Such an artful deal. Now every country will want the Iran package--minus the bombs

News and commentary for concerned Americans straight out of Florida

By J.C. Bruce

Tropic Press

So, imagine you are King Frederik the Tenth of Denmark, the monarch not only of the Danes but of Greenland as well.

Or perhaps, let’s put ourselves in the shoes of Miguel Diaz-Canel, the president and first secretary of the Communist Party of Cuba.

We could even wish to peer into the mind of Charles Mountbatten-Windsor, king not only of England but also of Canada, where he is the head of state even if it is only a ceremonial role.

These leaders, and others—we could throw in Delcy Rodriguez, the interim president of Venezuela—must be wondering how to get the kind of deal Iran just snookered Donald Trump into.

One answer, of course, is to get the United States to drop a few bombs on your country (Delcy has that first step already covered), let Trump crow that the only acceptable end to hostilities is their “complete surrender,” then let things simmer for a few weeks until Trump can’t stand it anymore, and he sues for peace.

It’s all rather reminiscent of the Peter Sellers film, The Mouse that Roared, in which the teensy nation of Grand Fenwick declares war on the U.S., surrenders, and enjoys America’s post-war generosity to rebuild its bankrupt economy.

The twist with Iran is that America struck first, of course, but really had no plan if the ayatollahs just shot Trump the bird and closed the Strait of Hormuz, which began crippling the world economy and 47’s popularity on the home front.

All that was required of Iran was to exercise a little patience and, predictably, TACO Trump folded, and now Ayatollah Khamenei gets oil barrels’ full of cash, sanctions removed, and he can keep stockpiling uranium.

Not even Grand Fenwick had it so good.

Since Trump has already blathered threateningly about taking over Greenland, making Canada the 51st state, and that he wants to “take” all of Cuba and Venezuela’s oil, these nations would seem ideally situated to mimic Iran’s artful dealing.

Best not to have Trump bomb them first, of course (although, as noted, Venezuela already has that box checked).

Maybe just make some idle threats. Or give Trump the donkey ears?

Greenland could, I suppose, threaten to cut off their supply of codfish or whatever it is they export. But it might not be a great idea to invite the Chinese over to start mining their rare-earth minerals. The U.S.A. has a long history of touchiness when foreigners start mucking about too near our shores. If there’s mucking about to be done in the Western Hemisphere, that’s America’s sandbox.

Canada has already been playing tit for tat on the tariff front with the United States, and some provinces have banned certain American products, such as whiskey. The problem facing Trump were he to consider an invasion there is that most of us like Canada more than Trump, and the country is filled up with lumberjacks and hockey players who drink Molsons for breakfast, so be careful who you spar with.

Trump could bomb some sections of Havana and—it pains me to say this—based on my most recent visit, a little demolition could actually improve things. Assuming it was evacuated first, of course.

Or—and here’s a thoughtful and far-reaching solution to the Cuban crisis—we could skip all the preliminaries and just give our Caribbean neighbor bucketsful of cash like Iran to get the country back on its feet, and do so without all the hostilities.

Sure, there would be some quid-pro-quos. They’d have to tear down Castillo del Morro and erect a Trump Tower in its place, but what a small price to pay.

Hey, maybe Jared and Ivanka could abandon their horrific plan to bulldoze the environmentally sensitive coast of Albania (where flamingos breed) and launch an urban renewal project in Havana, instead.

Maybe Iran could help underwrite it. After all, they’re about to be rolling in dough.

J.C. Bruce is the founder of Tropic Press and an award-winning author and journalist. He’s a proud graduate of Dunedin High School, an alum of the University of South Florida, and a lifelong fan of the Miami Dolphins, his hometown team. His money is on Argentina (and Messi) to win the World Cup.

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J.C. Bruce

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The Strange Files

Today’s edition of this newsletter is brought to you by Tropic Press Books, publisher of The Strange Files Series. Strange Fact: The first sentence of Florida Man, the second book in the series, sets the tone for how weird Alexander Strange’s adventure in the Gunshine State will be:

“I wanted to get to Florida in the worst way, so I arrived in a coffin.”

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