ASK THE BIRD: Is it legal in Florida to open carry a pistol if you've been vaccinated? Can I sue the federal government if a local drag show is canceled?

Got a question? Ask Miss Mingo. She's got answers. Some may be true.

Editor’s Note: Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, is a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Thanks for the great information about dodging taxes, and the laughs. I am a very confused person, so I have a couple of questions. Can a Floridiot open carry a firearm if that same person has been vaccinated? Can someone open carry a firearm and a beer? And is there a limit to the number of weapons someone can open carry at one time? Can someone open carry a six-shooter and a six-pack of hard lemonade? Can someone open carry a banned book and an AR-15 at the same time, or would they be arrested for reading? So many questions and so little time. Thanks for listening...

MPT, Somewhere in Florida

Dear MPT:

If I’m counting correctly—although math is not my strong suit—I believe that’s a total of five questions, which I will attempt to give my best answers just as soon as I finish drinking this excellent Cuba Libre while I sort through my email here at Irish Kevins.

Okay, here goes:

Yes, you may carry a firearm if you have been vaccinated. However, since flat-Earthers like Robert F. Kennedy Jr. believe vaccinations give you autism, I also asked about that. The answer is, there is no reason a person with autism can’t carry a gun. However, other people who have been “adjudicated mentally defective” or “committed to a mental institution” may not.

There appears to be no clear answer on whether having received Tylenol after circumcision would be a disqualifier either. Just thought I’d check that out, too, while I was at it.

You also ask if someone can carry a firearm and a beer. And you had a related alcohol question: Can you carry a six-shooter and a six-pack of hard lemonade?

The answers to both of these are: Yes, you may openly carry a gun and a beer or a hard lemonade so long as the alcoholic beverages have not been opened and you are not snockered already. It is illegal to carry a gun while drinking—kinda like driving under the influence.

Oddly, while you can openly carry a firearm, you cannot carry an open beer, hard lemonade, shot of tequila or whatever. The state of Florida in its wisdom has concluded that an open alcoholic beverage is more dangerous than a loaded gun.

Is there a limit to the number of firearms you can openly carry at the same time in Florida? Yes, there is. It falls under the Law of Gravity. Guns are heavy. You can only schlep around so much iron. As Clint Eastwood said in Magnum Force: “A man’s gotta know his limitations.”

To your final question: Yes, you can be arrested and sent to Alligator Alcatraz or one of the other alliterative concentration camps in the state if you are caught with a banned book. The AR-15’s fine.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

“Let’s clear this up first: There’s no ‘e’ in judgmental.”???

Confused in Pinellas Park

Dear Confused:

In last week’s column, I received a letter signed by someone calling himself or herself or itself “Judgemental in Jacksonville.” To which I snidely replied just as you say: “There’s no ‘e’ in judgmental.”

Clearly, there is one “e” in judgmental, just not two. There is also only one “s” in Confused. Otherwise, it would be Confussed, which is a simultaneous feeling of confusion and fussiness.

I feel confussed often.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Maybe we should all start a GoFundMe account for our medical insurance premiums.

—Anita Legro

Dear Anita:

Ah! This refers to the tongue-in-cheek suggestion I received in last week’s column that I could start a GoFundMe to pay off my bar tabs, right?

I hear you. Now that I’m “retired” from the newspaper business, but too young for Medicare, I feel your pain. Well, some of that pain I manage to anesthetize on Duval Street, which I’m about to do again as I see the bartender coming this way.

Thanks for writing, and good luck with that. It’s about time somebody figured this out.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

The current administration in our Nation’s Capital has ruined my retirement due to depression, dashed my hopes of humanity by exposing that half of our electorate has no spine (also revealing one helluva medical anomaly), shrank the value of my savings by half with tariffs, and now is threatening to cancel the Christmas drag show at the Saenger theatre.

Can I sue?

Billy Snyder, Pensacola

Dear Billy:

It would be a shame if A Drag Queen Christmas were canceled due to the repressive regime now in power, although it is still on the theater’s calendar. When I went online to research this, I found that the show will also be touring at other locations in Florida, so you might want to check those out, too.

The medical issue you raise is also distressing. I checked, and there are no Spinal Tap tours currently scheduled, not that this has anything to do with the question you raised, other than I found a clever way to use “spine” in my answer.

And, yes, for you picky grammarians out there, I know, I know, there’s no “e” in spinal, either.

As for suing? Yes. Absolutely. You should make it a class action suit, the class in question being all remaining Americans who still have spines. I plan to meet with many of them today at the No Kings Day rally.

Go get ‘em.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

After reading Letters from an American by Healther Cox Richardson, should I come out as Antifa?

Conflicted in Venice

Dear Conflicted:

Coming out is a deeply person choice, so I hesitate to recommend a course of action for you.

However, having come out as Antifa myself, I will tell you that it’s a liberating experience to proudly declare yourself—PUBLICLY—opposed to fascism, to be out of the closet about it. You may find that you’ll feel more comfortable waving the American flag again. You know, like the original members of Antifa who stormed the beaches at Normandy.

Good luck with this, and know that you are not alone.

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Got a question for Miss Mingo? About news, life, the universe or why red tide is sometimes brown or purple? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

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Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

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Thank you for reading today’s Miss Mingo column. You can catch up with previous installments and our weekday newsletter at the Tropic Press website where you will also find copies of the Monthly Memo, occasional guest commentaries, and information about The Strange Files series of mysterious adventures and other books.

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