ASK THE BIRD: Are we great again yet? What makes you think we never were?

Got a question? Ask Miss Mingo. She's got answers, some of which she's actually researched. She writes every Saturday for Tropic Press.

Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. If we get enough paid subscribers, we may actually start reimbursing her for her efforts.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

With the passing of Memorial Day and the brewing excitement over our nation’s 250^th birthday, I have to wonder how Dozy Donny’s efforts are going to Make America Great Again. Are we there yet? To my reckoning, he has threatened some 14 independent nations with violence or a takeover, abducted the leader of one country, and started a war in the Middle East. Does that make him a great leader, and does that make us great again? How do you view his chances of being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, or has he already acquired one?

In order to stack the deck in his favor, perhaps after he turns the Gaza Strip into a beach resort, he could turn Iran into a Trump golf course and theme park. That should seal the deal!

I am also concerned, as are others, over the Great Pumpkin’s health. I know his hair loss has been an issue, but his complexion is concerning to me. Perhaps he could have his health minion, RFK Jr., look into the possible effects of the orange dye he may have been ingesting.

Speaking of RFK Jr., I recently viewed a stunning video of him wrestling dangerous snakes from the patio of one Dr. Oz. It reminded me of the old Mutual of Omaha series, and of Jim wrestling a wild Anaconda. Perhaps this video could be used in lieu of the standard procedure for him to acquire a permit to participate in the 2026 Florida Python Challenge? I would love for him to wander into the Everglades to tackle this growing health and environmental problem. At the very least, I would think he might offer his services to help clean up around Alligator Alcatraz once it closes. There are so many things a multi-talented genius of his caliber might do to serve our country as we approach its 250^th birthday!

So, if we aren’t great again yet, I can’t imagine what we might do to tip the scales in our favor. Perhaps we could have our esteemed leader Jello wrestle on the White House lawn with Putin, Xi, or the Ayatollah Alireza Arafi. All we need is some sort of hideous structure beneath which to hold the matches!

Does any of this sound reasonable to you, or am I...

Dreamin’ in Dunedin

Dear Dreaming:

Congratulations. This is the longest letter I have received in my time writing this column, and it serves as Exhibit A of why I love this job—I get to interact with so many clever and interesting people.

I realize this is really a tirade disguised as a question just so you could sneak it into print, to which I say: Well played!

But to your point:

MAGA as a slogan begins with a false premise—that America isn’t already great—and that it will take someone, a savior, a larger-than-life leader to turn things around. This is, as we all know, a con job, a trick designed to dupe those poor souls among us prone to buying snake oil, or believing the moon landing wasn’t real, or that vaccines cause STDs, or whatever.

If I recall my Sunday school classes (it’s been a few years), Jesus once said the poor will always be among us.

He might also have said the gullible.

We never needed Trump to be great again. But we need his successor to clean up the mess he’s made.

And no, he won’t win the Nobel Peace Prize. And even if he did, he’d fall asleep during the ceremony.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

While we’re ranting here, what’s with Florida Sen. Ashley Moody pretending she stood up for cops with her vote on Trump’s $1.776 billion slush fund? Does she think we’re stupid?

Aggravated in Apopka

Dear Aggravated:

It would have taken only one more Republican senator voting for it, and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer’s amendment to dropkick the slush fund out of existence would have passed.

That vote did not come from Moody—or from Florida’s other senator, Rick Scott—either.

As a result, the slush fund still, theoretically, exists.

What Moody did vote for was a failed amendment that would have permitted the slush fund but not let its money be used to reimburse Jan. 6 rioters.

But that was just a bit of performance art. It was a clever gambit by a Democratic senator to force Republicans to vote against it, so it could be used to show that Republicans have no respect for all the police injured during the insurrection at the Capitol.

Moody was among a handful of Republicans facing close races who voted for it, even though it was doomed from the beginning. It gives her something to counterpunch with, sort of, when she is rightfully accused of backing Trump and his chicanery.

It was a meaningless bit of theatrics. Don’t be fooled.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

You seem kind of down on Moody. Why is that?

Fairminded in Fort Lauderdale

Dear Fairminded:

First off, I have no patience for politicians of any party who put their personal political fortunes ahead of the good of the country.

My hero in that regard, even though she and I have never met and we wouldn’t agree on much, is Liz Cheney. She chose patriotism over her career in defying Trump. We need more like her on both sides of the aisle.

Moody was never elected to the Senate. Gov. Ron DeSantis planted her there when Marco Rubio quit to become Trump’s secretary of State. That’s why she has to run now to keep her job.

Trump needs to be impeached. We need a Senate willing to convict. That’s not Moody. She is a total Trump toady.

And, yes, I know I’m showing my biases here. I’m biased in favor of America’s survival.

Wow. This column has been full of tantrums, hasn’t it? I think I’ll go get a cocktail and settle down. See you next week.

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Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

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