ASK THE BIRD: Can you open carry bear spray? Is my new woke hat in danger of being spray-painted? And can I get one of those special Trump high-powered showerheads?

Got a question? Ask Miss Mingo. She's got answers. Some may be true. She writes every Saturday for Tropic Press. Except when she doesn't.

Editor’s Note: Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, is a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Santa brought me a non-lethal Byrna bear spray gun for protection on our sailboat. Can I open carry it in Publix even though it’s non-lethal? It looks just like a firearm.

Thanks,
Tom Moss

Dear Tom:

If it’s for protection on your sailboat, why do you need it in Publix? Oh, wait, I get it. To fit in.

But back to your sailboat. Are there bears out in the ocean? I wouldn’t be surprised if some hadn’t headed offshore to avoid being “harvested” during the recent bear hunting season, which, let us note, was a spectacular flop from the “harvesting” perspective, with only 52 bears rendered unalive out of an allotted 172.

For which I, for one, am immensely grateful.

But seriously, my research shows that the current interpretation of open carry laws in Florida would mean that, sure, you can carry a can of bear spray, Mace, and even bear spray in the shape of a pistol anywhere you can also display a firearm.

I am far from an expert on these matters, but I am concerned that should you find yourself in a shootout on Aisle 3 with someone brandishing an actual six-shooter with actual bullets, you might find yourself at a bit of a competitive disadvantage.

Maybe carry a grenade launcher as a backup.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I recently purchased a ball cap with the words ‘Immigrants Make America Great’ embroidered across the front. This fine example of headgear is ‘woke blue’ in color. Should I fear incarceration for wearing it in public? Will DeSantis send his goons to arrest me? I seek your advice.

Fearful in Bradenton,

Jack

Dear Jack:

This would be a lot more fun to answer were it not for recent events in Minneapolis, but, in all fairness, those weren’t DeSantis’s goons, they were Trump’s.

I don’t think any American of any political stripe should hesitate to express their feelings. When we start hesitating to speak out, we’re no longer the country we want to be.

Easy for me to say here in the Conch Republic, the last bastion of freedom in America, I realize.

As for DeSantis and his thugs, my advice would be to carry a little turpentine with you for fear they may still be armed with their cans of spray paint from roaming the state repainting all the rainbow crosswalks.

I just realized that I assumed they used oil-based paint. I don’t know why. Obviously, if it’s latex, you probably can just throw your hat in the washing machine. (Do NOT mix your hat with light colors if you do this.)

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Would someone—preferably a good writer like you!—create some “creative text” to adorn Trump’s portrait plaque?

You know, I’m referring to those “presidential plaques-with-text” that Trump so boldly assaulted? Thank you very much!

David Orr Wright

Dear David:

You mean the descriptions under all the presidential portraits in the White House Walk of Fame that Trump revised to denigrate former presidents such as Joe Biden, who he called “by far the worst President in American History,” or Barack Obama as “one of the most divisive political figures in American history,” right?

Well, I asked Chat GPT to weigh in on this, just to be fair-minded about it. This is what I got:

Donald Trump’s legacy reads less like statesmanship and more like a cautionary tale about what happens when ego is mistaken for leadership. He turned the presidency into a reality show, replaced competence with loyalty tests, and left behind a trail of chaos that made governance feel like a never-ending tantrum. Facts were optional, norms were disposable, and division was treated as a feature rather than a flaw. Long after the slogans fade, what remains is a reputation for noise over substance, grievance over progress, and a legacy defined more by damage and distraction than by any lasting achievement.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, MISS MINGO:

Now that the Orange Toddler in Chief has forced Congress to face the serious issues of our time, I am wondering when my “tariff check” is coming so I can buy one of these Donald Trump rich-people showers. Maybe it’s in the mail with the money he owes Ron De Fascist for Alligator Alcatraz?

Impatiently Peeved in Palm Harbor

Dear Impatiently:

You are, of course, referring to the bill before the House of Representatives that would allow showers like those in Trump’s bathroom with multiple showerheads to have higher pressure so Trump can wash all his makeup off more easily.

(And, no, I am not making this up. Don’t believe me? Check out this video, which also was shared yesterday in the daily Tropic Press newsletter:

As for those tariff checks, you’re going to have to wait until next week at the earliest. The Supreme Court has yet to rule on their legality. The court is expected to have a decision, perhaps, on Jan. 14.

If they go against Trump, the checks that will be written won’t be to you and me, but to every business that had to pay those illegal import taxes in the first place.

But we’ll have to stay tuned on that front.

That said, I do understand there is a black market for high-powered showerheads, but you can only purchase them using TrumpCoin. Go figure.

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Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

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Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

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