Who needs Phil? Florida should have its own weather animal. I nominate Ivy
News and views and occasional whimsy for Floridians and other Americans with a sense of humor -- or is it irony?
It’s Groundhog Day all over again.
In a little Pennsylvania town, a large furry rodent was paraded around this morning by bearded men in top hats who claimed the woodland creature had divined how long it will be until Daylight Saving Time begins.
No, wait, I’ve got that wrong.
The woodchuck named Phil saw his shadow—or didn’t, I can’t remember which—and predicted that spring would come early, arriving in just six weeks.
Which is wonderful, since tomorrow, Feb. 3, marks the midpoint of winter, and whether Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow or not, spring is just six weeks away, anyway.
Why the land beaver or woodchuck or groundhog is named Phil instead of the more alliterative Pete or Patricia is a mystery. The “Ph” in Phil makes a soft sound, not a hard “P” as in Punxsutawney, the Pennsylvania town where he is held captive.
Phil sounds like “phifft,” the sound a tranquilizer dart makes as it flutters toward its victim.
Which I have long suspected, explains why Phil always appears so calm on stage.
This annual ritual has been going on since 1887, which means Phil is now 139 years old. I guess that could also explain why he is so stiff. Although the characters in charge of this annual ritual say Phil drinks a special “elixir” that extends his lifespan.
My guess is, it’s moonshine, which would explain why Phil’s prognostications on the length of winter are right less than 40 percent of the time.
Phil has numerous imitators these days, not all of them groundhogs. In Eastford, Connecticut, there’s Scramble the Duck. The forecasters in Boulder, Colorado, haul out a taxidermied yellow-bellied marmot named Flatiron Freddy.
Here in Florida, we have Phil the Gator in Lake Seminole. If Phil the Gator basks in the sun, it’s a sign of early spring.
Given the cold snap we are enduring today, it’s hard to imagine any gators being mobile enough to bask or do much of anything else.
Also, and not to be mean or anything, but Phil? Again?
Come on! This is Florida, home of Alligator Alcatraz, Deportation Depot, Panhandle Pokey. We love our alliterations here.
How about Gary the Gator? Or Gertrude? Get with the program, people.
Or maybe we should start a brand new tradition.
Let’s find a green iguana, feed it some of our own special elixir so it, too , can be immortal (and looped). She can be Ivy the Iguana. Or Ivan, if a boy.
We’ll prop Ivy/Ivan on a tree limb—a live oak covered in Spanish moss will do—and wait and see if she/he falls off, stunned by the cold.
If so, it’s still winter.
If not, that’s the last we’ll see of Ivy or Ivan, as she/he will no doubt flee in terror from all the weirdos trying to feed her/him moonshine when all she/he really wants is a nice leaf to nibble on.
If we could only get rid of Alligator Alcatraz so easily.
In the news
There’s actual news today besides Groundhog Day, so much so that it’s hard to decide what to write about, but my favorite has to be Dear Leader’s latest temper tantrum.
Donald Trump is furious at the Grammy Awards, and not just because the Trump-hating Bad Bunny made history by winning Album of the Year, a first for an all-Spanish-language album.
No, Trump’s really annoyed with Grammys host Trevor Noah. Calling the awards “virtually unwatchable,” he threatened to sue Noah for this quip:
“Congratulations, Billie Eilish. Wow, that’s a Grammy that every artist wants — almost as much as Trump wants Greenland. Which makes sense because, since Epstein’s gone, he needs a new island to hang out with Bill Clinton.”
Trump should know from “unwatchable.” Ever since he took over the venerable Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts and slapped his name on it, artists have been cancelling performances in droves, and attendance has plummeted.
But he knows how to get even.
Even as the Grammy Awards were about to air, he announced he is shutting down the center for two years for “renovations.”
Will this be like how he “renovated” the East Wing?
It may be time to buy stock in Caterpillar. Sounds like there’s a growing demand for bulldozers in the nation’s capital.
Speaking of Epstein
The New York Times has analyzed the latest tranche of Epstein Files released last week. By the newspaper’s account, using their own proprietary software, there were more than 5,300 files “containing more than 38,000 references to Mr. Trump, his wife, his Mar-a-Lago club in Florida, and other related words and phrases…”
Nevertheless, Todd Blanche, who by his own account serves as both deputy attorney general and Trump’s personal lawyer, says there’s no need for further investigation.
Related:
Trump rips Grammy Awards, threatens to sue host Trevor Noah over Epstein jab
Trump says Kennedy Center will close in July for two-year renovation
How Trump appears in the Epstein Files
J.C. Bruce is the founder of Tropic Press, a Florida online news service dedicated to sharing news and commentary relevant to Florida readers, whether it originates in the Sunshine State or elsewhere. Bruce is an award-winning former newspaper editor, journalist and author living in Florida, his native state.
Onward thru the fog
It’s easy to feel overwhelmed if you are a rational person living in the Free State of Florida, but there are plenty of smart, reasonable people just like you here. The purpose of this newsletter and the Tropic Press website is to provide a source of news and commentary that shines a light through this irrational fog.
Thank you for your support as a subscriber. It is invaluable. This is especially so for those of you who have chosen to upgrade to paid subscriptions. Your contributions are making this possible.
J.C. Bruce
Sharing is caring
As this newsletter was written, Tropic Press was reaching more than 750,000 subscribers in Florida and elsewhere. With mid-term elections on the horizon, the more people we reach, the more effective we can be in helping turn this country around. You can play a vital role in that effort by sharing this newsletter with friends. If you are reading this as an email, simply forward it. Or you can use the link below. Thanks.
Today’s sponsor
Today’s report is brought to you by Tropic Press Books, home of The Strange Files. The six-book series makes the perfect New Year’s present for the mystery fans in your life. You can find more information about these hilarious stories here.
Reminder for your calendar:
Hey J.C.! Best laugh I've had all week....nay, all YEAR (or maybe I should include last year). Was waiting for the Iguanas to fall out of the trees! But I think they're getting savvy here in southern Florida, and go underground. Thanks for your perspective!