ASK THE BIRD: Readers write about open carry, Gator Gulags, ratting out neighbors, and Key West as a home for ex-pats
Got a question? Ask Miss Mingo. She's got answers. Some may be accurate.
Editor’s Note: Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, is a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about the news, life, the universe, and the best happy hour prices.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
Thank you for your timely advice last week on how to color coordinate my Crocs with my Colt .45. Not. I showed up at what used to be my favorite department store and was turned away because my sidearm was holstered to my side, where else? I was told that businesses can post “NO FIREARMS” notices. Legally. Even though Florida is now an open-carry state. What’s that about, and why didn’t you warn us?
Frustrated in Fort Lauderdale
Dear Frustrated:
Ooopsie. Yes, it is possible that some merchants may conclude it could dampen shopping enthusiasm to encounter someone bristling with firearms lurking among the Clearance racks.
Which is why Florida law, even though permitting open carry, also has exceptions.
For instance, you can’t carry a gun into the very courthouse where the three-judge panel ruled that the ban on open carry is unconstitutional. Yes, that’s right. These Second Amendment enthusiasts don’t want yahoos with pistols anywhere near them.
You can’t carry guns into police departments or sheriff’s offices, either. Even though plenty of sheriffs (who have to stand for election) were among the first to endorse the court’s decision. “Yes, it’s your right to openly carry that Buntline Special, just don’t do it where I work,” seemed to be the message there. Again.
It’s also illegal to carry guns into bars, airports or government meetings. Our esteemed state legislators—who beat their collective chests about their love for gun rights—do not allow you to pack heat anywhere near them, either.
And you certainly cannot bring guns into schools, although, tragically, we’ve seen how lax enforcement of that law has been.
But remember: Guns don’t kill people. People with guns kill people.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
Florida Attorney General James Uthmeier is creating an online portal reminiscent of what the Germans used during World War II for people to turn in their neighbors if they said something unkind about the Nazi Party or hid Jews in their attics. Isn’t he just channeling Hitler?
Terrified in Treasure Island
Dear Terrified:
No, he’s not channeling the Nazis. Please! The Nazis didn’t have the internet back then, for goodness’ sake.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
Speaking of Uthmeier, isn’t he the guy who named that concentration camp in the Everglades Alligator Alcatraz? Then there was Deportation Depot, then Panhandle Pokey, right? How will he keep these alliterations up when he runs out of synonyms for prisons?
Literate in LaBelle
Dear Literate:
That’s a highly pertinent question. I asked the never-wrong internet how many synonyms there are for the word “prison” and got back 112 suggestions. At the rate the state of Florida keeps building these gulags (Gator Gulag?) we’re going to run out soon. Can’t have too many prisons, can we? What with all these smart-aleck writers and late-night TV hosts needing to be locked up.
A few for your prison-naming starter kit include:
Bastille
Can
Dungeon
Guardhouse
Stockade
Lockup
Calaboose
Joint
Brig
Big House
I’ll leave it to you to pair cities starting with those letters for where the next Alligator Auschwitz should be located.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
I was in Key West last Friday, and I saw a woman wearing a straw hat with a pink band, and on the front of the hat was a flamingo. Was that you?
Excited in Everglades City
Dear Excited:
Depends. Was she svelte, elegant, unarmed, and holding a Cuba Libre at Irish Kevin’s bar? If so, could be.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
I’m interested in leaving the United States, but am undecided on where to ex-pat myself. Is Key West a sanctuary city?
Afraid in Alachua
Dear Afraid:
I believe being a sanctuary city is illegal in Florida. It is frowned upon almost as sternly as childhood vaccinations. However, the Conch Republic, the independent micro-nation where Key West is located, plays by pirate rules, principal of which is that there are no rules, merely guidelines. Final point: You can’t “ex-pat” yourself. Ex-pat is not a verb. Although that, too, is merely a guideline.
ASK THE BIRD
Got a question for Miss Mingo? About news, life, the universe or the square root of pi? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press
Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.
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