ASK THE BIRD: In a contest of nitwits, who would win: Sarah Palin or Kristi Noem?

Got a question? Ask Miss Mingo. She's got answers. Some may even be true. She writes every Saturday for Tropic Press.

Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, where she answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices. You can support her bar tab by becoming a paid subscriber.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

My friend and I are having an argument, and we were hoping you could settle this for us. If I win, she owes me a beer. If she wins, I owe her a gin and tonic. First off, the bet is inherently unfair since G&Ts cost more. So, I guess no matter how you rule, I’m the dummy here. But here’s the question:

Who is—how to put this delicately—the dimmer bulb in the chandelier? Sarah Palin or Kristi Noem?

Betting in Bradenton

Dear Betting:

I’m going to narrow my answer to your question since I do not believe there are any available IQ test scores for either of them. But best I can tell, neither is a member of Mensa, the high IQ society.

Palin attended multiple institutions over five or six years after high school, including Hawaii Pacific University, North Idaho College, and Matanuska-Susitna College in Alaska, before finishing her bachelor’s degree at the University of Idaho.

Noem began her congressional career while she was still a student, finally getting her bachelor’s degree at South Dakota State University in 2012.

So, both are college grads. We’ll call that a tie.

I won’t beat to death all the stupid things both of them have said. Really, there isn’t time in a normal human lifespan for that. I’ll call that a draw, too, because that category would be entirely subjective.

But here’s an objective measurement:

During her term as governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin executed zero people. Of course, that record was helped by the fact that Alaska doesn’t have the death penalty. But she also didn’t order armed thugs into the streets of her state resulting in needless deaths, either.

Noem’s federal agents whom she has dispatched around the country wreaking havoc, have, so far, been involved in at least 30 shooting incidents that have resulted in at least eight deaths. In addition to that, 53 people have died while in custody.

So, while I can’t actually answer who may be the dullest knife in the drawer, it is clear that between them, Noem certainly has more blood on her hands.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

We watched the interview of Trump by Katie Pavlich to see what all the hoopla was about. All I have to say is Barbara Walters must have been turning over in her grave. It seems that News Nation hired Pavlich to help bring in more MAGA types into their so-called fair and even broadcasting scenario. Evidently … they needed to bring in an on-air reporter that meets (Trump’s) female “type” so she can help him answer her questions. What do you think?

Fred and Kris

Dear Fred and Kris:

I hadn’t seen the interview you referred to until you wrote, so I found it on YouTube. I watched as much as I could stomach, then headed over to the Green Parrot for a drink to clear my mind.

I don’t begrudge News Nation or Fox or any other TV network for hiring attractive people. It’s a visual medium, after all, and I can tell you that most of the pretty people in J-schools gravitate to TV.

That doesn’t make them stupid. I, like most ink-stained wretches of my generation, spent much of my career dissing the blow-dried airheads of TV. Until I was asked to do a nightly stand-up in the newsroom for a local station and I realized it was harder than it looks.

But I will say, too, that being pretty doesn’t make you any smarter, either—or more moral or objective—and watching this interview made me want to barf. This is not “news for all Americans.” It’s not even journalism. It’s blatant propaganda for MAGA idiots.

Yeah, Barbara Walters would be spinning in her grave. But Joseph Goebbels would dig it.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

I was wondering what might happen if everyday citizens were to have a moratorium on protesting against the presence of icemen and start donning ice costumes so as to roam the streets more anonymously and perhaps then more safely?

What do you think?

Diane

Dear Diane:

So, cosplay as an ICE agent?

I mean, that’s a creative idea. Kudos to you for your imagination. But I would think it might carry some risks.

One thing I’ve noticed, ICE agents don’t seem to travel alone. They are pack animals and behave like it. I would fear the more you camo-ed up, the more they might recognize you as a potential threat. And, as we have seen, that can make you unalive.

There’s another No Kings rally planned nationwide in March. Maybe do that instead. Carry a sign, not body armor.

And isn’t it a shame that we are having to endure this right now, seeing Americans being gunned down by other Americans in fatigues and helmets and masks?

Some days there just isn’t much to laugh at, it seems.

It’s enough to drive a woman to drink. And I think I will now have another.

DEAR MISS MINGO:

Before you leave, if your drink happens to be a Bloody Mary with, say, celery, and you don’t like the celery and spit it out and, maybe, say something derogatory about it, is it true that Florida’s Veggie Libel Law would allow the bartender to sue you? Are you worried?

Dumbfounded in Dunedin

Dear Dumbfounded:

As you know, our esteemed state solons (that’s a very old-fashioned word meaning legislators, but I love the alliteration) are even as we correspond beefing up the state’s ability to make dissing agricultural products a hate crime. (See Florida Legislature may expand its Veggie Libel Law.)

That said, I’m on pretty good terms with the barkeeps here in the Conch Republic, so I don’t carrot all.

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Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press

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Hermina Hermelinda Obregon—a.k.a. Miss Mingo—was an award-winning newspaper reporter before she involuntarily joined the diaspora of journalists leaving the newspaper profession. She now lives with her two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and her pet iguana Skippy. If you wander the streets (and bars) of Key West, you’ll doubtless run into her. She’ll be the woman wearing the ridiculous flamingo hat. If you want an autograph, you’ll have to buy her a Cuba Libre. There’s more about her here.

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Thank you for reading today’s Miss Mingo column. You can catch up with previous installments and our weekday newsletter at the Tropic Press website where you will also find occasional guest commentaries, and information about The Strange Files series of mysterious adventures and other books.

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