ASK THE BIRD: What should we pack for a dangerous journey through the 'despot' State of Florida?

Miss Mingo answers your questions. Some of her replies might even be true.

Editor’s Note: Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, is a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I always learn a great deal from you. Have you ever considered writing a Florida and other despot nations travel guide? From what I understand, one of the few items that can be legally packed when traveling through the Florida hellscape is a firearm or twelve.

MPT

Dear MPT:

First off, thank you for the kind words. I’m glad you find this column instructive, and I hope it helps you become the best version of yourself. I’ve always viewed life as a continuous improvement project, which is why I haunt so many Key West bars, as they have proven to be intoxicating destinations to contemplate my life choices.

Your travelogue idea is intriguing. You’ve suggested the perfect title: Florida and Other Despot Nations: A Travel Guide. I love it.

I’m just going to jot a few top-of-mind ideas for now. Feel free, dear readers, to add your contributions to the list. We’ll start with things to always carry on your person (in addition to bulletproof vests):

Python repellent

Your odds of being attacked by an enormous boa constrictor are vastly greater than being mauled by a bear in Florida since we’ve now resumed hunting them, so forget the bear spray and get some Snake-B-Gone.

Mosquito spray

The deadliest animal on the planet is the mosquito. The bugs are estimated to kill more than 700,000 people a year worldwide. We have trillions of them in Florida, and they carry West Nile Virus, Eastern Equine Encephalitis, Chikungunya, Dengue, Zika, Malaria, Crosse Encephalitis, and hotdog finger.

There may or may not be vaccines for some of these dreadful diseases, but it wouldn’t matter because in the Free State of Florida, we would ban them.

Mosquito spray, btw, will also help defend you against no-see-ums, which, for the tourists reading this, are invisible sand flies that will eat you alive at the beach, but you won’t notice their bites until the next day when you wake up itching like mad and looking like your ankles have the chicken pox (for which there is a vaccine, but it is highly likely it, too, will be banned.)

Sunscreen

I prefer the strongest UV protection possible. Currently, on the open market, that is a Sun Protection Factor (SPF) of 100. Black market sunscreens are available at higher levels, but their added effectiveness stems not from their blocking power but their adhesiveness. Super Glue may be involved.

Deadly combinations

I have no idea what happens if you mix python repellent, mosquito spray, and sunscreen and apply all that to your skin at once. Not sure if it has ever been tried. But this is the Gunshine State, so there’s bound to be some crazy Florida Man who will give it a go.

Here’s what you do:

Pull over at any drainage canal and look for a yahoo — perhaps with missing fingers — trying to wrestle a gator. Ask him to volunteer for a test. It helps to offer a Bud Light as an incentive.

Not sure, but I think you might advise your test-taker to avoid open flames. This chemical combination could be flammable. On the off chance your Florida Man does spontaneously burst into flames, fear not. You’re right next to a canal. He’ll know to jump in, and if there are gators (there are always gators), he planned on wrestling them anyway.

Assuming the canal has water in it. We’re talking Florida Man. I can just see the headline:

Fire Fighters Douse Brushfire

After Burning Florida Man

Throws Himself Into Dry Ditch

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Rick Scott has always reminded me of Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt. Do you think Rick was doing a side hustle as Crypt Keeper while he was the CEO of the firm that paid $1.7 billion in penalties for Medicare and Medicaid fraud?

MPT (again)

Dear MPT (again):

No. He was too busy modeling Voldemort for J.K. Rowling.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

This is two weeks in a row readers have taken shots at Sen. Rick Scott. Isn’t that piling it on a bit? After all, he is a humble public servant just trying to do his job for the people of the Free State of Florida.

Nonplussed in Naples

Dear Rick:

Pro tip: If you’re going to send an anonymous question to an advice columnist, don’t use your U.S. Senate email account.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

While we have a bear killing season in Florida, why don’t we have a python killing season? Seems like we enjoy killing stuff here in Florida.

Confused,

Forebearer Bearing Arms for Bears

Dear Forebearer:

Great question, so I looked it up. We don’t have a snake killing season in Florida because they are “in season” all the time. You can wade out into the Everglades and start un-aliving snakes anytime time you want, day or night, no limit.

In fact, the Free State of Florida wishes you would because the so-called “Annual Python Challenge”—which is just a publicity stunt—has done absolutely nothing to reduce the python population. You might as well slosh through the ‘Glades with a fly swatter and pretend you’re doing something to reduce the mosquito population—it’s just as ineffective.

Although I was pleased to see that a University of Florida professor has developed a furry robot bunny that can be set loose for pythons to eat. It has a tracking device inside that hunters can then use to follow the snakes back to their nests.

If you ask me—and nobody has—it would be simpler to load that bunny up with some dynamite, maybe triggered by the python’s digestive enzymes.

Of course, there could be unintended consequences, I suppose, like rabbit hunters getting blown up or the Everglades catching on fire.

But, you know, it’s worth a try.

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Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

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Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

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Thank you for reading today’s Miss Mingo column. You can catch up with previous installments and our weekday newsletter at the Tropic Press website where you will also find occasional guest commentaries, and information about The Strange Files series of mysterious adventures and other books.

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