ASK THE BIRD: Can you flee to the Florida Keys and never pay taxes again? Do you need a passport? What if you get caught?

Got a question? Ask Miss Mingo. She's got answers. Some my be true.

Editor’s Note: Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, is a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about the news, life, the universe, and the best happy hour prices.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Is it true you can be a citizen of Key West and not pay income taxes?

Tax Dodging in Doral

Dear Dodging:

Yes, it is true you can be a citizen of Key West and not pay income taxes. But there’s a catch.

The fact is, you can actually be a citizen of any place in the United States and not pay federal income taxes. Hundreds of people do it every year, but they end up convicted of tax fraud or tax evasion.

But I’m assuming what you meant to ask is whether Key West is a tax-free zone.

It’s complicated. If you assume that Key West is part of Florida, there’s good news and bad news.

The good news is that Florida does not have a state income tax.

However, last I heard, there was a little dust-up in the 1860s that settled the question of whether Florida was part of the United States, and Florida lost.

So, as it happens, Florida residents, including those living in the Keys, have to pay federal income taxes like everyone else or they may end up in a Club Fed somewhere, maybe even in an adjoining suite to Ghislaine Maxwell. Maybe they’ll join her at puppy therapy or her yoga class.

But you could be thinking about The Conch Republic, right?

The Conch Republic was formed on April 23, 1982, when Key West (not all of the Florida Keys, mind you) seceded from the United States in response to a Border Patrol blockade on U.S. 1, which links the Keys to the mainland of Florida.

It caused a 19-mile traffic jam that threatened the local tourism businesses. This prompted the mayor to declare war, leading to a brief skirmish with the U.S. Navy involving water balloons, conch fritters and stale bread.

The true history of The Great Key West War of Independence has been stricken from Florida’s history books by Mothers Against Telling Kids the Truth About Anything. The totally fake history that’s taught in schools now is that Key West surrendered.

Not so. A state of war still exists.

So, technically, you can declare yourself a citizen of the Conch Republic (this requires an initiation ritual involving spanking and martinis) and withhold your taxes in protest.

But you can still be sent to that suite next door to Ghislaine.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

So, when the Tropic Press editor, J.C. Bruce, says he holds dual citizenship in the United States of America and Florida, he’s confused, right?

Just Checking in Juno Beach

Dear Just:

No. It is true that he is confused about many things, including how much he should be paying me. But the truth is you can be a citizen of the United States and also a citizen of an individual state. In fact, most people are. You can also be a citizen of the Conch Republic, too, if you like. We even have our own passports.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I wrote to you a couple of weeks ago hoping you’d answer my question, but I never heard back. What gives?

Disappointed in Delray Beach

Dear Disappointed:

I have a semi-confession. The other night at Irish Kevin’s, somebody—I’m not naming names—knocked a Cuba Libre over on my keyboard (I usually write my columns there or at the Green Parrot) and I lost a bunch of material including several questions from readers when my laptop shorted out.

If anyone out there in readerland has written and not gotten a response, please send your question my way again and I’ll try harder to protect my computer from spilled drinks.

My apologies.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Not naming names, huh? Why don’t you admit it and make it a full confession? You fell off a barstool, right?

Judgemental in Jacksonville

Dear Judgemental:

Let’s clear this up first: There’s no “e” in judgmental. Now that we’ve settled that, really, truly, this time it wasn’t my fault. I’m not saying I’ve never fallen off a barstool. I mean, who hasn’t? Gravity can be so darned tricky. But this time my friend—let’s just call him Ted (a fellow Substack columnist here in the Keys)—was telling a story and his elbow smacked right into my glass. An accident, I swear, and not once did I hit the floor. This time.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Wait. When you filed your expense report you never said anything about spilled drinks. You just said your computer died. What? You want us to pick up your bar tab too?

Kacey in Accounting

Dear Kacey:

Don’t believe everything you read. Especially here.

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Oh, my gosh, guess what, dear readers? I just recovered two of those missing letters. Here they are:

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DEAR MISS MINGO:

The other day when The Big Idiot was addressing all the senior officers from around the world, I thought I heard something playing in the background as he was making his way to the podium. Usually they play Hail to The Chief. I could have sworn that I heard How Great Thou Art being played by a brass band. My mental state was totally confused. Does The Big Idiot now consider himself God? If so that would make the Vice Idiot Jesus. Who would have ever thought that a hillbilly back woods inbreed could ever be considered Jesus. I am totally confused. I know they both think they can perform miracles and walk on water. Please clarify this for me.

Vegas H. O’rmone

Dear Vegas:

Walk on water, maybe, with inflatable Crocs. Win the Nobel Peace Prize? Not so fast. Hahahahahaha.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

How many Antifa Organizations could a JTTF chuck, if there were any such organizations sufficiently organized to be chucked?

Puzzled from Punta Gorda (now escaped to Austria)

Dear Puzzled:

For those just coming out of hibernation, you are referring to the Orange Trouser Stain’s executive order declaring Antifa a terrorist organization set on overthrowing the government, and, although he didn’t say so, I presume they would model that assault on the January 6 insurrection that His Roundness instigated. Takes one to know one, and all that.

The problem, as pointed out on this site earlier in the week, is that no less than the ultra-conservative Cato Institute calls this “idiotic” since Antifa is not an organization but an ideology. Much like the Tea Party.

So, how could the Joint Terrorism Task Force launch an assault on an idea? Great question. It is, on the face of it, moronic, but that’s never stopped our Dear Leader before.

It’s enough to drive a girl to drink.

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ASK THE BIRD

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About news, life, the universe or the square root of pi? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

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Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

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More online

Thank you for reading today’s Miss Mingo column. You can catch up with previous installments and our weekday newsletter at the Tropic Press website where you will also find copies of the Monthly Memo, occasional guest commentaries, and information about The Strange Files series of mysterious adventures and other books.

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