Editor’s Note: Every Saturday morning, we take a break from hard news to let Miss Mingo share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West. At least that’s what her official biography says, if you believe that. She answers the day's pressing questions about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
What was with the 11 Democrats — 8 women and three men — who said they were stuck in traffic and couldn’t make it to the vote to impeach Secretary of Unpeace Pete Hegseth?
That’s about as lame as saying the dog at my homework, isn’t it?
I mean, this, right after their landslide victory cleaning Republicans’ clocks, the first major vote after returning to Washington, and they couldn’t make it on time? Don’t they have watches?
Bewildered in Bradenton
Dear Bewildered:
It is very possible that even if the 11 congresscreatures had arrived in time for the vote, the articles of impeachment would still have been tabled, and there was no way they would have made it through the Senate.
Still, they had lots of explaining to do. Traffic accidents. Motorcades blocking traffic. Oh, and the party they were at beforehand running too long.
And what was that party? In a bit of irony you just can’t make up, it was a celebration of all the female Democrats just elected to Congress.
Good news: None of the newly elected congresswomen could have voted anyway — they won’t be sworn in until January — so at least THEY won’t have awkward excuses to make to their constituents.
Maybe the newsbees can dip into their leftover campaign funds and buy new wristwatches for their senior colleagues. I’d suggest digital timepieces to guard against any confusion over little hands and big hands.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
I know you devote a lot of acreage in this column to questions about politics, but I have a concern about a different matter, having to do with a lifestyle decision I have to make.
My boyfriend has accepted a job in Key West where the sanitation department is hiring extra help to deal with the iguana infestation. Now, he wants me to move down there with him. We currently don’t live together, so not only would this mean a major relocation (we’re in Alabama), but it would take our relationship to another level. And I never actually saw myself living with a lizard exterminator.
All that is complicated enough, but my real question is this: Do you think I could find work as a bartender in Key West?
Mindy in Mobile
Dear Mindy:
Does the Pope poop in the woods?
Key West has about 13.3 bartenders per 1,000 residents, which is about six times the national average. It’s an island about 2 miles by 4 miles with about 360 bars and restaurants serving drinks. You can’t throw a shot glass in any direction on Duval Street without hitting a saloon.
That said, many of these places only pay middling wages, so you have to be smart about landing work at a place with good tips. Jobs at popular Duval Street bars are really competitive. Bartenders there make bank.
But yeah, if you want to be a bartender, there’s hardly a better place in the world. I personally will keep you busy.
As for relationship advice, you’re asking the wrong bird. I’m single for a reason. I don’t play well with others. Or so it’s alleged. Love is blind. Somebody has to love the lizard wranglers. Is that somebody you?
Anyhoo, if it gets you out of Alabama, it’s all upside, right? If things don’t work out with your boyfriend (please don’t tell me his name is Mork), you can always find an eligible Florida Man. What could go wrong?
DEAR MISS MINGO:
There’s been a lot of talk about that blue tsunami what swept over the country on Election Day, but that got me to wondering if there ever are actual tidal waves that hit Florida.
I’m asking because even though I’m living in Alabama, I’m getting ready to move to Key West to start a new job and—this is embarrassing—I can’t swim, and the idea of being swept out to sea in a giant wave is terrifying.
Mork in Mobile.
Dear Not Mork:
There is no way your name is Mork. Not if your girlfriend is Mindy. You two should be ashamed of yourselves trying to punk a hardworking, honest journalist like myself. And here I was all set to give you a straight answer. Well, wait a minute, I will anyway. Here it is:
Yes, Florida has been hit by actual tidal waves, though nothing like the ones we’ve seen in the Pacific Ocean wiping out entire islands and coastal communities.
We do get big storm waves, though.
One of the most notable was in 1946 in Daytona, which got smacked by a 10-foot wave around midnight and injured about 75 people. It was caused by a squall in the Atlantic.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
Do you get a lot of phony questions like those two above, and how do you sort them out so you don’t fall prey to tricksters?
Curious in Crestview
Dear Curious:
Not often, but, as you can see, the answer to how I sort the legit questions from the fakes is:
Badly.
Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or nightlife on Duval Street, with which she is VERY familiar? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press.
Want to know more about Miss Mingo? How she got her start? And whether she really lives with two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and a pet iguana named Skippy? You can find her official biography, such as it is, here. If you’re bar-hopping on Duval Street in Key West and spot an intriguing woman in a pink hat you suspect might be Miss Mingo, you can always offer to buy her a Cuba Libre. Will it actually be her? Is there an actual her? Life’s a mystery.
AND now, some shameless advertising…
DUE TO POPULAR DEMAND, the official Tropic Press Store is now open and ready for business. You can order your very own Miss Mingo merch online. All sales are final. Check out the store here:
And when your shirt arrives, take a selfie and email it to Miss Mingo to be included in her column.
I like this bird.
Can we all remember that the limp dick and his mobster cronies are still in charge until January, but I think they all should have said it like it is to the people. The impeachment wouldn’t have happened because the Republicans still have the power until January. So we are not going to go. People need to start educating themselves and the media needs to start talking in plain language not politics language. But I will add it’s time for people to change the channel they watch like certainty NOT FUX news because they are only an entertainment channel not real NEWS.