Santa has sneaky ways to break into your house
ESSENTIAL NEWS. December 8, 2025. Florida Weekly
In just a couple of weeks, Santa will be sliding down our chimneys with bags of toys, which would be a neat trick at my house, as our humble abode’s electric fireplace is smokestack-free.
So how does Santa gain entry in the absence of a functioning chimney? Short of breaking and entering, I mean.
Nobody knows for sure. This is because Santa is super-secretive about his clandestine methods, and he takes great care not to be discovered during his nightly visits. This is an especially good idea in heavily armed Florida, and our stand-your-ground gunfighting laws.
Add to that our tradition on all major holidays of unloading our firearms heavenward in celebration, it’s a miracle Dasher, Dancer and the rest of the team haven’t already been strafed out of the Christmas Eve skies.
I called the North Pole to see if I could get it straight from the Head Elf himself, but was transferred to Santa’s Workshop Customer Service Experience Hotline, where I was put on endless hold listening to baritonal renditions of Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” until I lost my will to live.
So, I turned to the never-wrong internet for an answer, but came away as confused as ever.
Some theorize that Santa has a magic key he uses to gain entry in the absence of a chimney to drop down. I suppose he also has a magic burglar alarm neutralizer, too.
Others suggest he vaporizes himself into smoke or mist and flows inside through cracks under the doors or windows. Or, since this is Florida, the air conditioner intake. (Can you just imagine the puff of smoke as Santa flows out of the ceiling vent?)
Then there’s the “dematerialization” theory, where Santa, essentially, uses his version of the Starship Enterprise’s transporter to beam himself into the house. And when it’s time to leave, I imagine him on his communicator: “Beam me up, Rudolph.”
But my fave is the notion that St. Nick conjures a magical chimney out of thin air that he then slides down.
When I was a kid, Santa came down a real chimney like he’s supposed to.
We had an actual wood-burning fireplace, and my sister and I always made our parents extinguish the fire before Santa arrived.
We also put out a big plate of cookies, which were always gone by morning. And that’s how we knew then—and still today—that Santa is real. And in need of a shot of Ozempic.
This Weekend
December 13. This is the start of the penultimate Christmas shopping weekend, so if you haven’t begun your annual buying binge, this weekend’s your second-to-last chance to rack up some serious credit card debt.
December 14. There is more than one religious tradition celebrated this month. Hanukkah begins this evening and lasts until Dec. 22. The eight-day Jewish Festival of Lights involves lighting the menorah, playing dreidel and eating delicious foods like latkes.
The Week Ahead
December 15 is Bill of Rights Day, celebrating the signing of the first 10 amendments to the U.S. Constitution in 1791. As originally written, there were actually 12 amendments, but the first two were not ratified by the states.
One would have required a representative in Congress for every 30,000 people. If it had been approved, not even Donald Trump’s new ballroom would have held them all today.
The other had to do with how members of Congress could decide how much they were paid. So, the First Amendment—freedom of the press—was not top of mind for the Founders. It was their paychecks. And we wonder why we’re so cynical.
December16. National Chocolate Covered Anything Day. Chocolate is good for you. It stimulates your brain’s production of serotonin, a chemical that makes you happy and lets you type really fast. Which is why I always eat chocolate while I write.
December 17. Wright Brothers Day. It was on this day in 1903 that two Dayton, Ohio, brothers launched the first successful heavier-than-air aircraft. First flight was in Kitty Hawk, N.C. There were no baggage fees.
December 18. National Re-gifting Day is always the Thursday before Christmas. The idea is to wrap up that unwanted present you got last year—maybe at your office party—and give it to someone else. And, yes, this even applies to alcohol-infused fruitcakes as they are immortal and never go stale.
December 19. Today is both Ugly Christmas Sweater Day and National Underdog Day. They work together because an underdog is someone likely to wear an ugly Christmas sweater.
J.C. Bruce is an award-winning journalist and author of the Strange Files series of mysterious adventures. Check out his website, jcbruce.com, for details on how to order copies of his books. Copyright, 2025, J.C.Bruce