ASK THE BIRD: Wasn't Trump supposed to drain the swamp, not make it worse?
Got a question about life, the universe or current events? Ask Miss Mingo. She's got answers. She writes every Saturday for Tropic Press.
Editor’s Note: We take a break from hard news every Saturday morning to let Hermina Hermelinda Obregon, a.k.a. Miss Mingo, share her unmatched insights with readers. What’s her story? She’s a recovering newspaper reporter living in a bungalow off Duval Street in Key West, if you believe her official biography. You got questions? She’s got answers. Some may even be accurate.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
The Reflecting Pool on the National Mall is now painted Flag Blue! $14.5 million is the cost so far. Could the president have consulted the scientific community about the color before beginning the renovation? Most fifth graders understand the concept that darker colors absorb and hold more heat than light colors. Thus, the rampant growth of green algae and now the paint losing its adhesiveness causing bubbling and peeling. So, the answer to the question once again proves that Trump is dumber than a fifth grader. Happy 250th birthday, America. Are we great yet?
David in Pace
Dear David:
On behalf of all current and former fifth graders, including myself, I think we should clear up the record regarding their intelligence.
I asked the never-wrong internet this question: “At what grade do children learn dark colors hold heat?” The answer:
“Between kindergarten and third grade.”
So, for the record, Trump is actually dumber than, at most, a third grader.”
But this assessment disregards all the roaming bands of vandals assaulting our nation’s capital, knives out, slicing the pool liner with abandon.
I mean, this is Trump. It’s never his fault. So now we are supposed to blame these invisible pool marauders who have apparently sprung up out of nowhere, since only a couple of weeks ago, Trump was crowing about how safe he’s made Washington, D.C.
As for why the president didn’t consult actual scientists in advance, what would he need to do that for? He is, after all, a stable genius. right?
Besides, who says dark colors hold heat? A bunch of unionized commie teachers? FAKE NEWS!
DEAR MISS MINGO:
Yeah, but I’ve seen swimming pools with neat-looking dark colors. How come they aren’t overgrown with algae?
Pool owner in Plantation
Dear Pool:
Of course. It’s called chlorine and filtration. Swimming pools are constantly filtered and treated with chemicals. If they were left stagnant like the Reflecting Pool, they’d be overgrown, too.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
Do you think guys would ask me inviting questions—like ”Can I buy you a drink?”— if I wore one of your lovely shirts to a bar?
Nervy Octogenarian
Dear Nervy:
You go, girl!
You are, of course, referring to one of these gorgeous tee shirts that the editors of Tropic Press shamelessly hawk at the bottom of each of these columns (and which have caused unending confusion among readers who seem to believe I’m a real bird).
I have wonderful friends (above) who proudly parade their pink in Key West and elsewhere, but I have not had the temerity to ask whether this has resulted in any free cocktails. One can only hope!
Let me know how it goes. And send pictures! I love the idea of posting pictures of my readers here in their ASK THE BIRD tee shirts.
DEAR MISS MINGO:
I’m told that you have an actual biography somewhere on the Tropic Press website. Is that true, and where can I find it?
Nosey in Naples
Dear Nosey:
Yes, when this column first began publishing, the editors created a brief backgrounder on me that ran in this space. After countless columns, it’s gotten pushed down in the queue by more recent contributions, but you can still find it on the website by clicking on the Miss Mingo menu item and navigating to the very bottom of the columns. Or you can use this shortcut:
DEAR MISS MINGO:
Our dear leader keeps claiming that he scores a perfect score on cognitive tests, which he mistakenly refers to as intelligence tests.
Given that a perfect score of thirty items would be 30, seems that must be his IQ. Or would it be 100?
Does he realize that 30 on an IQ test is considered sub-moron? Or that 100 is bigly average.
Why does no one ever ask him what his IQ is, based on his tests?
Do his testers also have low IQs, or do they think momentary cognition is intelligence?
Are reporters cognizant of this or do they just lack, courage, integrity, credibility and a sense of humor?
And yes, I do realize that sub-moron is outmoded and 30 would actually be an imbecile on the ancient scale, but I am old!
Thanks for your credible answer.
Safe-in-Europe?
Dear Safe:
Where in Europe, and do you accept house guests?
But to your several questions, in order:
The 30 questions to which you refer are on the Montreal Cognitive Assessment, a screening tool to test for, among other mental maladies, dementia. Anyone who brags that they “passed” the test is clearly suffering from the Dunning-Kruger effect, essentially a person who’s too stupid to know they are stupid.
When you believe you are a stable genius, you are impervious to the truth.
As for Trump’s actual IQ, and efforts by my colleagues in the news media to discover that (apart from his day-to-day sub-moron behavior, as you put it), it has been frustrating. In short, despite ceaseless digging, nobody has ever found any record of Trump having taken an IQ test. And if he did, he’s done a great job of hiding it. Maybe it’s stashed among all the boxes of Top Secret documents in his Mar-a-Lago bathroom.
Or you could just trust his “stable genius” claims, in which case I’ve got a slightly used concentration camp in the Everglades I’ll sell you at a bargain price.
Got a question for Miss Mingo? About life, the news, or clever ways to avoid paying bar tabs? Write to her at MissMingo@Tropic.Press.
Want to know more about Miss Mingo? How she got her start? And whether she really lives with two cats—Deadline and Dateline—and a pet iguana named Skippy? You can find her official biography, such as it is, here. If you’re bar hopping on Duval Street in Key West and spot an intriguing woman in a pink hat that you suspect might be Miss Mingo, you can always offer to buy her a Cuba Libre. Will it actually be her? Is there an actual her? Life’s a mystery.
And now, some shameless advertising…
The official Tropic Press Store is now open and ready for business. You can order your very own Miss Mingo merch online. All sales are final. Check out the store here:
