ASK THE BIRD: Can I use my Wi-Fi name to insult the 'moron' running for governor?

Got a question about life, the multiverse or current events? Ask Miss Mingo. She's got answers. She writes every Saturday for Tropic Press.

Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West. At least that’s what her official biography says, if you can believe that. She answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I need a ruling on decorum because I’ve run out of dignified options.

This state is about to elect a governor whose main qualifications are a Trump post, a war chest north of $80 million, and a primary lead so wide his opponents are now suing each other over who actually lives in Florida. I did the polite things. I wrote strongly worded posts. I refreshed the polls hoping they’d apologize. I sighed. None of it took.

So, I have questions about what a lady may and may not do.

Is it acceptable to rename my home Wi-Fi network “Byron Donalds Is a Moron”? It’s concise, it’s my honest assessment, and it helps educate the children around me. Or is broadcasting one’s politics to the neighborhood considered gauche?

Related: My dogs have a “dump zone” at the local MAGA neighbor’s lawn. I have not encouraged this. I have also not stopped it. Where does etiquette land on beagles expressing themselves on a campaign sign?

And the real question — is there any graceful posture left between “resigned” and “relocating somewhere with fewer alligators and better outcomes”? Or do I just sigh at dinner and accept my fate?

Despairing in Palm Harbor

Dear Despairing:

So many important questions. Let me tackle them one-by-one.

As for how you name your Wi-Fi network, the First Amendment gives you broad latitude for self-expression, and generally—and especially when dealing with public figures—you can name your network what you please so long as you are not slipping into defamation.

For instance, calling a politician a “moron” is fair game, if redundant. People running for office put themselves out there for evaluation, and if you think the congressperson from Southwest Florida is an idiot, you are free to say so.

Saying the same thing about a private person, however, could be a cause for legal difficulties, especially if it were untrue. Also, saying something untruthful and damaging even about a public figure could also get you in trouble.

Calling a politician a “moron,” though, is clearly in bounds. Calling a politician—just to make something up—”a lying, cheating, bankrupting, hateful, sexual abuser and felon” might be too much unless you’re talking about the president.

I must say, using your Wi-Fi network’s name to broadcast a political message is the cleverest bit of marketing I’ve heard of in a long time. Well played.

As for your dogs’ bathroom habits. Generally speaking, when puppies poo, it is good manners (and, in some localities, a health-code requirement) to pick up after them. As for tinkling on campaign signs, however, that’s perfectly fine, and that’s what your neighbor gets for littering his lawn.

Finally, do not resign yourself to the status quo. Today’s reality is tomorrow’s ancient history. Make a difference. Change history. Vote. Talk to your neighbors, no matter how ignorant. Never give in.

Besides, wouldn’t it be dull living someplace where when you walk out your front door you never know if you’ll be attacked by a gator or python or Florida Man?

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Will Turner tells me—and it’s in your official biography on the Tropic Press website, too—that you are actually the creation of an author’s imagination. How does that work? And how do any of us know if we are real or just imaginary?

Capt. J. Sparrow

Dear Captain:

I just love existential questions.

We are all as real as we think we are. We think, therefore we are. Well, at least that used to be the standard. Now with AI, I’m unsettled about all that.

As for your own reality, yes, you are real. Because we need you to be real. We need heroes even if some people think they are scoundrels. We each need our own Black Pearl, maybe not an actual ship, but a place where we can feel free and boundless. Yes, Captain, you are necessarily real. You and Sherlock and Frodo and Katniss and Leia and Robin—all heroes I need to be part of my life. So you are, too.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Didn’t the author Robert Heinlein write about that question you just answered?

Neil in New York

Dear Neil:

Yes. As most people know, Heinlein, with the help of a group of brilliant scientists, invented a convertible that could travel through space, time and parallel dimensions, as recounted in his scientific journal The Number of the Beast.

In so doing, Heinlein and his friends discovered that some universes were actually created as the result of the collective imaginations of writers, and in those worlds, the characters become real. Who is to say that’s not the universe we live in?

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Me. And have you been drinking again?

The Real Neil deGrasse Tyson

Dear Real Neil:

Um. Maybe.

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or multi-dimensional realities? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

Want to know more about Miss Mingo? How she got her start? And whether she really lives with two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and a pet iguana named Skippy? You can find her official biography, such as it is, here. If you’re bar hopping on Duval Street in Key West and spot an intriguing woman in a pink hat that you suspect might be Miss Mingo, you can always offer to buy her a Cuba Libre. Will it actually be her? Is there an actual her? Life’s a mystery.

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