ASK THE BIRD: So how can Trump sue himself and the rest of us have to pay for it?

Got a question? Ask Miss Mingo. She's got answers, some of which she's actually researched. Some not. She writes every Saturday for Tropic Press.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you Miss Mingo! You are Florida's Andy Borowitz!”

— Barbara Brownell

Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. If we get enough paid subscribers, we may actually start reimbursing her for her efforts.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I’m curious about this slush fund that Donald Trump has created. If I read news reports correctly, Trump was mad that his tax returns were leaked by the IRS while he, himself, as president was in charge of the IRS. So, now in his second term, he’s suing the agency he ran for its misconduct, and he appointed the acting attorney general, Todd Blanche, who would defend the government against his lawsuit, a guy who used to be Trump’s lawyer, who then folded like a soggy tortilla and said, in essence: “Whatever you say, boss, here’s $1.8 billion and a promise never to audit your taxes again.” This seems a little fishy to me.

Legally Curious in Lakeland

Dear Legally:

Nothing to see here. It’s all on the up-and-up. And with this as precedent, we can now all file lawsuits against ourselves and settle those lawsuits with ourselves, and award ourselves any amount of money we want.

The only difference is that we would have to raid our own bank accounts because, unlike the Orange Trouser Stain, we don’t have the keys to the U.S. Treasury.

If this is allowed to stand, we can expect more of the same. For instance:

Trump could issue tariffs, driving up the cost of everything in the United States, then sue the Treasury Department for enacting illegal tariffs and causing the cost of his imported golf balls to rise.

Trump could deport all of Florida’s undocumented immigrants, then sue ICE because there’s nobody left to cut the grass at Mar-a-Lago.

Trump could launch a war in Iran, which might cause his popularity to sink faster than the Titanic, then sue the Department of War for following illegal orders that hurt his chances of running for an illegal third term so he could continue to grift the American taxpayers.

And so forth.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

First, I love your column. I look forward to it.

Question:

I read about all the redistricting the Republicans are doing, even in our own Free State of Florida. Do you think it’s fair to non-Republicans? Why are Republicans afraid of losing?

Thank you, Miss Mingo. Carry on with your awesome column. And yes, this is an audition in case you want to take a week-long vacation! Just joking!

Scared in Florida (will not disclose my location)

Dear Scared:

There’s nothing wrong with being scared. The fight-or-flight instinct is built into our DNA.

Why are Republicans afraid of losing? For the same reason Democrats fear losing. The question is: What’s the price of winning and is it worth it?

The G.O.P. is no longer the political party of Reagan or Goldwater or even the Bushes. It has become a cult of personality, with only one guiding principle: If you want to keep your phony-baloney elected position you do what the mob boss says. His word—not the Constitution—is law.

So, yeah, we have a lot of Republican officeholders who have sold their souls.

But…

And I know some of you will laugh at me for being naive, but I believe (I have to believe) there are still reasonable people out there, even in the Republican Party, who can see with their own eyes that the emperor has no clothes.

You won’t see me berating Republicans simply because they have been deceived. But I have no love in my heart for members of Congress who have the actual power to stop this madness but, instead, put their own political futures over what’s best for the country.

Liz Cheney and I could not be further apart in our political leanings, but I admire her courage and agreed with her when she said:

“I say this to my Republican colleagues who are defending the indefensible: There will come a day when Donald Trump is gone, but your dishonor will remain.”

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Is my memory failing me, or was last week’s column the first time that you published your priceless works of award-winning American journalism in which there was no representation of yourself in the image that always accompanies your articles?

Artistic in Alachua

Dear Artistic:

Due to a mix-up on the Tropic Press copydesk (editors, despite what we writers may think, are only human) the wrong graphic was used.

This is what you had emailed to you. It’s pretty funny, but it lacks a certain something—namely, me!

This is what the website shows, now that it has been updated with the more recent illustration:

Maybe it’s just me, but I think it is sooooo much better with me in it. Well, obviously, it’s not just me. You noticed, too. Good catch.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I know you prefer to have Florida stuff, but here’s a certified short video you can appreciate. The subject is guardianship for the United States by our friends just north of us.

https://youtube.com/shorts/RaE7X7LBos8?si=bLJNNaL32eHK279y

Ray Sullivan

Dear Ray:

Thanks for the contribution. I’m having a Molson’s in honor of this splendid suggestion.

Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

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