If Donald Trump had his way, his new title would sound like 'Sickness'
News, commentary and satire from Florida for all Americans who fret about the future of our 250-year-old country
By J.C. Bruce
So, tonight Donald Trump will lecture us on election integrity.
Perfect.
Maybe next we can hear from Ghislaine Maxwell on youth mentorship, or Jeffrey Dahmer on cooking etiquette, or George Santos on resume writing.
After all, we’re talking about the impeached president who demanded of the Georgia Secretary of State: “I just want to find 11,780 votes.” The lame duck who urged Vice President Mike Pence to disrupt the Electoral College vote count. Who unsuccessfully filed more than 60 lawsuits to block Joe Biden’s election. Who exhorted a mob he rallied to “fight like hell” before they stormed the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021.
Who better to discuss voting security? The greatest threat to free and fair elections in American history.
And while he probably won’t say it out loud, what Trump really wants is to throw out the constitutionally mandated way we elect public officials and, directly or indirectly, put himself in charge.
In our country, states run elections. It’s a diversified system that safeguards against the corruption of centralization, just the thing Trump would love.
What does the only known victim of Trump Derangement Syndrome have up his sleeve for tonight’s announcement? My wife, Sandy, asked me that question during our morning walk around our neighborhood. She records these daily strolls on TikTok.
I told her what I thought, but she had a cleverer idea:
“He’s going to announce Trump Voting Machines."
Which I thought was one of the funniest things I’d ever heard. Until I didn’t. Later, as I rolled that idea around in my mind, this imaginary conversation took form:
Trump and Elon Musk are in the Oval Office.
Trump: I need DOGE to fix our elections.
Musk: Jawohl, mein Herr! The system is inefficient. Fifty Secretaries of State; more than 10,000 local election supervisors. We should fire all of them and replace them with one administrator.
Trump: Who?
Musk: You. Your new title will be Commander-in Chief/National Election Supervisor. C-I-C-N-E-S.
Trump: How do you say that?
Musk: Sickness.
Trump: It can’t be “sickness.” I’m the healthiest president of all time. Have I told you about my cognitive test results?
Musk: Five times …Today … So far … But moving on, now that you’ve fired everyone in the Elections Assistance Commission, we can stack it with your loyalists—well, mine, actually. I’ve got a bunch of teenage hackers who need jobs.
Trump: And then what?
Musk: Then the commission will recommend a national standard for voting machines. Imagine it: Trump Voting Machines. We can take all those leftover slot machines from your bankrupted casinos and convert them.
Trump: Would that work?
Musk: Doesn’t matter. We’ll decide in advance what the results are.
Trump: Well, sounds great. But they need to be gold. I love gold.
Musk: No problem. And for anyone to vote, they have to use a gold Trump Coin to activate the machine.
Trump: Oh, we’re going to make a killing on this. I’ll schedule an announcement right away…
Back to reality, Trump’s potential interference in our election system is certainly no laughing matter, of course, and many readers have already weighed in on this issue from yesterday’s newsletter.
Among them:
“(Trump) only believes elections are fraudulent when he or his candidates lose. That’s the true TDS (Trump Derangement Syndrome). He and his cult have it. The rest of us don’t.”
—Steve
and this…
“All I can ask intelligent Americans to do is get out there and vote! Vote in whatever ways are available to you, but vote. Tyranny has no place in America and our resolve and our freedom must survive a would be king! Trump is truly unbelievable and a loser in every regard!”
—Catamount
Feel free to add your thoughts to the conversation here:
Also of note:
The U.S. Mint has announced it will soon begin producing a new $1 gold-hued coin with Trump’s face on it to commemorate America’s 250th birthday. The coin’s face features Trump alongside the phrase “In God We Trust.” The flip side of the coin shows an eagle holding arrows in one talon and olive branches in the other.
it is unknown if this coin can be used in place of the gold Trump Coin in the imagined Trump Voting Machines.
Trump’s nominee for director of national intelligence, Jay Clayton, claimed, “I’m not an election denier” during his Senate confirmation hearing on Wednesday. Yet when asked point blank whether Joe Biden won the 2020 election, all he would say is: “Joe Biden was certified as the president of the United States.”
Clayton said he’s played no role in Trump’s 9 p.m. address to the nation tonight, but added: “We have substantial work to do in improving our electoral processes. It’s part of national security, and I feel strongly about that.”
So good that Clayton feels strongly about safe and secure elections. Good thing for him, we already have them.
J.C. Bruce is the founder of Tropic Press. He’s an award-winning journalist and author of The Strange Files series of mysterious adventures. He holds dual citizenship in the United States of America and his native Florida. In addition to this newsletter and the Tropic Press website, his work can also be found in Florida Weekly, where he writes the Onward Thru The Fog current events column, and you can tune into his weekly conversation with radio host and podcaster Dave Elliott every Friday morning.
NOTE TO READERS: To be clear, the above conversation between Donald Trump and Elon Musk was the product of the author’s imagination. There is no truth to the rumor that Tropic Press has a secret deal with Musk to share the recordings he makes of all Oval Office conversations using the bugs he planted during his reign of terror in the beginning of Trump’s second term.
FOOTNOTE: You can follow along with my wife Sandy and myself most mornings on her TikTok site: Between You and Me by clicking this link.
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Our democracy as we’ve known it for 250 years is at risk, as you can see from today’s newsletter.
To save it, we will need a groundswell of support from voters in the coming midterm election.
The purpose of this newsletter—and the accompanying Tropic Press website—is to encourage that engagement.
Currently, Tropic Press is reaching more than 700,000 subscribers in Florida and elsewhere, which is great, but there are literally millions of Florida Democrats and independents we are not reaching yet.
You can help spread the word.
Please like this post. Comment if you are so inclined. But, please, also take a moment to share it with people you know.
With mid-term elections on the horizon, the more people we reach, the more effective we can be in helping turn our state and this country around. You can play a vital role in that effort.
Thanks.
J.C. Bruce
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