ASK THE BIRD: Is Melania Trump's movie so bad people are downloading Michelle Obama's film to purge their souls?

Got a question? Ask Miss Mingo. She's got answers. Some may even be true. She writes every Saturday for Tropic Press.

Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Is it true that the new movie, Melania, is the worst film ever made? I hear critics calling it nothing more than a propaganda piece, and that watching it was a “living hell,” causing some people to lose their will to live. I also heard it got just a 6 percent Rotten Tomatoes score. Could it really be all that terrible?

Movie Fan in Manatee

Dear Movie:

Here’s what Slate had to say about how narcissistically insipid it is:

Melania Trump’s relative scarcity from her husband’s second term has not gone unnoticed. The first lady had an implicit excuse for her absence though: She’s been busy working on other things, like the documentary she was making, for which Amazon paid her (an insane) $40 million. She couldn’t possibly be expected to serve as first lady in the traditional sense, because she was dedicating all her time to playing the first lady in a movie, a movie that tells the story of a first lady who is bravely making a movie about herself.

All of which has made people long for the good old days when Michelle Obama was the First Lady, which explains why her 2020 Netflix documentary, Becoming, is now enjoying a major resurgence in popularity with a—get this!—13,000 percent increase in viewership so far this month.

Now, I should note that I am not a film critic, but I do have doubts it can be the very worst film ever made. I think that standard was set by Plan 9 From Outer Space by Ed Wood, but I’m willing to be corrected if I’m mistaken.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Since the Constitution contains the “Guarantee of Separation of Church and State,” why is Christmas, a decidedly Christian holiday, a federal holiday?

Don Squire

Dear Don:

Thanks for this question. It arises in response to a story published in Tropic Press last week, the headline of which read:

Florida public schools and religion are increasingly entwined and moving further in that direction.

A few years ago, a federal judge in Ohio—Susan Dlott—was asked the same question in a lawsuit challenging the legitimacy of Christmas as a federal holiday. This was her actual, I kid you not, court ruling, written in verse, which I think you will agree settles the issue:

The court will address

Plaintiff’s seasonal confusion

Erroneously believing Christmas

MERELY a religious intrusion.

Whatever the reason

Constitutional or other

Christmas IS NOT

An act of Big Brother!

Christmas is about joy

And giving and sharing

It is about the child within us

It is mostly about caring!

One is never jailed

For not having a tree

For not going to church

For not spreading glee!

The court will uphold

Seemingly contradictory causes

Decreeing “The establishment” AND “Santa”

Both worthwhile “CLAUS(es)!”

We are all better for Santa

The Easter Bunny too

And maybe the Great Pumpkin

To name just a few!

An extra day off

Is hardly high treason

It may be spent as you wish

Regardless of reason.

The court having read

The lessons of “Lynch”*

Refuses to play

The role of the Grinch!

There is room in this country

And in all our hearts too

For different convictions

And a day off, too!

(”Lynch,” by the way, refers to a 1984 U.S. Supreme Court decision.)

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Uh, that was weird, but since you mentioned the Easter Bunny, what about the other bunny, Bad Bunny, who is doing the Super Bowl halftime show? Is it true that Republicans are boycotting it? And, if so, why?

Bunny Fan in Bradenton

Dear Bunny Fan:

So, a just-released poll from the University of North Florida shows that 89 percent of Democrats and 77 percent of independents say they plan to watch the halftime show. Contrast that with only 40 percent of Republicans.

Why don’t Republicans like Bad Bunny?

Is it because they don’t dig rap? Or they’re boycotting music from “foreign countries” like Puerto Rico? Or maybe, I don’t know, is it because Bad Bunny endorsed Kamala Harris and he thinks Trump sucks? These all could be factors.

But even so, why miss the rest of the halftime show with that great patriotic band Green Day whose hit song, American Idiot, was written just for Trump?

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I read that something like 8,000 green iguanas, stunned into comas by the cold spell, were gathered up in South Florida and hauled off after they fell out of trees there. What happened to them after that?

Ron in Kettering

Dear Ron:

We love all our wildlife here in Florida, and we have a special place in our hearts for invasive species like iguanas, never mind that they spread Salmonella and dig under our foundations. Lots of local critters are playful like that.

So, yes, specially trained iguana transport teams carefully collected the stunned creatures and safely transported them to a handful of designated facilities around the southern part of the state where Florida Iguana Rescue volunteers gently ensured they would continue to sleep peacefully. Forever.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

As a former ink-stained wretch, I was looking for some part-time jobs to keep my skills sharp and I came across this job listing to work for Megyn Kelly. After I stopped laughing at the idea of trying to maintain her “tone,” I wondered what possibly she could offer that would possibly attract anyone with a sound mind? Then I wondered if it was really a ruse to find young people whose blood she can drink to try and keep her Mar-a-Lago face looking like it’s in its late 40’s.

Beware the job listings, I guess.

Petrified in Pinellas

Dear Petrified:

Thanks for the warning!

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Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

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Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

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Coming Soon: Miss Mingo Merch

You asked for it. You got it! The Miss Mingo merch store has been set up and all we’re waiting for is the arrival of a few shirts and coffee mugs to make sure they meet our exacting standards. Stay tuned.

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More online

Thank you for reading today’s Miss Mingo column. You can catch up with previous installments and our weekday newsletter at the Tropic Press website where you will also find occasional guest commentaries, and information about The Strange Files series of mysterious adventures and other books.

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