ASK THE BIRD: I'm not ashamed to admit I worship at the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Got a question? Ask Miss Mingo. She's got answers. Some may be true. She writes every Saturday for Tropic Press. Except when she doesn't.

Editor’s Note: Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, is a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. She’s a regular Saturday feature here on Tropic Press, a break from our usual serious news of the day.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I know you don’t usually write about yourself, but with the holidays coming up, I was curious about I rumor I heard that you don’t celebrate Christmas because you are a Pastafarian. True or false?

Devoted in Dunedin

Dear Devoted:

Unlike some of our northerly neighbors in the mainland United States, here in the Conch Republic we are firm believers in religious liberty, and we don’t try to impose our beliefs on anyone else.

We are an island of freedom, and as such have attracted people from many faith traditions—and more than a few with no traditions at all.

For myself, without proselytizing, I am not bashful about declaring that I am, indeed, a member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, commonly called a Pastafarian.

And I do understand that some find the idea of a god composed of noodles a bit odd. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster has none of the tricks that some other deities are famous for, like making wine out of water — which, I have to say, I am totally in favor of, particularly if it is a well-balanced California cabernet.

But to the second part of your question, of course, I celebrate Christmas. Indeed, it is established fact that when Santa is done with his rounds, his last stop is here in Key West. We all gather at the Green Parrot and buy him drinks after all his hard work.

But we do not restrict our holiday festivities to Dec. 25. Many of us also celebrate Festivus. The annual holiday on Dec. 23, where we use a metal pole instead of a Christmas tree, dine on meatloaf, wrestle, and air grievances.

In fact, today starts my annual Festivus countdown, where I mark off the next 10 days on my official Hans Gruber Advent Calendar.

For those who may not be familiar, Hans is the hero in the Consensus Best Christmas Movie of All Time — Die Hard.

It’s the touching romedy about a New York policeman named John who flies to Los Angeles to reunite with his estranged wife, Holly. (Holly! What a great name for a Christmas story, right?)

They reconnect at an office party atop Nakatomi Tower where they meet Hans, have great adventures together, then Hans teaches them how to fly by exiting a tower window.

The advent calendar can be used to count down until the moment Hans lands in the parking lot. You lower Hans one day at a time. I track Dec. 13 to Dec. 23 in honor of Festivus for my personal countdown, but you can also continue on to Dec. 25. It’s versatile.

Here’s a closer look at Hans as he demonstrates his flying technique:

DEAR MISS MINGO:

So, you buy Santa drinks, but what about his reindeer?

Worried in Wauchula

Dear Worried:

Not to worry. We take care of Santa’s team, too. How do you think Rudolph got his red nose?

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Is there any chance you can resurrect the MRI on RFK Jr’s head bone? I’ve got a pretty good idea of what the image will show…

Gator Ray

Dear Gator:

Ah! This is a follow-up to last week’s segment on Donald Trump’s MRI and what doctors discovered when they X-rayed his brain.

Yes, Tropic Press submitted a Freedom of Misinformation request to Robert F. Kennedy Jr., insisting he release his medical records, and, surprisingly, he did.

Here’s the image:

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Well, the primary reason for writing is that my wife (Susan) and I (Pete) want to express our complete love for you and your work! With that said, we are on safari this coming Monday - Thursday, and we will be in search of my new hero- Miss Mingo!

Yes, we are sailing to Key West in search of my hero! Hope to share an adult beverage with you!

Pete & Susan

Dear Pete & Susan:

Thanks for the drinks. Until we meet again. (That was you, right?)

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

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Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

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Thank you for reading today’s Miss Mingo column. You can catch up with previous installments and our weekday newsletter at the Tropic Press website where you will also find occasional guest commentaries and information about The Strange Files series of mysterious adventures and other books.