Avast ye swabs and shiver me timbers, it's Arrr-gust -- International Pirate Month
Read on to be the smartest person in the room--or the Zoom
Were you to hop into the Hot Tub Time Machine and travel back to the 1700s, wouldn’t it be fun to hang out for a while with real pirates of the Caribbean?
Uh, maybe not so much.
Real pirates of that era tended to be just as nasty, murderous, and terrifying as pirates today. Although their boats were a lot cooler, for sure.
So what’s this fascination with buccaneers? Why is Arrr-gust dedicated to them, and why is Sept. 19 always Talk Like a Pirate Day?
I asked the never-wrong internet that question, and here’s the answer:
People are drawn to pirates due to a romanticized image of adventure, freedom, and rebellion against authority, even though real-life piracy was often brutal and dangerous. This romanticized version, heavily influenced by fiction, focuses on the allure of the sea, treasure, sword fights, and a rejection of societal norms.
So, there you have it. The urbane, witty, principled privateers of books and movies represent more of an ideal than reality, reminding me of what Capt. Jack Sparrow said of his ship:
It's not just a keel and a hull and a deck and sails, that's what a ship needs. But what a ship is... what the Black Pearl really is... is freedom.
I like the ideal that represents. I think Mona does, too. She’s the pirate at the top of this newsletter. She shows up frequently in my Strange Files series aboard Alexander Strange’s boat—especially so in Strange Currents and Strange Timing. Yeah, she’s a mannequin. But the sword is real.
Who among us doesn’t want to be the rebellious hero? That’s why we love these stories. Deep inside, we all have a bit of pirate spirit. Maybe this month would be a good time to uncork it.
Day-by-Day
August 1. In honor of International Beer Day, some trivia you can use to impress your friends and annoy your frenemies:
There are more than 100 distinct styles of beer around the world.
The oldest pub on the planet is Sean’s Bar in Athlone, Ireland.
People imbibing in the Czech Republic hold the crown for per capita beer consumption.
Weihenstephan Brewery in Bavaria, Germany, is the oldest continuously operating brewery in the world.
Octoberfest in Munich is the world’s largest beer festival.
In 2011, Barack Obama brewed his own beer at the White House, and it was served at parties and events there.
August 2. Sandcastle Day. Head to the beach. Build one. Then watch the tide wash it away. A a metaphor for how fleeting things in life are, including life itself. Then go have a beer to help you stop thinking about that.
August 3. It’s National Big Forehead Day, one of the weirder commemorations of the year. Celebs frequently mentioned in the big forehead literature, such as it is, include Nicole Kidman, Uma Thurman, Christian Slater, Kathy Romano, and Rihanna.
August 4. National Chocolate Chip Cookie Day, honoring the world’s best confection. It’s an official holiday (I’m so declaring), so take the day off.
August 5. Blogger Day. Does this newsletter qualify as a blog? I asked Google and got this definition:
Blog: a regularly updated website or web page, typically one run by an individual or small group, that is written in an informal or conversational style.
Since this is posted on my www.jcbruce.com website on Substack, I guess it qualifies.
August 6. National Wiggle Your Toes Day. Hey, don’t look at me like that. I don’t make this stuff up. I’m just the messenger.
August 7. India Pale Ale Day. Lots of beer themes this month, it seems. That beer Obama brewed at the White House? It was a pale ale.
August 8. National Pickleball Day. It’s recognized as the fastest-growing sport in America. In the past three years, the number of people playing has increased by 224 percent.
August 9. Book Lovers Day. We love people who love books. Need some tips for suggested reading. Check this out:
August 10. National President Joke Day. Here are a few guaranteed to make you the comedian-in-chief:
Which U.S. president got the job online?
Abraham LinkedIn
Which U.S. president starred in a science fiction movie?
Ronald Ray Gun
In what state was George Washington born?
Naked and crying, just like the rest of us.
August 11. The Dog Days of Summer officially end today. But if you think that means the weather will suddenly be cooler, you’re barking up the wrong tree.
August 12. The Perseid meteor shower peaks tonight. It’s one of the biggest and my personal favorite, although the waning gibbous moon will make it challenging to spot all the shooting stars.
August 13. National Tattoo Removal Day. Important tip: Recent studies show that people with tattoos are more vulnerable to skin cancer, so take care in the sun.
August 14. The Rocky Horror Picture Show celebrates its 50th anniversary today. Many theaters will have special showings to allow the campy movie to maintain its record as the longest continuously running show in history.
August 15. Relaxation Day. The idea behind this holiday is to take the day off and just chill. Which sounds good until the phone rings and the boss wonders where you are. Good alibis include:
My pet hamster went into labor and needed emotional support.
My goldfish drowned.
I have issues, and Spider-Man is coming over to help me with them.
August 16. National Honeybee Awareness Day. Bees are important. They pollinate plants, including the food we grow. Like broccoli. And if you eat enough broccoli, you’ll live forever. So be good to bees.
17. Cat Nights begin. We had Dog Days earlier in the month, and now it’s time to acknowledge our feline friends, who are said to become more vocal and active this time of year. On a catty note: It is believed in some quarters that witches can turn themselves into cats, but only eight times after which they are stuck as cats forever—hence the expression “cats have nine lives.”
August 18 is Bad Poetry Day. I asked ChatGPT to write a very bad poem. This is what I got:
Oh sock of left, where have you gone,
You vanished like my hopes at dawn.
Your twin remains, alone, confused,
Mismatched, ashamed, and slightly used.
August 19. Happy birthday, Bill Clinton! He turns 79 today. When he was inaugurated, he was the third-youngest president ever to take the oath of office. The oldest was our current commander-in-chief, Donald J. Trump, who was sworn in at the ripe old age of 78 after beginning his campaign against his predecessor, Joe Biden, by criticizing him for being too old.
August 20. World Mosquito Day. It’s the most dangerous animal on the planet responsible for up to a million deaths a year, according to some sources.
August 21. National Poets Day. My nominee for Best Poet: ChatGPT. I loved that sock poem, which says worlds about my appreciation of poetry—and my taste in art in general.
August 22. Be an Angel Day. A day to engage in good deeds and kindness. One way, of course, is to become a paid subscriber to this newsletter. Thank you in advance.
August 23. Find Your Inner Nerd Day. My nerd isn’t so inner, and I’m more interested this month in unleashing my inner pirate, but to each his or her or their own.
August 24. Pluto Demotion Day. Pluto used to be the ninth planet in our solar system, orbiting the Sun way out past Neptune in the Kuiper Belt. Now it’s just a “dwarf planet,” not a real planet, which seems cruel and discriminatory.
Tennis fans will also want to mark August 24 on their calendars as the U.S. Open tennis tournament begins today. TV coverage will be on ESPN and its affiliated networks.
August 25. Today is actress Blake Lively’s birthday. She is famous for her greatest role as Carol Ferris in the movie Green Lantern, the most powerful of D.C. Comics’ superheroes (sorry Superman and Batman) and portrayed brilliantly by Ryan Reynolds, also his greatest role. Lively and Reynolds met on the film’s set, and a year later they were married.
August 26 is Women’s Equality Day, commemorating the 1920 certification of the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, granting women the right to vote.
August 27. International Lottery Day. They say playing the lottery is a game for the mathematically impaired. You can skip buying a ticket today. I already have the winner.
August 28. Crackers Over the Keyboard Day. The idea is to unleash your inner pirate by eating crackers and other crumbly food over your keyboard, driving the IT guys mad when it jams or catches fire. What fun!
August 29. National Bow Tie Day. The only thing dumber than a necktie is a bow tie. Ties are throwbacks to the 17th century when Croatian soldiers used them to keep their shirts closed. We have things called buttons now. Or tee shirts, which are even better.
August 30. Frankenstein Day commemorates the birthday of author Mary Shelley and the monster she created. (Frankenstein was the doctor; the monster had no name.)
August 31. Eat Outside Day. If you can stand the heat.
Letters
Dear J.C.
The headline on this month’s so-called newsletter used the terms “avast ye swabs” and “shiver me timbers.” Do you even know what these expressions mean? Misuse of pirate-talk can lead to walking the plank.
H. Morgan
Of course. The expression “avast” is derived from the Dutch term for “hold fast.” Everybody knows that. You could also translate it into modern English as “Yo” or, perhaps, “Listen up” or, maybe, “Shut up and pay attention.”
A swab, of course, is an absorbent tissue. So, the expression “Avast ye swabs” means “Yo, absorbent tissues, shut up and pay attention.”
Or perhaps “swab” could also refer to an “uncouth and worthless fellow,” according to the Collins Dictionary, which is more likely how we should interpret it in the context of pirate talk.
As for “shiver me timbers,” it does not refer to freezing lumber. Rather, it is a piratical term that invoked feelings of fear, dread and awe. As when, say, a pirate encountered a sea dragon about to eat him.
Dear J.C.
About Mona, Alexander Strange’s pet mannequin that he dresses as a pirate. Has he got some kind of plastic fetish? I mean, I’m not judging, just plastic-curious.
R. Walters
Don’t be absurd. She’s made of fiberglass. On the other hand, Strange’s leg lamp, a duplicate of the famous lamp in the movie A Christmas Story, is, in fact, plastic. The original lamp was broken during filming.
Dear J.C.
You keep talking about Alexander Strange as if he were a real person. Come off it. We all know he’s just a character you invented for your books. Fess up.
G. Santos
Alexander Strange is real. His boat is real. Mona is real. His leg lamp is real. And yes, when I recounted how Mona is a time-travel conduit in my latest book, Strange Timing, all that really happened. Trust me. I’m a writer.
Dear J.C.
How can you say Green Lantern was either Blake Lively’s or Ryan Reynolds’ greatest roles? Reynolds constantly makes fun of the movie.
H. Hammond
Ryan is in charge of acting. I’m in charge of film criticism. He needs to stay in his lane.
Parting Shot
J.C. Bruce is a journalist and author of The Strange Files series of mysterious novels (available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, other online booksellers, and at selected libraries). He also writes this monthly newsletter. He holds dual citizenship in the United States of America and Florida, and was recently awarded an honorary doctorate from the Lightgate Institute of Extranormal Studies, which he totally made up for his book Strange Timing.
TROPIC PRESS, publisher of The Strange Files series of mysterious adventures, is pleased to also be the official publisher of J.C. Bruce’s new novella, Scribbles From Space.
