Merry Christmas and best wishes that you get the new year you deserve
Miss Mingo answers your questions about life, the universe, and Santa's favorite beverages. Some of her replies to readers' questions may actually resemble the truth
Editor’s Note: Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, is a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.
Dear Readers:
Before I get to your questions this week, I just wanted to wish you a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanza, and a post-Festive Festivus. On behalf of myself and everyone on the staff of Tropic Press, may you have the new year you deserve.
Speaking for myself, I deserve a bit of vacay, and will be cruising the Caribbean for a couple of weeks. Keep your questions coming and I’ll catch up in early January, assuming Pete Hegseth doesn’t confuse our cruise ship with innocent fishing boats off the coast of Venezuela.
Cheers!
DEAR MISS MINGO:
Quick Christmas/Festivus question. I loved your Die Hard Advent Calendar, the one where Hans Gruber is taking a dive off of Nakatomi Tower. Did Hans ever make it to the bottom in time for Christmas?
Curious in Clearwater
Dear Curious:
Yep. Just like he does every year while pacing us through the days leading to Santa’s arrival, Hans—with the help of gravity—arrived at his fateful destination! To wit:
DEAR MISS MINGO:
You mentioned in an earlier column that Santa finishes his run in Key West every year and that you all go celebrate at the Green Parrot. My question is: What does Santa drink?
Imbibing in Immokalee
Dear Imbibing:
Whatever he wants.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
That was kind of a short answer, wasn’t it?
Polite in Palm Harbor
Dear Polite:
OK, you’re right, that was a little snippy of me and there should be no place for that on Christmas Day. It’s possible, having hung out with Santa until the wee hours this morning, that I may have a bit of a headache, and that’s a terrible way to start a Caribbean cruise.
Santa—and I am violating a confidence by revealing this, but my first loyalty is to you, dear readers—is actually abstemious. Milk and cookies. Maybe a splash of eggnog. Maybe more than a splash, actually. Maybe somebody who shall go nameless, spiked the eggnog with a little Bacardi. OK, maybe more than a little.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
I noticed that some of my neighbors were painting their coconuts in Christmas colors. I decided I better take a picture. Is that legal?
Mindful in Miami
Dear Mindful:
Sounds like you are being a bit vigilant minding your neighbor’s business, if you ask me. But, yes, it is perfectly legal in the Free State of Florida to paint your coconuts in the colors of the holiday season—red and green.
It is not legal to paint your coconuts in woke colors, like those found in rainbows. To do so risks an unwelcome visit from Gov. Ron DeSantis’ paint-spraying goons who have been roaming the state repainting rainbow crosswalks.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
OK, no rainbow colors. I’ll be on the lookout for that and be sure to report any sightings to the government woke hotline. But now I have another question: Is it in bad taste to have yard Santas so big that they tower over the eaves of your house? Asking for a friend.
Mindful in Miami (again)
Dear Mindful:
Well, aren’t you the little busybody! This is a little-known law in Florida, so as it turns out, your question is actually pertinent. Yes, there are height limitations. Inflatable Christmas decorations—Santa, snowpersons, reindeer, I’ve even seen some huge Mandalorians, whatever they have to do with the holiday season—are prohibited from being so tall that they interfere with Santa’s flight path, which can vary depending upon whether he is taking off or landing or how much eggnog he’s had to drink.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
I see Gov. Ron DeSantis, Attorney General of Other People’s Lives, is proposing to eliminate property taxes. I love a good deal, but can we lower them and just defund him, not the schools and emergency workers? Can we claw back the salary we paid him while he was a supposed full-time presidential candidate (I am still not convinced it wasn’t a SNL skit, but he wasn’t working)?
Wishing you a lovely and hopeful 2026,
Peeved in Palm Harbor
Dear Peeved:
Yes. But it would require a ballot initiative, and 60 percent of the state’s voters would have to approve it.
But as soon as such an initiative was filed, DeSantis would be siphoning state funds—probably from orphans and homeless children—and using it for TV ads campaigning against the proposal, so it would be an uphill fight.
But good luck with that!
Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press
Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.
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Enjoy that cruise! Looking forward to your return next year ;o))
And a Merry Christmas to you and yours.