventures and other books.

Tropic Press Online

Thanks to our sponsor

Today’s report is brought to you by Tropic Press Books, home of The Strange Files. Interested in sponsoring these reports? Contact: Advertising@Tropic.Press

Advertising at Tropic Press

It’s good to share

Tropic Press is a reader-supported publication. Here’s a big shout-out to all our loyal subscribers. Feel free to forward this email to your friends so they can enjoy it too. The more people we reach, the greater community of like-minded people we build. This is your chance to be part of all that. Thank you.

Share

Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.

Subscribe now

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I recently read that Gov. Ron DeSantis’ press creature called him “the most transformative leader in the state’s history.” I’m sure he got paid a lot of money to say that, but it does raise an important question. Were DeSantis an actual Transformer—you know, the ones from those popular movies—which one would he be?

Cinematic in Clearwater

Dear Cinematic:

So, yeah, if Ronnie were to star in a Transformer movie who would he be? And we might as well ask why, to boot. And speaking of footwear, here’s my nomination for his Transformer name:

Megatronus Go-Go Boots

As fans know, Megatronus Prime was among the most evil of the Transformers, power hungry and not especially fashion forward.

Let’s see what “transformations” Ronnie has visited upon the Sunshine State to warrant his own “transformative” role. His resume includes:

• Popularizing Florida as home of the Don’t Say Gay law.

• Ridding the state of colorful, rainbow crosswalks.

• Flying immigrants from Texas to Martha’s Vineyard at Florida taxpayers’ expense.

• Campaigning against his own constituents by rerouting taxpayers’ dollars into political ads opposing women’s reproductive rights and recreational cannabis.

• Working to make children and the general public more disease-prone by arguing against vaccine mandates.

• Naming his Everglades gulag Alligator Alcatraz.

• Helping to make the Free State of Florida No. 1 in the country for book banning.

• Insisting that the Gulf of Mexico be called the Gulf of America just to kiss up to Donald Trump.

• For wearing elevator heels.

• For coining the phrase “Free State of Florida” then not living up to it.

I could go on.

But I do have to confess, I actually like his go-go boots. For me, not him.

Oh, wait, I forgot what buds DeSantis and Trump are. Maybe instead of Megatronus, he should be MAGAtronus!

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Do you really think Donald Trump plans to invade Greenland? And if it becomes the 51st state, won’t Canada be jealous?

Dave and Matt in Bonita Springs

Dear Dave and Matt:

That is an important question that the mainstream media has failed to cover, so thank you for asking it and for giving me a chance to weigh in.

It is a terrible thing to be jilted.

There Canada was, sitting politely at the bar, her best dress on, waiting for her date with Donald, and the next thing you know he’s flirting with another country across the room.

In fact, it’s her neighbor, the hussy. And she’s not even wearing high heels. She’s got white go-go boots on. What’s with these go-go boots? Does everybody still think it’s 1960?

Yes. Canada is upset. Nobody likes to be stood up. And she’s getting even. Who needs Trump when Xi Jinping is right there waiting to ask her out?

Xi would never jilt Canada for Greenland. Sure, it will be a long-distance relationship, but at least he’s a stand-up guy. His country does what it says it will do. For instance, China said it would build a wall, and they built a great wall. Not like that loser from Mara-a-Lago.

Nope, Trump had his chance and he blew it.

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

ASK MISS MINGO

Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

More online

Thank you for reading today’s Miss Mingo column. You can catch up with previous installments and our weekday newsletter at the Tropic Press website where you will also find occasional guest commentaries, and information about The Strange Files series of mysterious adventures and other books.

Tropic Press Online

Thanks to our sponsor

Today’s report is brought to you by Tropic Press Books, home of The Strange Files. Interested in sponsoring these reports? Contact: Advertising@Tropic.Press

Advertising at Tropic Press

It’s good to share

Tropic Press is a reader-supported publication. Here’s a big shout-out to all our loyal subscribers. Feel free to forward this email to your friends so they can enjoy it too. The more people we reach, the greater community of like-minded people we build. This is your chance to be part of all that. Thank you.

Share