ASK THE BIRD: How big a 'savings' was Alligator Alcatraz? And will we be moving buffalo there?

Got a question? Ask Miss Mingo. She's got answers, some of which she's actually researched. Some not. She writes every Saturday for Tropic Press.

Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. If we get enough paid subscribers, we may actually start reimbursing her for her efforts.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Gov. Ron D. Santis says Alligator Alcatraz was a great savings for taxpayers, even though it seems to have been a total boondoggle with the Trump regime saying it costs too much and is ineffective, which is why it is being shut down after less than a year of operation.

Who’s telling the truth?

Concerned in Cedar Key

Dear Concerned:

Ferreting out the truth is challenging given how secretive the DeSantis government has been throughout this shameful experience.

And I would caution you, dear readers, that the three things you should never ask me to do are add and subtract.

That said, here are the numbers I am looking at:

It cost about $600 million to construct the Everglades concentration camp, and news reports repeatedly say it operates on a more than a million-dollar-a-day budget. If it is shut down by the end of this month, it will have only been operational for 11 months.

Add all that up, and you have a sunk cost of about $1 billion. Yes, that’s billion with a B. And that does not include the cost of dismantling it, assuming DeSantis does not leave this mess to continue polluting the environment.

During its brief and disgraceful run, the best estimate I can find is that about 20,000 prisoners were run through the facility.

Which comes to about $50,000 a prisoner.

Compare that to the federal government’s daily reimbursement rate of about $88 per inmate.

Even if you cut the cost in half and factor in what expenses would have been if these detainees had been held elsewhere, it sure looks like there is no way on God’s green Earth that this can be justified as a taxpayer savings.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

You may have heard that Trump signed an executive order to remove all bison from federal lands. With all his other interests, I have no idea why he interrupted his golf games for that. Also, where will they be placed?

I’ve not been able to confirm the rumor that he plans to rename the San Andreas fault the Joe Biden fault. Could you please confirm or deny that rumor?

Curious in Sarasota

Dear Curious:

I wish I had read your letter before answering the previous question, and I am loath to go back and redo my work as I am not paid by the hour (in fact, I can’t recall ever getting paid by this outfit at all).

So, assuming your question was in jest, I was just going to be snarky and suggest the buffalo be relocated to Alligator Alcatraz and that the detention center could be renamed the Bison Brig.

But then I peeked on the internet and — HOLY BOVINE! — you weren’t kidding. The Bureau of Land Management is actually relocating 900 to 950 bison from federal lands in Montana.

Why?

To make room for cattle ranchers and their herds.

Mind blown!

Just when we think there is nothing more outrageously stupid the Trump cabal could do to shoot themselves in the foot, they pull this stunt? Like they need more votes from Montana, a state with less than a third of one percent of the nation’s population?

So, you appease a couple of cattle barons and enrage the rest of the country, which, you know, thinks buffalo are cool?

Well, at the rate Trump chokes down cheeseburgers, maybe he figures he’s got to keep the cattle numbers up. But I gotta say this is so mind-numbingly idiotic it’s enough to drive a bird to drink.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

You didn’t actually answer the second part of my question.

Curious in Sarasota (again)

Dear Curious:

Oh, good catch. Is Trump renaming the San Andreas Fault the Joe Biden Fault?

Yes.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

In an internet video of the shooting at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner that even you might have overlooked, a Secret Service agent is heard to call out, “Donald, duck.” Disney Enterprises, Inc. claims that the posting of this video violates its copyright that protects the creative expression, “Donald Duck.” Disney has filed suit against the Trump administration asking that all videos using this expression be either muted or removed from the internet and seeking punitive damages. The Department of Justice has not responded to a request for reaction to this suit. However, a spokesperson who is not authorized to comment said that in the verbal use of this expression, an implied comma and lower case “d” in “duck” mean that the phrase is different from the Disney phrase. The spokesperson asserts that the suit has no merit but is it just the filing of a quack lawyer. Miss Mingo, what say you?

William

Dear William:

Sounds like a Mickey Mouse lawsuit to me.

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Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

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