“The United States is giving serious consideration to changing the name of Lake Ontario to Lake America in that we don’t expect to be doing much business with Ontario any longer.”
—Donald Trump on Truth Social
By J.C. Bruce
Donald Trump has this thing about renaming bodies of water.
First, he decided that the Gulf of Mexico should become the Gulf of America because he was sore at our southern neighbor over immigration issues.
Then he popularized internet memes suggesting that the Strait of Hormuz should henceforth be known as the Strait of Trump, as if he had actually taken over that vital waterway in the Persian Gulf instead of actually floundering in an ill-considered war.
Now, he’s threatening to change the name of Lake Ontario to Lake America because, once again, he’s launched a war—this time a trade war with Canada—for no good reason other than spitefulness.
But while no human on the planet may waste more time posting codswallop on social media than Trump (with the help of his ever-present “personal assistant” Natalie Harp), others have weighed in on this latest round of watery trash talk.
Canada should step in and block Trump from renaming Lake Ontario, some suggest, by preemptively changing the lake’s name itself. One suggestion: Lake Epstein.
But why stop there? After all, there are five Great Lakes. Let’s rename them all.
You can see my suggestions in the proposed map at the top of this column.
I’m with the Canadians in renaming at least one lake after Trump’s close friend and pedophile Jeffrey Epstein, just as a reminder of the card Trump is alleged to have sent him, which read: "A pal is a wonderful thing. Happy Birthday — and may every day be another wonderful secret."
But no renaming of those great bodies of water would be complete without at least acknowledging Epstein’s pimp, Ghislaine Maxwell, who was serving time in a Florida penitentiary until Trump’s personal lawyer and now attorney general, Todd Blanche, arranged her transfer to a cushy Club Fed complete with yoga classes and puppy therapy.
Since we’re on a roll with females in Trump’s wobbly orbit, a few more suggestions:
Let’s name one of the lakes after Stormy Daniels, the porn film star who testified against Trump in the 2024 hush money trial in which she recounted an alleged sexual encounter she had with him at a golf tournament.
Speaking of legalities, no list of lake names would be complete without recognizing the writer E. Jean Carroll, who successfully sued Trump for defamation over her claims that he assaulted her in the dressing room of a New York department store. Trump has already been forced to pay her $5 million, with a further—and much larger— payment in the appeals court process.
Finally, since we’ve already mentioned her in passing, with five Great Lakes surely there should be room for one to be named after yet another headline grabber: Trump’s “human printer,” Natalie Harp, who never seems to leave his side as she pumps out adoring messages for him to keep his ego fluffed.
There you have it, the new lineup of Great Lake Names. Feel free to offer your own suggestions, as well.
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J.C. Bruce
Instead of those people with corrupt morals, how about: Sally, Susan, Harriet, Dolly, and Clara? (Ride, Anthony, Tubman, Parton, and Barton)
Why not re name the Gulf of America to the gulf of stupidity