The untold story of the Epstein Files, why Trump changed his mind, and where the files were hidden all this time

Speculation is running rampant about Trump's whipsawing reversal, so if we're going to engage in conspiracy theories, add this to the conversation...

Donald Trump now insists that Congress order him to release the Epstein files — even though he could simply do so himself anytime he wants.

Which raises the obvious question: Why?

Why has he reversed course on this? What was he trying to hide that he now seems blasé about revealing? Does anyone have a handle on what’s really going on here?

Not really. But there’s a diarrheic firehose of speculation.

Since everyone else is guessing, we will too. But let’s do it with a little imagination, and we’ll follow the age-old newsroom maxim: Interesting if true; true if interesting.

To start, we’ll step back a few months to when former Florida attorney general Pam Bondi was busy decorating her new fifth-floor suite at the Robert F. Kennedy Department of Justice Building. She’d just been sworn in as America’s 87th attorney general.

When asked by a Fox News reporter about the Epstein Files, she said: “It’s sitting on my desk right now.”

Then the files vanished.

Did Bondi stash them somewhere? Were they pilfered? Did the interior decorators misplace them?

I’m imagining our newbie A.G. panic-stricken and calling in her best FBI agents to get to the bottom of this mystery.

Enter Fox Mulder and Dana Scully — or some real-life versions thereof — tasked with recovering the missing files. But weeks go by to no avail. “The files are out there,” Mulder probably said, “but I’ll be damned if I know what’s happened to them.”

Where could they be?

Hidden, of course. Which leads us to the secret subterranean basement under FBI Headquarters in the venerable Hoover Building — to the fourth sub-basement, to be precise, where lo-and-behold there they are, the Epstein Files, stashed in a yellow two-drawer file cabinet, locked securely behind the iron bars of a prison cell in the secret detention level where Antifa terrorists are imprisoned.

There are guards outside the cellblock 24/7 with video cameras recording every movement in and out of the corridors.

And there the Files rested, secure, untouched, and undiscovered until a few days ago.

When all hell broke loose.

The House Oversight Committee released a tranche of Epstein memos in which the child molester wrote that Trump “knew about the girls.”

Immediately, the president summoned Bondi and FBI Director Kash (On the Barrelhead) Patel to a secret Situation Room meeting (that was immediately leaked to the Fake News Media).

And it was shortly thereafter that the guards in the Hoover Building basement were discovered fast asleep, and the video surveillance cameras were found to be inoperative.

And inside the cell housing the Epstein Files, this is what was discovered:

“Oh, no!” Kash Patel, wailed when called to the scene. “How did this happen? How could the Files hang themselves and take all their secrets with them?” He shook his head, then sighed. “Oh, well, later gator. Fire up the government jet. Got a hot date and a wrestling match to get to.”

Bondi then informed Trump about the suicide and he immediately announced he changed his mind: “We have nothing to hide (anymore),” he bellowed on social media.

He did a quick 180 and urged the House of Representatives to approve legislation demanding the Justice Department share the files with the world.

Of course, the House was already going to do just that with Republicans terrified they’d be scalped by their constituents if they didn’t. And any three-year-old understands this was just Trump playacting, trying to get ahead of the inevitable and pretend it was his idea all along.

Still, it was great theater, especially if you like farces.

As a footnote to this tale, I realize there’s nothing funny at all about what happened to Epstein’s victims, and there’s nothing even slightly amusing about a demented 79-year-old running the country.

But can anyone older than that three-year-old I mentioned have any confidence that even if the files are released now that we’ll get the true picture?

Especially given Bondi’s sniveling obeisance to Trump and his whims?

To paraphrase Mulder, the truth may be out there, but I’m not holding my breath that we’ll get it anytime soon.

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Essential News

Supremes say no to prayer

The U.S. Supreme Court on Monday declined to take up an appeal by a Tampa Christian school that contended its speech rights were violated when it was prevented from offering a prayer over a stadium loudspeaker before a 2015 state championship football game. The Supreme Court did not explain its reasons. But the decision effectively was a victory for the Florida High School Athletic Association and let stand a ruling last year by a panel of the 11th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals. (Sun Sentinel)

Falling behind on bills.

More people in Florida and nationwide are falling behind on paying their bills to keep on the lights and heat their homes. Past due balances to utility companies jumped 9.7 percent annually to $789 between the April-June periods of 2024 and 2025, said The Century Foundation and the advocacy group Protect Borrowers. The increase has overlapped with a 12 percent jump in monthly energy bills during the same period. (AP)

Comey prosecutors scolded

The Justice Department engaged in a “disturbing pattern of profound investigative missteps” in the process of securing an indictment against former FBI Director James Comey, a federal judge ruled Monday. Those problems, wrote Magistrate Judge William Fitzpatrick, include “fundamental misstatements of the law” by a prosecutor to the grand jury that indicted Comey in September. (AP)

More Jan. 6 rioters pardoned

President Trump has issued two pardons related to the investigation into the Jan. 6, 2021 riot, including for a woman convicted of threatening to shoot FBI agents and a second pardon for a Jan. 6 defendant who had remained behind bars despite the sweeping grant of clemency for Capitol rioters because of a separate conviction for illegally possessing firearms. (AP)

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