ASK THE BIRD: Is there any truth to the rumor that the government will force Rainbow Springs to change its name because it's too woke?
Got a question? Ask Miss Mingo. She's got answers. Some may be true. She writes every Saturday for Tropic Press. Except when she doesn't.
Editor’s Note: Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, is a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
Is there any truth to the rumor — that I guess I’m starting right now — that Gov. Ron DeSantis might consider asking the legislature to rename Rainbow Springs State Park near Dunnellon because of this weird aversion he has to rainbows?
Outraged in Ocala
Dear Outraged:
Here’s the thing about launching rumors and conspiracy theories: They do have to start somewhere, and a letter to an advice columnist is as good a place as any, I suppose, but you’re not supposed to give it away that you’re just making it up.
You should start a rumor by asking the question this way:
“Why is Gov. Ron DeSantis renaming Rainbow Springs State Park?”
See the difference? Assert the rumor as an unassailable fact. It’s a long-accepted tactic of political debate founded on the classic: “When did you stop beating your wife?”
Anyway, to your question:
Yes. It’s true.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
What do you mean, yes it’s true? You gotta back that up with evidence, don’t you?
Frustrated in Fort Meade
Dear Frustrated:
No, I don’t. My column, my rules. But, okay, let’s just look at what we know.
In cities and towns all around the state, crosswalks have been painted with the colors of the rainbow, sometimes in solidarity with the gay-rights movement, sometimes in memory of people slaughtered by hateful homophobes.
Rainbow-colored crosswalks stand out. That’s why they make great memorials—they’re highly visible.
These communities figured since it’s their towns, they could do what they want. Local control being a bedrock principle, once upon a time, of Florida’s political philosophy.
But in the new Free State of Florida, the free part means the governor is free to send goons out to paint over crosswalks because he thinks they are woke. And in the Free State of Florida—home of the most aggressive book banning in the country—woke is bad.
Rainbows are the flagship colors of wokeness, I guess. Although my personal favorite color is flamingo, and I consider myself very woke. How else could I be typing this here at Irish Kevin’s with happy hour far in the rear-view mirror?
Of course, there’s an excuse for why these delightful, colorful crosswalks are reduced to dull black and white stripes of paint.
It’s because they are distracting and thus unsafe.
Despite that the very idea of crosswalks is to make them stand out so drivers can see them and not, you know, run over pedestrians, some of whom may even have voted Republican in the last election.
Given all this, and considering just how petty and mean-spirited all this rainbow desecration has been, is it too much of a stretch to imagine that the governor and his handmaidens in the legislature might be on the lookout for other opportunities to launch rainbow exorcisms?
And it isn’t just Rainbow Springs that could be in the crosshairs.
There’s also the Rainbow River that flows from the springs. There’s West Palm Beach’s RainbowPalooza that supports the Children’s Rainbow Fund. There’s even an RV park in Pinellas County that could be vulnerable—Rainbow Village of Largo.
So, yeah—two key words here in the original question—the governor MIGHT be CONSIDERING all this. That’s certainly not out of the realm of possibility. (Important tip: Anytime you use the words “may” or “might” you can just as easily replace them with “may not” and “might not” because they are all so vague.)
Could it happen?
It would, of course, be a harebrained, mean-spirited, whack-job act of pure spitefulness, but, yeah, in our current political climate, I’m not discounting any possibilities.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
Following last night’s stunning victory of the Toronto Blue Jays over the Dodgers, I fear the Great Pumpkin, who has abandoned all negotiations with Canada, will want retribution. My fear is that when the Blue Jays travel to LA, they will be summarily rounded up by ICE and shipped off to Guatemala, even though one or two of them might be Americans!
Is this a rational fear, or am I just paranoid?
Dreading in Dunedin
Dear Dreading:
The true story can now be told, and you won’t find this in the mainstream media.
You wrote this letter, of course, after the first game of the series and before the Blue Jays flew to California. What most people don’t know is that soon after crossing into American airspace, their flight was intercepted by jet fighters out of Wright Patterson Air Force Base, where they were forced to land and were herded aboard a special ICE transport plane bound for, not Guatemala, but Guantanamo Bay.
However, powerful winds from Hurricane Melissa forced the aircraft to turn around, and, due to understaffing among air traffic controllers because of the Trump government shutdown, the plane was mistakenly rerouted—to Los Angeles.
Where the games carried on and the fans were none the wiser.
No, you are not paranoid. You are prescient for having anticipated this!
And I love using words like prescient because it makes me feel so perspicacious.
And, thank God for spellcheck, because I’m on my third Cuba Libre and without it “perspicacious” would never have come out right.
Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press
Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.
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