ASK THE BIRD: How'd the Border Patrol know the balloon it shot down wasn't full of nerve gas?

Got a question? Ask Miss Mingo. She's got answers. Some may even be true. She writes every Saturday for Tropic Press.

Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I’m confused about those lasers the Border Patrol used in El Paso to shoot down that party balloon that drifted across the Rio Grande into Texas. Was it really worth shutting down the airport there and disrupting all those flights? Did the government think it was full of nerve gas or something?

Chilling in Cape Canaveral

Dear Chilling:

Let me deflate one of your questions first. No, there was no nerve gas involved. How do we know this? Because nerve gases such as Tabun, Sarin and VX are heavier than air, and a balloon inflated with them would not rise in the atmosphere and into the sights of our highly trained laser operatives.

No, they know that a party balloon flitting about the sky has to be inflated with lighter-than-air helium.

If so, why did they shoot it down?

That is subject to some speculation. One theory goes that the Border Patrol agents manning the laser are by nature party poopers and they see their mission as ensuring that nobody anywhere at any moment is having a fun time.

It is also possible that the Border Patrol has not yet been trained to distinguish the radar signature of a child’s balloon from, say, a stealth bomber. That does seem a little concerning, no?

But there is a much larger issue.

Why are we using ground-based energy weapons along our southern border in the first place when we know, because former U.S. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene told us, that we have platoons of orbiting lasers in space?

Sure, they were shot into orbit by Jewish financiers, but haven’t we since taken them over to prevent them from being used to set more forest fires along our West Coast?

In that case, why not point them down and blast those pesky balloons before they can even reach the city limits of El Paso?

There are a couple of problems, according to a well-placed source at the Pentagon (Pete Hegseth’s bartender):

First off, even if the space laser is in geosynchronous orbit 22,000 miles above the Earth and not darting around the planet like low-Earth satellites, it’s still tough to hit a balloon erratically bobbing in the breeze. Sure, lasers shoot at the speed of light, but there’s a 120 millisecond lag at that distance, and that’s enough to make hitting a small moving target challenging.

Also — and this is clearly only a minor concern for Border Patrol agents — there might be a kid under the balloon.

Which is why shooting lasers upwards into the sky is better than shooting down toward the Earth’s surface. Unless you miss and hit the aforementioned Jewish space laser, which could launch World War III when Skynet thinks it’s being attacked.

I hope this clears up your anxiety and concerns.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Key up the old Nancy Sinatra song, “These Boots Were Made for Walking”, as that is what I heard in my head with the picture of Ron DeSantis in those white boots. I think you missed one transformation: starting/volunteering Alligator Alcatraz to gain Trump’s notice so the Justice Department would not investigate his improper transfer of Medicare funds …

Thanks!

Kirk

Dear Kirk:

You are, of course, referring to my earlier column: If Ron DeSantis were a real Transformer, who would he be? And the fund transfers were when millions of dollars from a Medicaid overcharge settlement that were rerouted to help pay for campaigns opposing a pair of citizen ballot initiatives, one regarding the legalization of cannabis and the other to overturn the state’s onerous six-week abortion ban.

And, yes, my sources tell me (different sources from Pete Hegseth’s bartender) that a state grand jury looking into all that is the least of the governor’s problems. Apparently, Nancy Sinatra is preparing to sue him for giving go-go boots a bad name and, thus, diluting her brand.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Since DeSantis is stepping down as governor because, thankfully, term limits, I wonder if he could appoint himself Pope of Florida? The various pope hats might attract Ron to the position as they would offer him that extra height he has been seeking.

MPT

Dear MPT:

There have been a lot of rumors and jokes about our governor’s elevator boots, although he swears he doesn’t wear lifts and that Bootgate is a hoax. He says he is actually five feet eleven inches tall, although some say his actual elevation is more likely in the five-foot-eight-inch to five-foot-nine-inch range.

In any event. a Pope’s mitre would certainly add to his vertical profile.

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Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

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Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

Parting Shot

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Thank you for reading today’s Miss Mingo column. You can catch up with previous installments and our weekday newsletter at the Tropic Press website where you will also find occasional guest commentaries, and information about The Strange Files series of mysterious adventures and other books.

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