ASK THE BIRD: Now what am I supposed to do with all the gunslinger gear I bought?

Got a question? Ask Miss Mingo. She's got answers. Some may even be true. She writes every Saturday for Tropic Press.

Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I am distressed.

I have spent a lot of time and trouble assembling my grocery shopping ensemble so I would fit in with all the open-carry customers at Publix. Now the grocery chain has changed its mind and has posted notices that it would “kindly” prefer customers not show up dressed for gunfights.

All this, after I special-ordered Publix-green Jimmy Choos with matching holster and ammo belt.

Now what am I supposed to do?

Six-Gun from Sarasota

Dear Six-Gun:

I feel your pain. Well, actually, I don’t, but I’m working on how to fake empathy.

Anyway, it’s not a total loss. Just save all your gear for the next St. Patrick’s Day. You’ll fit right in.

One word of caution, though: If you get the hankering for green beer, you’ll have to hang up your pistols before entering a bar in Florida, one of the few places where firearms are outlawed. (Also, courthouses, although judges are more than happy for you to open carry elsewhere, so long as it isn’t near where they work.)

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Seems to me that we must adopt a new term for the recent redistricting action in our state. Gerrymandering doesn’t rise to the level of shameful political vote-stealing the governor engineered. Ronmandering or RonMarauding should be used as the new benchmark for un-American theft of scared voting rights.

William E. “Bill” Thompson

Dear Bill:

Oooooooh. I like that.

And I take your broader point. After all, to the victors belong the spoils in politics, so we expect a certain amount of shenanigans on the part of the party in power when it comes to creating legislative and congressional districts.

But really? This map?

Are you kidding this bird? My assumption is that the only reason there are even four tiny blue dots on this monstrosity is because it was impossible for Ron DeSantis to completely wipe the Democrats off the map—literally.

If he could have, he would have.

Which is why Florida voters, way back in 2010, by a margin of 63 percent, approved the Fair Districts amendments to the state Constitution. The intent of voters was obvious—to prevent just this kind of chicanery.

And just to be clear, while I, myself, do not belong to any political party—I am an impartial journalist, after all—if Democrats tried to pull a malodorous stunt like this, I’d be just as mad at them as I am at the Republicans.

How dare any party spit in the eyes of the voters like this! We are supposed to be a democracy, not a dictatorship. Ronnie may prance around in his elevator boots, but this is the act of a small, cynical man.

Can you tell my feathers are ruffled?

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Since we’re talking about gerrymandering—and since you claim to be fair-minded—isn’t it true that the Democratic Party had a chance to fix the root cause of this in 2024, but actually chose to side with Republicans to keep the political status quo that allows this criminal defiance of the voters’ will to continue?

Perturbed in Pinellas Park

Dear Perturbed:

Fair point.

One of the reasons that Republican legislators felt comfortable approving DeSantis’ atrocious map is because they knew there would be no political fallout that would damage them.

Why?

Because the state’s legislative districts are already so gerrymandered that very few of the 160 House and Senate members ever face any serious opposition from the opposing party.

There was a ballot initiative in 2024 that could have taken steps to fix that. It was called All Voters Vote, and it would have forced both the Republicans and Democrats to open their primary elections to everyone. Current rules mean that people who are not registered to one of the major parties are voiceless in primary elections.

And we’re talking about millions and millions of voters. To be more precise, there are 3.3 million Florida voters with no party affiliation whatsoever and another half million belonging to one of about a dozen minor parties.

All Voters Vote would have opened up primary elections to everyone, which would force Democrats and Republicans to stop catering to just the extremes of their own parties.

But it fell short.

In Florida, for ballot initiatives like this to be enacted, 60 percent of the voters must approve them. It only got 57 percent—a clear majority, to be sure, but just short.

And here’s the kicker—and to your point:

Among those opposing passage of that amendment was the actual Florida Democratic Party, which had everything to gain from it. It’s hard to see how they had anything to lose given what’s just transpired.

So, yeah, when we see where all this leads—to a nearly all-red Ronmandering map—Democrats have a lot to answer for. They had a chance to do SOMETHING, but they did nothing.

Then, again, they’re famous for forming up circular firing squads.

See! I can be critical of everyone.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

On an unrelated note, you took a crack at DeSantis earlier for his “elevator boots.” The only boots I’ve ever noticed him wearing were those Nancy Sinatra knockoffs. You sure about this?

Boot Curious in Bradenton

Dear Boot:

Well, I don’t think anyone actually knows for sure, but there was this Politico article in which a couple of boot experts said they were certain he had lifts in his boots that raise his height by about an inch and a half.

He denies this, of course.

And, yeah, he wears boots all the time. This is the picture you were referring to:

I dig the look, actually. Always loved Gogo boots. Have a pair myself. Mine are, of course, pink.

It’s unclear whether DeSantis wore lifts when this photo was taken, but, hey, I always say: You be you. And if it helps elevate his self-esteem, whatever bloats your float. Or something.

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

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