ASK THE BIRD: Do you think the president might change his mind if we named it Trump Wind?
Got a question about life, the universe or current events? Ask Miss Mingo. She's got answers. She writes every Saturday for Tropic Press.
Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West. At least that’s what her official biography says, if you can believe that. She answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
As someone who supports all things democratic – you know, activities that are related to protecting our democracy – and also someone who is deeply concerned about the environment, I understand that these are not necessarily acceptable under the current administration in Washington.
However, I have relatives who live in the Chicago and Buffalo areas, and I am concerned about the wildfires in Canada and their impact on the air quality in these two cities amongst others.
I was going to strongly encourage Mr. Trump (alas it is difficult to refer to him as President when he is so unpresidential) to abandon his plan to impose tariffs on Canada, and instead to fund the construction of wind farms along the US/Canadian border to blow the smoke from those wildfires back into Canada.
However, I remembered that Mr. Trump doesn’t like wind farms.
Therefore, an alternative that might intrigue him would be to install giant gold fans (instead). It could be called Trump Wind!
Do you think this will work?
Pat
Dear Pat:
It’s certainly true that Trump has made it very clear that he does not like windmills of any sort.
It started when those pesky Scots constructed wind turbines offshore from one of his golf courses, and he objected to them ruining the ambience of his links.
Appearances are very important to Trump. Witness how impeccably he dresses with his vast selection of red ties, and how carefully he applies his hand makeup, glues down his combover, and maintains his amazing orange tan.
He’s a disaster as a leader, but he knows about show business and looking the part, and for him it’s always just an act. He should have stuck with filming The Apprentice; it was perfect for him. He could pretend he knew what he was doing, bask in the limelight, and never have any real responsibility.
But I digress.
I really think you are onto something about those gold fans. He has this Midas-like obsession. Not so sure about blowing wind back to Canada, but maybe if the Acme Wind Farm Co. came up with a line of gigantic gold-plated fans, he’d go for it.
Especially if it was named after him. Good call! He’s already plastered his name on everything else, why not the atmosphere?
I’ll bet he’d immediately forget about how windmills cause cancer, how they’re responsible for the diarrhea epidemic, and most likely his low poll numbers, too. Flattery will get you anywhere with that narcissist.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
I read in the newspaper that the U.S. House of Representatives has voted to end the war in Iran, but that the Senate won’t go along with that idea. Why not?
Puzzled in Pinellas Park
Dear Puzzled:
Republicans control both the House and the Senate. In the House, a small handful of Republicans jumped ship and joined with the Democrats in opposition to the undeclared—and, in my opinion, illegal—war.
There are not enough votes in the Senate, however, where Trump has done an effective job of threatening Republicans with the end of their political lives if they don’t toe the line.
Many of those Republicans are in desperate need of spine replacements or plexiotomies.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
I get the reference to spine replacements, as in, they are spineless, but what the heck is a plexiotomy? I couldn’t find it anywhere on Google.
You Can Call Me Gray
Dear Gray:
Cute. As in Gray’s Anatomy? Or is it a typo and you’re really Gary? Whatever. A plexiotomy is a surgical procedure in which a sheet of Plexiglass is used to replace the skin and musculature of the abdomen.
It allows people who are walking around with their heads up their derrieres to see where they’re going.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
Okay, that was funny. Did you just make that up?
Curious in Clearwater
Dear Curious:
No. It’s an old joke. Speaking of old jokes, have you heard this one:
Q: Do you know what the secret is for senior citizens to have a smoking hot body?
A: Cremation.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
Isn’t that ageism?
Woke in Wauchula
Dear Woke:
You are, of course, politically correct. My apologies. I really don’t know what gets into me sometimes. I’m thinking maybe I need a vacay.
In fact, now that this has come up, I believe I will do just that. I’ve got a couple weeks’ worth of paid leave accumulated. I’m outta here until August 15.
Send me your questions, so I have something to come back to. See you then!
Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or multi-dimensional realities? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press. She’ll be back in action on August 15.
Want to know more about Miss Mingo? How she got her start? And whether she really lives with two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and a pet iguana named Skippy? You can find her official biography, such as it is, here. If you’re bar hopping on Duval Street in Key West and spot an intriguing woman in a pink hat that you suspect might be Miss Mingo, you can always offer to buy her a Cuba Libre. Will it actually be her? Is there an actual her? Life’s a mystery.
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I know he's been accused of audibly farting in public but "Trump Wind", now that's a scary thought.