ASK THE BIRD: With Florida's new open-carry laws, how should one dress, and should holsters match our shoes?
Got a question? Ask Miss Mingo. She's got answers. Some may be accurate.
Editor’s Note: Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, is a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about news, life, the universe, and how to make the perfect Cuba Libre.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
Now that Florida has legalized open carry, are there any fashion rules we should be aware of? I wouldn’t want to appear unstylish. For instance, should a lady wear a gun on her hip, or is a shoulder rig preferred?
Pistol-Curious in Pinellas Park
Dear Pistol:
A larger question is whether carrying guns around in plain sight will become fashionable. Will people feel left out if they don’t?
Humans are herd animals. We’re natural mimics. How else can you explain so many of our silly fashion trends? I remember the counter-culture days of the previous century, where non-conformity was the rule. Which is why we all wore bell-bottoms. We were all non-conforming. Identically. It’s why men wear ties and women hobble about in high heels. We want to fit in with the herd.
So, if people start carrying handguns openly, would it be a surprise that it might trend, and the next thing you know, people will feel left out if a holster isn’t part of their raiment?
Best to get ahead of the curve, be part of the fashion avant-garde.
There are so many questions to be answered. For instance, thinking now about the men, what color holster should a gentleman wear with evening attire? It can be so confusing. Black leather used to be he rule for shoes and belts after dark, then along came the appalling brown shoe trend. You’ve seen it, all those horrid tan loafers with navy blue suits. Ghastly.
And should one’s shoulder holster be worn inside or outside the jacket? When slapping leather, should that cow skin match one’s shoes? And what about ammo belts? Are bandoliers in or out?
And I can’t even begin to imagine how this will rock the fashion world for women. What kind of accessories should a lady add to her wardrobe? Should her holster match her Jimmy Choos? Will gun manufacturers begin making pistols to match our Guccis?
And, as you ask, belt holster or shoulder holster?
I’ll try for some answers, shooting from the hip, as it were, with a little help from the never-wrong internet.
There’s a plethora of fashion advice online, from the best holsters and belts, clothing and public perception, even attitude and etiquette for gunslingers.
For example, an open carrier should “be polite and respectful. As an openly armed individual, you are a representative of all gun owners.”
Gun toters should “dress neatly and professionally. Avoid ‘tacti-cool’ or overly aggressive apparel.” Oh, and “avoid garments that snag” in case you’re walking down Main Street and you’re challenged to a showdown. You don’t want your skirt to interfere with your quick draw.
While women may continue to conceal carry in their purses, shoulder holsters are preferred when wearing a dress, pistol on one side of the harness, extra magazines on the other for those extended shootouts. Wearing slacks? A clip-on belt holster is acceptable.
And there are no rules about matching. It’s the wild, wild West. A fuchsia belt with a black leather shoulder rig? It seems to be a matter of personal preference. I spotted online photos of women in red dresses and forest green camo gun belts, for heaven’s sake.
I think this may have less to do with questionable taste than a lack of inventory. You heard it here first: There will be a lot of money to be made in color-coordinated handgun accessories. Probably color-coordinated handguns, too, to match your pumps.
Or maybe, just maybe, sanity will return, and this open-carry rule will be overturned. Then we can put those pistols back in our pants where they belong.
Although I shudder to think that I would ever see the day when I thought concealed carry was a solution to a problem.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
Well, what about at the beach?
Concerned in Coral Gables
Dear Concerned:
Really? Can’t you people go anywhere without a gun? Do you take it into the shower with you, too?
Well, you asked, so I researched it, and it turns out that when you inquire online, the best advice is this:
Sand, saltwater, and guns don’t mix well. Carry your piece in a lockable waterproof container. This shouldn’t have to be said, but since this is being read by Floridians, here goes:
DO NOT GO SWIMMING WITH A GUN IN YOUR BIKINI.
ASK THE BIRD
Got a question for Miss Mingo? About news, life, the universe or Key West happy hours? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press
Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.