ASK THE BIRD: Is it true McDonald's may be forced to create a hamburger in Trump's name?
Got a question? Ask Miss Mingo. She's got answers. Some may even be true. She writes every Saturday for Tropic Press.
Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
I am wondering about the rumor that is spreading that Donald J. Trump has directed his Secretary of Health and Human Services, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., to negotiate a menu expansion at his favorite restaurant, McDonald’s. The iconic menu item at the restaurant is currently the “Big Mac” known to consist of “two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame bun.”
Proposals to date have determined that the new item will be eponymously called the “Mac Donald.” Ingredients will be “two all liver patties, orange sauce, wilted lettuce, moldy cheese, and a golden bun embossed with an image of Mr. Trump.” The liver-based Mac Donald is designed to be a cheaper alternative to the Big Mac for those people who cannot afford ground beef. The orange sauce is really excellent in covering the grey tones that can emerge when liver is not cooked properly. The wilted lettuce will be naturally wilted, not wilted through cooking measures, as lettuce past its prime can be purchased cheaply. The moldy cheese will serve as a health benefit serving as an antibiotic and health enhancer that replaces the need for vaccines. There will be no pickles or onions on the Mac Donald as there is no way to ensure that these items have been picked only by documented individuals. The golden brown bun will be toasted on the top using a branding iron with a profile of Mr. Trump.
This sounds like an effort by the president to expand his brand recognition so that he will not have to rely on having his name only on buildings, airports, apparel, skin care products, home goods, pickleball paddles and various other sundries. It would also provide another excuse for nausea in regard to all things Trump.
Is this rumor on the level?
William
Dear William:
I think you and I need to get something straight:
I’m supposed to be the comedian here. When letter writers like you submit questions that are funnier than anything I could possibly come up with, my boss may start wondering: Maybe I should hire this guy and ditch the bird.
I’m having a hard enough time paying my bar tab as it is.
(Just kidding, this is a GREAT question and, besides, I’m not only a protected class, I’m also an endangered species (Journalista americana), so no way would the Tropic Press H.R. Department let me get sacked.)
Now, is there any truth to this? Perhaps asked another way, is it beyond the imagination that Donald Trump would use his power and influence to have yet one more thing named for himself?
No, it is absolutely not beyond our imaginations, is it? After all, you just imagined it. And if we can imagine it, it can happen.
And since we are publishing this out to hundreds of thousands of loyal readers, we can be certain it is now grist for the rumor mill.
Is it on the level? What is these days?
DEAR MISS MINGO:
Speaking of Trump and food, I heard that Dr. Mehmet Oz was on Donald Trump Jr.’s podcast, Triggered, and he said the president has a fondness for orange Fanta, which he jokingly refers to as “freshly squeezed.”
Oz evidently said he was on Air Force One and spotted the soft drink on Trump’s desk and that when he asked His Majesty about the soda, Trump made that “fresh squeezed” quip, presumably as a joke.
Trump also apparently suggested that diet sodas are beneficial because they “kill grass” if spilled, and therefore might “kill cancer cells.”
This raises a question in my mind:
Do diet soft drinks really kill grass, and can I use them instead of commercial weed killers?
Curious in Coral Gables
Dear Curious:
To test this out, I wandered over to my neighbor’s yard and “accidentally” spilled some Diet Coke on his lawn.
I went back the next day and saw no noticeable damage to the grass.
Which is a good thing, because when I returned to the scene of the crime, I noticed for the first time that my neighbor has a pair of cameras pointing to his front yard, and he could have caught me in the act
Lucky break there was no harm done.
Too bad in one sense, though, because wouldn’t it be nice if we had something more effective than cancer-causing weed killers to tend to our gardens?
As for Fanta Orange Zero Sugar’s health benefits, here are the ingredients I found on the never-wrong internet, so you can judge for yourself. I am not a chemist, so for all I know this might be the cure for cancer, Covid, or maybe even armpit fungus.
Carbonated water, critic acid, Aspartame and Acesulfame Potassium, natural orange flavoring, Potassium Benzoate, modified food starch, Glycerol Ester of Rosin, Sucrose Acetate Isobutyrate, medium chain triglycerides, and potassium citrate.
Yum.
I live in Florida (so does the president), so when I have a hankering for orange soda, I just take some fresh orange juice, which, despite citrus greening, is still in plentiful supply, and splash in some club soda.
If the sun is past the yardarm, a dash of Tito’s can give it a nice kick.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
Admit it. You can’t possibly write such brilliant prose if you’re swilling orange juice, club soda, and vodka for lunch. Not even Hemingway could do that!
Skeptical in Sarasota.
Dear Skeptical:
Well, you caught me. I usually skip the club soda.
Just kidding. The truth is, a few snorts and it’s bedtime for me, so I’ve learned to pace myself.
But don’t underestimate Hemingway. He made me look like an amateur. And he died young for it at the tender age of 61. I won’t say I’ve already beaten him in the longevity department, but that’s because a lady never reveals her age.
Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press
Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.
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