ASK THE BIRD: If Ron DeSantis were a real Transformer, who would he be?

Got a question? Ask Miss Mingo. She's got answers. Some may even be true. She writes every Saturday for Tropic Press.

Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I recently read that Gov. Ron DeSantis’ press creature called him “the most transformative leader in the state’s history.” I’m sure he got paid a lot of money to say that, but it does raise an important question. Were DeSantis an actual Transformer—you know, the ones from those popular movies—which one would he be?

Cinematic in Clearwater

Dear Cinematic:

So, yeah, if Ronnie were to star in a Transformer movie who would he be? And we might as well ask why, to boot. And speaking of footwear, here’s my nomination for his Transformer name:

Megatronus Go-Go Boots

As fans know, Megatronus Prime was among the most evil of the Transformers, power hungry and not especially fashion forward.

Let’s see what “transformations” Ronnie has visited upon the Sunshine State to warrant his own “transformative” role. His resume includes:

• Popularizing Florida as home of the Don’t Say Gay law.

• Ridding the state of colorful, rainbow crosswalks.

• Flying immigrants from Texas to Martha’s Vineyard at Florida taxpayers’ expense.

• Campaigning against his own constituents by rerouting taxpayers’ dollars into political ads opposing women’s reproductive rights and recreational cannabis.

• Working to make children and the general public more disease-prone by arguing against vaccine mandates.

• Naming his Everglades gulag Alligator Alcatraz.

• Helping to make the Free State of Florida No. 1 in the country for book banning.

• Insisting that the Gulf of Mexico be called the Gulf of America just to kiss up to Donald Trump.

• For wearing elevator heels.

• For coining the phrase “Free State of Florida” then not living up to it.

I could go on.

But I do have to confess, I actually like his go-go boots. For me, not him.

Oh, wait, I forgot what buds DeSantis and Trump are. Maybe instead of Megatronus, he should be MAGAtronus!

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Do you really think Donald Trump plans to invade Greenland? And if it becomes the 51st state, won’t Canada be jealous?

Dave and Matt in Bonita Springs

Dear Dave and Matt:

That is an important question that the mainstream media has failed to cover, so thank you for asking it and for giving me a chance to weigh in.

It is a terrible thing to be jilted.

There Canada was, sitting politely at the bar, her best dress on, waiting for her date with Donald, and the next thing you know he’s flirting with another country across the room.

In fact, it’s her neighbor, the hussy. And she’s not even wearing high heels. She’s got white go-go boots on. What’s with these go-go boots? Does everybody still think it’s 1960?

Yes. Canada is upset. Nobody likes to be stood up. And she’s getting even. Who needs Trump when Xi Jinping is right there waiting to ask her out?

Xi would never jilt Canada for Greenland. Sure, it will be a long-distance relationship, but at least he’s a stand-up guy. His country does what it says it will do. For instance, China said it would build a wall, and they built a great wall. Not like that loser from Mara-a-Lago.

Nope, Trump had his chance and he blew it.

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

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Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

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Thank you for reading today’s Miss Mingo column. You can catch up with previous installments and our weekday newsletter at the Tropic Press website where you will also find occasional guest commentaries, and information about The Strange Files series of mysterious adventures and other books.

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