ASK THE BIRD: Is it true that Trump is building a throne to be installed in his new ballroom, and is DeSantis renaming Homosassa Springs?
Miss Mingo is here to answer all your questions. Some answers may be true.
Editor’s Note: Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, is a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
Is there a throne in the building plan for the Trump Ballroom or maybe also in the House and Senate chambers?
Marshall Happer
North Venice, FL
Dear Marshall:
I contacted one of my few remaining sources in the administration—she’s on furlough because of the government shutdown—and discovered to my surprise the answer is: Yes!
The matching thrones will be gold plated and encrusted with rare metals from China. They are being hand-crafted in Rome by the Emperor Nero Furniture Co., a time-consuming process that means they will not be ready for delivery to the United States until the beginning of Trump’s third term.
It is unknown if they will be subject to an import tariff, but I am told no taxpayer dollars are involved—the cost (also undisclosed) is being covered by an anonymous Saudi donor. They will be flown to the U.S. aboard Trump’s refurbished Air Force One, also donated—by Qatar.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
Is there any truth to the rumor that Governor Rhonda Saster will move to change the name of Homosassa Springs, Florida, to Heterosassa Springs?
Thanks for your attention!
Jeff
Somewhere in Florida
Dear Jeff:
Here we go again, another of these rumors concocted out of thin air that—now that you’ve started it—will likely come true.
By the way, the name Homosassa, comes from the Muskogee words: “homo,” meaning pepper, and “sasi,” meaning “is there,” which together roughly translate to “the place where the wild pepper grows.”
There is no Muskogee word “hetero.” It is derived from the ancient Greek word meaning “different” or “other” or, possibly, “weird.” So, Heterosassa would translate roughly as either:
A Different Place
The Other Place
Rhonda Saster’s Place
DEAR MISS MINGO:
I used to live in Florida. Went back in September. Got my car repoed. Ended up in a homeless shelter but got kicked out because I questioned the “prison” guard. Got thrown out of a bar because I wasn’t drinking fast enough. Don’t think i will ever go back. It reminded me of visiting East Berlin before the Wall came down.
Best Regards and Peace,
Simon
Dear Simon:
Thanks for reminding me. I’m writing this column sitting at the Green Parrot bar and I just got a dirty look from the bartender. Time for another Cuba Libre.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
If the Eiffel Tower was named for Gustavo Eiffel, and the Chrysler Building was named for Walter Chrysler, and the Washington Monument was named for George Washington, then shouldn’t the body of water formally known as the Gulf of Mexico now be referred to as the Gulf of Vespucci?
Respectfully,
Andrew Bundschuh
Dear Andrew:
Originally, the Gulf of Mexico was named by the Aztecs as Chalchiuhtlicueyecatl (I kid you not) after their deity of the seas. It has since been known by various names by the illegal European immigrants who invaded the Western Hemisphere. Among them:
The Sea of the North
Gulf of Florida
Gulf of Cortes
Gulf of Yucatan
The Great Antillean Gulf
The name Gulf of Mexico first showed up in the year 1550 and it seemed to work just fine for centuries until a pair of hateful Republicans named Trump and DeSantis decided anything Mexican should be locked up in Alligator Alcatraz.
As for naming the gulf for the Italian explorer and self-promoter Amerigo Vespucci, I’ve often wondered why we named the hemisphere after his first name instead of his last name. Think of it: The United States of Vespucciland!
I’m digging the idea of singing Vespucciland the Beautiful. I think after another cocktail I may be ready to head up to the karaoke machine.
Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press
Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.
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