ASK THE BIRD: The Huckster-in-Chief's latest merch. Get your Pond Scum 250 today!
Got a question about life, the universe or current events? Ask Miss Mingo. She's got answers. She writes every Saturday for Tropic Press.
Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her insights with readers. She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West. At least that’s what her official biography says, if you can believe that. She answers the pressing questions of the day about life, the news, and the best happy hour prices.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
In celebrating the 250th birthday of the United States of America, the Trump Store, as well as merchandise booths at the Great American State Fair, are offering some patriotic items whose availability seems to have flown under the radar. Notable products include:
Organic algae supplements harvested from the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool by highly trained ICE operatives specializing in purification from foreign bodies. This algae, under the brand name Trump Scum 250©, provides protein, vitamins, and minerals that improve one’s sense of health and well-being. This product is approved by the United States Department of Health and Human Services. Accept no substitute for genuine Trump Scum 250©!
Trump Scum 250+© with beta carotene added. These supplements enhance the Trump Scum 250© experience by promoting a subtle orange glow of your skin. Now you can not only feel good but look great too!
Trump Scum 250© Starter Kit. This kit provides all you need to grow genuine Trump Scum 250© at home. Included is an American Flag Blue platter, 2026 grams of reflecting pool water, and 250 grams of genuine Trump Scum 250©. Place ingredients in the sun and watch the Trump Scum 250© grow! Scum may be harvested and added, for example, to pools, bathwater, adult beverages, or salads, ensuring that Trump Scum 250© enhances every part of your life!
45”x47” pool tile. This American Flag Blue tile adheres to the bottom of any swimming pool. Within a week to ten days, it will begin to peel off. Invite liberal neighbors over for a pool party, and then accuse them of vandalizing your pool by peeling off the tile. Have them arrested! Great way to assert your patriotism.
Perhaps you would be interested in publicizing these outstanding products before inventory is depleted. Maybe the Tropic Press Store would relish the opportunity to agree to market these items as well? No need to thank me for the tip!
May you have a most joyful celebration of our nation!
William
Dear William:
I shared your missive with my editors and they were ecstatic about the possibility of adding this exciting new product line to the Tropic Press Store. There’s a link at the bottom of this column. Thanks.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
Is it just me, or does it seem like Trump’s Great American State Fair and Freedom 250 celebrations, or whatever they’re called, have been a big dud? As a certified “old fart” I clearly remember all the hoopla and celebration of the bicentennial in 1976 and what a big deal it was. Could it be that Americans just aren’t in the mood to celebrate and exalt the Dear Leader in light of his attempts to trample the Constitution and destroy our democracy?
I’ve noticed a distinct lack of patriotic (or more properly, nationalistic) display in the form of flags, bunting, etc. as compared to previous years. As a matter of fact, one house in my neighborhood that never misses an opportunity to celebrate a holiday with a prodigious display of blow-up yard art has declined to erect their usual array of blow-up Uncle Sams, eagles, flags, and fireworks. And I haven’t heard a word about the customary 4th of July children’s parade our H.O.A. sponsors every year. Could this be a form of silent protest? Or could it be that we just don’t seem to have anything to celebrate this year? Or maybe it’s merely the fact that I live near Gainesville in that tiny patch of Blue in the Free State of Florida dominated by Trump-hating, commie-pinkos.
Well, whatever, I will (not) be celebrating the 4th of July this year in Copenhagen, Denmark - you know, that socialist country that happens to be the happiest country in the world - with a picnic with friends and family, trying to maintain a low profile so as not to call attention to my nationality. In 1976 I could never have conceived of this, but alas here we are.
Doug Phillips
Newberry, Florida
Dear Doug:
The 250th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence is a monumental milestone in the history of our country, and should be a cause for great celebration.
And it would have been, too, were it not for the fact that our president, rather than cheerleading a national commemoration of our country, chose instead to make it all about himself.
Look at me!
Look at me!
Look at me!
And Democrats have now released an investigative report suggesting that the Trump administration may have engaged in wire fraud by allegedly diverting funds away from the congressionally authorized America250 celebration to Trump’s Freedom 250, the total flop of a party that everyone seems to be avoiding, including the vast majority of entertainers who originally signed on.
It’s shameful, and any normal, emotionally healthy person would be embarrassed. But we’re talking about Trump.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
Since Florida is a red state, I’m sure our voter records were turned over to the feds. I’m thinking about changing from mail-in voting to walk-in voting, as I don’t trust Florida or the feds. I know I sound paranoid, but who isn’t these days?
Nervous somewhere in Florida
Dear Nervous:
There’s actually an easy middle ground to resolve your concerns. Here’s what I do: I get my mail-in ballot, fill it out well in advance of election day, then drive it over to the local Supervisor of Elections Office and hand it in so I don’t have to worry about Trump’s Postal Service screwing around with the election.
Depending on where you live, there may also be secure drop-off boxes.
And if either of those is inconvenient, you can always have someone you trust drop them off for you, but be advised that under Florida law, a person can only drop off ballots for others if they are an immediate family member or up to two other people.
That last bit is alternatively known as a voter integrity initiative or a voter suppression scheme depending on who you talk to.
As for being anxious about all this, you know the saying: Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you.
Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press
Want to know more about Miss Mingo? How she got her start? And whether she really lives with two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and a pet iguana named Skippy? You can find her official biography, such as it is, here. If you’re bar hopping on Duval Street in Key West and spot an intriguing woman in a pink hat that you suspect might be Miss Mingo, you can always offer to buy her a Cuba Libre. Will it actually be her? Is there an actual her? Life’s a mystery.
And now, some shameless advertising…
The official Tropic Press Store is now open and ready for business. You can order your very own Miss Mingo merch online. All sales are final. Check out the store here:
And when your shirt arrives, take a selfie and email it to Miss Mingo to be included in her column.
New to the Tropic Press Store: A July 4th Special —Trump Scum 250
Trump Scum 250 is in very limited supply. Get yours now while supplies last: